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STEADY BREATHING THROUGH MASK
Approaching the object.
STEADY BREATHING CONTINUES
Oh, listen to him.
Jeffers, the pod is oxygenated.
You don't have to do that!
Please don't spoil it.
Extending grappling arm.
HE MAKES BEEPING SOUND
What is that thing, York?
Broken exhaust casing?
Discarded fuel cell maybe?
What if it was a marker put
down by an ancient civilisation
revealing a message encrypted in the position of the
stars themselves or, if you will Mr York, the Star Code.
Still reading that cheap Spaceport
trash, I see! Retrieval complete.
Returning to Bay Six.
Carefully, Jeffers, mind the arm.
Mind the arm on the!
Argh! Pellets!
Don't touch it, Commander.
Its origin is still unsourced and
you're far too important to the ship.
Vine, touch it! Go on.
Get in.
It's emitting a pulse.
Then back to two again.
A totally random pattern.
They are all prime numbers.
Well, I mean, unless
you're counting the really obvious pattern.
Look, if it can transmit
maybe it can receive.
Send it the next number in the sequence.
Number
Five times three.
Sorry, 16.
17!
Why though? 17.
Number 17.
That's the one, Commander.
COMPUTER WHIRRS
Oh!
Oh, yes, it's ancient Jundarin.
Oh, I did this at school.
"What's the
point of doing a dead language, Teal?"
This is the point, isn't it? I'm talking to
the trendy set, that's one in the eye for them.
Concentrate, will you, and tell
me what it says.
Sorry, sorry.
"We are entombed.
Danger surrounds
us.
A Great One shall free us.
"And he shall live forever
in our chronicles.
"
A calling
from the ancients.
It sent a map to my console.
Wants us to go to a small moon,
Hey, that's right round the corner.
What do you
think, huh? Something a bit different for a Tuesday?
A hero trap.
A classic hero trap.
HE SCOFFS
I'm no hero, Mr York, although the
thousands I've saved may disagree.
Exactly.
What's a hero trap?
Hey, Sandstrom, get us to that moon.
We're coming, ancient one.
What's a hero trap?
It's what we're not hurtling
blindly towards apparently.
York? Teal? Shuttle bay three.
Commander! Commander, here.
Who's in charge when you're away?
Jeffers is the next most senior
officer.
So, I guess, Jeffers.
I want to do it.
I never do it.
I touched the cone.
Yeah, you did touch the cone.
And you touched it very nicely.
All right, all right.
I'll give you a chance.
I'd better
tell Jeffers.
It's OK, I'll do it.
Taking responsibility, Dave.
I like that very much.
Ciao.
Blend of exotic species from
several different worlds.
Oh, hello, wisteria!
I used to grow that.
Never used to thrive cos of the chalky soil.
I'm wittering cos I'm concerned I'm about to die.
Easy, Commander.
That's it?
No guardian monsters or anything?
There may be trip wires, Commander.
No, there isn't.
Funny, thought it'd
be harder than this.
OK.
OK.
OK.
I put this on the top
and the ancient ones shall be free.
Commander, what is a hero trap?
Stop banging on about
Look, a hero trap
is not this all right, it's when
a Commander finds a map or a signal,
with a promise of treasure or glory.
It's a set-up.
And there
are some bad, bad people there who do
some ransoming and some torturing and
usually a lot of cutting.
But it's very rare.
Don't have nightmares.
All right? OK, OK.
I'll put this on and the ancient ones
shall be FREE!
Phew! Maybe it's not on right.
Can we go back?
Commander, will you carry me?
I'm tired.
I don't want to carry you.
I
thought it might be a HE GASPS
Ah! They're
free after thousands of millennias.
Oh, Commander, I can't move my legs.
That's their way of saying, "You're
nice, will you hang around for a bit?"
Commander,
I think I should point out
that my weapon's being atomised into
some sort of shimmering golden dust.
Oh, that's because they believe in peace.
Oh, York, it's so beautiful.
EERIE LAUGHTER
Listen, they're
laughing, they're happy!
ECHOEY VOICES LAUGH IN THE DISTANCE
It's turning into a bit of a mocking
laugh, Commander.
Yeah, yes, yes.
It's really very, very bad.
I'm sorry.
FANFARE PLAYS
Oh
Silence!
They were silent, Father.
Well, that's good then.
Queppunians!
Supreme Ruler,
a pleasure to meet you again.
And Lavya
Sweet, sweet Lavya.
Advanced technology, space travel,
what's happened to you? A-ha!
Are you saying you marvel at our
technology? I wouldn't say "marvel".
He marvelled.
I think
everyone saw him marvel there.
Put him on the marvel chart.
As a grade two marvel.
I hardly think
it's worth I grade the marvels!
Some other aliens came
just after your visit.
Kind aliens.
