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Tickets this way
for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess
of the lives they were given
by'im upstairs
and kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.
Stay away!
What sounds on earth could ever
replace
kids needing money
or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon,
and me included,
is why pubs and drugs
were kindly invented -
to calm us all down,
stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's
basic essentials.
We are worth every penny
for grinding your axes.
You *** on our head.
But you pay the taxes!
Imagine a Britain
without Chatsworth buccaneers,
who'd come on your face
for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history,
cheaper drugs now!
Make poverty history,
cheaper drugs now!
Scatter.
Party!
KATE BUSH:
Wuthering Heights
(LIBBY) 'The human heart
is a powerful muscle.
'Like all muscles,
'if you don't flex it once in a while
it becomes tired, flabby and weak.
'Confined to a prison cell,
I kept my heart active
'with one pure thought,
'that the love of my life was waiting
for me on the outside,
'ready to care for me, hold me close
'and tell me everything
was all right.
'
♪.
.
Let me grab your soul ♪
(HOOTING AND MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)
Mum.
No knight on a white charger,
no windswept poet - just me.
Only person fool enough
to put up with ya.
'This time'
(BRAKES SQUEAL)
(BOTH) Which heaven
to gaudy day denies.
(PROTESTORS SHOUT)
'.
.
I'm not going to let it slip
through my fingers.
'
Frank!
'I'll find my love.
'
And that's what you've blown
your redundancy on?
God forbid
you'd treat your mother to a
Balearic cruise,
new wheelchair, pair of shoes.
I'm taking knowledge to the people.
And it's my mode of transport
in my search for
You're wasting your time on 'im.
There's a reason you're on your own.
You're an acquired taste,
like tripe.
Lucky I'm prepared
to put up with you.
Lord knows no-one else would.
(MOBILE RINGS)
(JAMIE) Karen, seen my phone?
(BABY CRIES)
Been busy, haven't we?
Hey!
Races with a few of the lads.
Don't blow it on some old nag, now.
Where was he when
you were incarcerated?
Where was he when you needed
support, needed love? >
Where were you?
I was out in rain and snow,
negotiating dog ***
and cripple kickers,
collecting signatures
for the petition for your release.
Five names in your handwriting
does not a petition make.
He doesn't love ya.
He doesn't know how.
I experienced more love
in a few short hours with him
than in all of the empty years
before him.
If there is the remotest chance that
he has a space in his heart for me,
then I have to find him and I will.
Knickers.
I will!
I will!
No.
>
Knickers.
("Wuthering Heights" PLAYS FROM VAN)
Wonder if you can help me.
I'm looking for someone.
Is that right?
I've little information,
but I can describe him to you.
Go for it.
Well, he's about your height,
wild, long brown hair,
a bit worn around the edges.
It's vitally important
that I speak with him.
Wild, long brown hair.
Goes by the name of Frank.
There's no bells ringing, love.
I know he's around here somewhere.
(BOTH) DSS.
(CHATTER)
It's the Social!
It's the Social!
(SILENCE)
(FRUIT MACHINE BEEPS)
Can I help you, love?
I'm looking for a man.
I'm looking for a