They said, "We
will share our science with you.
"
And all they asked for in return
was half my population
to grind up in their mandibles and
feed to their larval young.
You see?
Different cultures can get along.
Hey! Jeffers, how's your chair?
Got a lumbar support?
I have.
SCREEN BLEEPS
Um, Sir.
Sir.
Mr Vine, sir.
Sorry to interrupt,
Sir, but there's 20 ships outside.
Attention! You are surrounded by
the royal fleet of Queppu.
Any attempt to move or communicate
will result in your annihilation.
Oh.
Now.
What fate awaits you? We
have many new inventions on Queppu.
Cold fusion.
An apron that makes it look like
you have the bits of a naked lady.
But the most popular is the
thing you call telescreenovision.
And you will be the stars
of our latest programme.
Its name is Death Game!
CHANTING: Death Game,
Death Game, Death Game!
There are a thousand cameras
in this forest.
Every day they shall watch you do battles
against ever more dangerous foes, until you die.
And every night they shall watch you bicker while
you cook your meal.
I know what you're thinking.
It's got everything! And I will co-host a lively
discussion programme called Death Game Chatbox.
You will marvel at
our brand extension!
Now, let the game begin.
As I believe they say on your world, revenge
is a dish best served on a bed of rice.
Cold.
It's best served cold.
I will decide how revenge is best
served around here! And it's rice!
LOUD RUMBLING
BLEEPING
PRESENTER: Broadcasting live from
the forest moon of Grundtal-Mossby,
it's Death Game!
They're not going to try and kill us
on the first night all right.
I'm hoping for a hamper and maybe a
Mexican theme night, could be fun.
And they may make us wallow in a hot
bubbly tub together.
Well, that's OK.
So here's the first assassin.
The bare-knuckle fighting champion of
the Queppu army.
Sergeant Destruction!
HE GROWLS AND HOWLS AGGRESSIVELY
We need some ideas quick.
OK, violence
is often down to poor nutrition.
So if we could just find a way to
give him Omega 3 tablets.
Leave this to me.
He's spitting
Whoa! Yeah, yeah, sure you're a big
guy, but ask yourself this.
Are you as fast as me?
Ha! Get back!
Why are you here, Sergeant?
Did they put you away for
a crime you didn't commit?
Huh? Took away your wife, your child?
Took everything from you till all you
could do to ease the pain was fight? Huh?
It doesn't need to be like this.
I can help you.
What do you say, huh?
Hah!
Ta-da! Oh, York!
I am not loving that.
I was just going to turn him, he was going to be our
gentle giant buddy, the ogre with a heart of gold.
Oh well, excuse me for saving
your miserable, ungrateful life!
Don't know why I bother.
Right I'm going to find whatever this planet's
version of a squirrel is and kick it to death.
You can be very insensitive at times,
Mr York.
You've upset him now, Commander.
Well, what are we going to do, Vine?
They could die at any minute, do
you understand that? So could we.
And now everyone here is
looking to you for the answer.
I've got it! I've got a plan!
What?
We are going to take an ocular-based
overview of the current crisis situation.
We're going to watch telly?
Yeah.
We're going to watch
them till we think of something.
Now listen up, everybody.
I'm not saying it's
going to be easy.
There's be a lot of eye strain,
a lot of stiff necks,
a lot of raised blood pressure
through eating too many crisps.
But we'll do it for them!
Who's with me? Yes!
Come on.
Vine.
This is not a solution.
This is just Shush.
TV THEME MUSIC PLAYS
Fine.
HE PLAYS THE HARMONICA
PLAYS ON TV, AND HENDERSON
COPIES BADLY ON THE HARMONICA
HE SIGHS
I had an idea for a telly show once.
Kids' show.
Dino-Wizards.
They're dinosaurs, right, fine?
Here's the twist.
They're also wizards.
It's good, isn't it?
Never been done, never been done.
I've
got the theme tune if you want to hear it.
Let me try, see if I can remember it.
HE BLOWS THE HARMONICA, AND
SINGS No, too high for me.
HE BLOWS ANOTHER NOTE AND
TRIES TO SING
Dino-wizards,
working hard at dinoschool.
Dino-wizards, prehistoric
magic school!
Whoa, whoa!
Watch out, guys,
here comes Tyrannosaurus Hex! Rrrr!
How's the meal coming along, Teal? Obviously it's
going to be awful.
I couldn't find any wild garlic.
There was fennel and thyme, but does
that go with rat?
I don't know, and there were no
cookbooks! This is inhumane!
Well, death did not come
today but it sent a card.
When that card arrives tomorrow,
the day after, that card will read,
"Happy death day to you, happy death day
to you, happy death day, happy death day,
"happy death day to you.
"
I've been thinking about how we
got here.
I've always got to be the
bloody hero, haven't I?
Well, when we get off this hunka stinkin' moss,
I'm going to start doing things a bit differently.
I'm going to listen to you two a lot
more.
Really? Yes.
Well, not so much you.
If you two said different things, I'd probably
have to go with York because he does outrank you.
Oh, I'm sorry, that's your rat that's gone
in the fire.
So you can't eat that at all.
Never mind.
Who needs food when you've got music?
Two, three, four
HE PLAYS THE HARMONICA
GAME SHOW THEME TUNE PLAYS
APPLAUSE
Welcome back.
You've been busy on the textualised
messages.
Warris Quaif writes,
"Loving the show.
"It's certainly taking my mind off
the appalling poverty
"and vicious
repression here on Queppu.
"
Glad to hear it, Warris!
.
.
Have him killed.
Now where are you, Lavya?
I'm down at the perimeter wall
talking to one of the guards.
Hi.
What are you doing?
I'm guarding the perimeter wall.
Ooh.
Back to you, Father.
You will marvel
at what we have coming up later.
Henderson cuts his thumb!
AUDIENCE GASP
And is that a tear in York's eye?
Or just sweat like he said?
Let's ask a behavioural
psychologist You! Speak!
HE GROANS
WHIRRING
Destroy.
Morning, Teal.
Morning.
Commander, wake up.
HE GRUNTS
What are you doing?
You all right, Teal?
Fine.
Just a bit peaky.
You look absolutely awful.
I mean, really bad, it's like
the worst I've EVER seen you.
York, doesn't she look bad?
Not good.
OK, we've
established I do not look pretty!
What are you doing?
Poking you, Commander.
Why? To enrage you.
To survive another day in this arena,
we will need anger.
It's a bi early.
Now Commander, anger is your ally,
anger is your friend.
If you go on holiday,
anger waters your begonias.
If it breaks a vase, it buys you two
in return.
Anger will be your saviour.
All right.
I get it, all right?
Don't.
Don't!
Don't! Don't, don't!
And don't do that either.
Don't do what? That!
"Oh, that's what I wanted to see.
"
Don't do it!
I had no intention.
Nevertheless it came to pass
Argh!
That is it, I have had it.
OK, are you satisfied? Are you?
You've reduced a good man to this?
THEY GRUN You've had your violence.
Maybe you want
some *** as well, do you? Well, here it is!
Do you want some more, you dirty
perverts?
Do you like that?
I never think I'm going to enjoy this kind of
show but then the characters really draw me in.
ANNOUNCER: And now, not one,
but two assassins to wreak justice
upon the humans.
The Queppu Secret
Service's most lethal agents -
Tweedledoom and Tweedledie!
What power can stop them?
York! It's always when I'm just
getting through to them, isn't it?
They were going to be our plucky little
pals, the chirpy one and the silent one.
We'll use their
skulls to gather water.
They will help us,
in their own little way.
I'm trying to build a gang here!
Commander.
What?
The woman.
Hey! Huh?! You all right?
Yeah.
Is there anything
you want to tell me? No.
No.
All right, listen.
Do you know the emergency painkillers
we keep in the away medikit?
Oh, the happy pills?
The dichloro-hipto-peptin?
I know absolutely
nothing about those.
Sure, sure.
Have a little walk.
Walk with me for a second.
Watch that.
You all right?
Log.
Sometimes, on a strange new world,
an officer gets a bit stressed.
Sometimes that officer
grabs for the purple gigglers.
Do you know what I'm saying?
I have absolutely no idea what you mean
at all.
I know nothing of what you say.
Show me the box.
All the pills are in it.
Show me the box.
I don't think
I need to show you the box.
Show me the box!
I've eaten them all! Argh.
Teal,
you're going to get bad withdrawal
now for a couple of days, and that's
because you're a skanky pillhead.
.
.
Tough love.
Smiles.
You two have the happy pills and
that's why you and Mr York are OK.
Give me the pills.
Teal, we don't
have any pills.
Give me the pills!
GIVE ME THE PILLS!
I just want a hipto Chloe! You are
an officer on board the HMS Camden Lock.
Now pull yourself together, lass!
Ballyshambles.
I'm sorry.
All right, all right.
I've been a fool.
Yes, you have but we'll get you through
this, womanzilla.
We'll get you through.
Hey! Get off, I've got no pills!
I only want one! Commander!
It's Vine!
The sparkling sideburns of hope!
We haven't got long, Commander.
Jeffers patched
through the transmission, but it won't hold.
OK, what do we do?
Right, let's see.
Teal's got to lighten up.
Everyone's calling her the
***.
No, I mean, what do we do to get out of here?
We couldn't think of anything.
So we thought
we'd let you know how you're coming across.
Commander, they're saying you're two-faced
and you're playing up to the cameras.
I am not!
I like York! He is hot!
Oh, York, you've arrived.
Huge gay following.
Look, if we don't get off this planet, Mr
Vine, we are gonna die, have you got that?
You sure it's not me that's got the gay following?
I thought, with the bear thing you know, they might
Contestants!
You have breached the rules.
You have spoken with the outside.
I tire of your rules, red prune!
You and me.
Right here.
No weapons.
Let's have it.
You will marvel at
how I don't rise to that one.
Now, what punishment shall I choose?
Do your worst.
I will then.
Go on then.
I shall!
Why did you say that, Commander?
I'm feeling a bit
THUD!
It's just a phrase, isn't it?
Our next assassin is a hideous
part-mechanoid mutant,
and Queppu's most dangerous creature
only a mother could love
GUNFACE!
HE GROWLS
HIS FOOTSTEPS ECHO
It's OK.
Well, it's not OK, is it?
Because I'm going to die,
and when my corpse gets carried out it's gonna
get boos.
I don't want my corpse to be booed!
I'm going to turn him.
You're a lunatic.
Lunatic?
Or just a madman?
Hey!
RAPID GUNFIRE
Can't be easy growing
up with a gun for a face.
Get teased, by the other kids, huh?
"Gunface, Gunface, kiss the
girls and make them die.
"When the kids came out to play,
Gunface blew their legs " HE GROWLS
Ahhh.
Oh Hey, hey, Gunface,
it doesn't have to be like
this any more, all right?
Look, by the standards of British
blokes you're not that bad looking OK?
Help me, right.
And then on a Friday night you and me
can go to Starbase Seven to Caesar's.
Full of divorcees! You can't
move for the haze of oestrogen.
You will find love.
And if not love, then deffo a handy.
Oh, Gunface!
Sweet, sweet, Gunface.
York!
No!
Hey! Do you think you can
put a hole in that wall?
HE GRUNTS
Yeah, let's do it.
Let's go.
I'm not the *** of the Camp, OK?
So I'm going to stay here and then they'll get
to know the real me, and then they'll like me, OK!
OK.
GUNFIRE
Father! They've breached the
perimeter wall.
We must evacuate.
And renege on our commitment
to quality broadcasting? Never!
Let's have another text.
"You're not very good at
this telescreenovision
"thing if your contestants
escape within three days.
"
That's from Tareoo.
Well, Tareoo, it's an unpredictable
format and that's why it works.
That's why you marvel!
EXPLOSION
Father, it's over!
You're right.
To the Fleeing Tubes!
Oh, I don't think so!
I was just being myself.
What is wrong with that?
At least I didn't have a
game plan like the other two.
Gunface? Round up the guards.
And take Teal.
Get Teal out of here.
Just like me.
SHE WHIMPERS
Are we on? Yeah? OK.
I, Michael, Mike, Lucky Jack, Hendo
Henderson, am placing you under arrest.
Arrested.
Sorry.
Here? Left a bit
On that? OK.
Yes, people of Queppu,
telescreenovision doesn't have to be
about humiliation and cheap voyeurism.
You could have quality programming.
Dramas, documentaries.
Dinosaurs who are also wizards,
never been done before actually.
Commander you've won.
What, what do you mean?
All this was for you.
My father is old.
Soon, I will need
someone to rule by my side.
Beware her siren words, Commander.
Shush, you!
You said you were going
to be listening to us a bit more?
Yes, I said, "When we get
off this hunka stinkin' moss.
"
He did, it's in his Best Bits.
Carry on,
for all the good it will do you.
We had to test you, but
you have proved more than worthy.
Be our new Supreme Ruler.
I know your seed is mighty.
The people will marvel at you,
as I marvel at you, Michael.
Do you really marvel?
I marvel at you! Fool!
Come, Father!
To the Fleeing Tubes.
THEY LAUGH MANIACALLY
THEY GRADUALLY STOP LAUGHING
Oh, flap.
I know you! You're off the telly!
All right, you've been banging
on about it for two days.
Enough.
You're much smaller in real life.
Enough! Hello.
Afternoon to you.
Teal,
are you back on the happy pills?
No
Counsellorbot for you in the
morning.
It actually moved.
You're off your head.
You can't work
like that, go home.
Go to bed, Teal.
Not there, you big lunatic!
You'll never move her now.
Get
the forklift from the docking bay.
Commander, before we commencify the next
mission, could we make a small detour? Oh, why?
It's just that I've received a request to attend
the opening of a new gentlemen's establishment.
A disco-***-sauna-***-bath house
called Spurt.
HE LAUGHS
Do they want us both to go?
No, I
don't believe you were mentioned.
It's clearly a distraction from my current objections
so, no, all right.
That's very unattractive.
What? Jealousy.
I'm not jealous.
I find it deadens the eyes.
My eyes
aren't dead.
Look at me a second.
Oh dear, absolutely nothing.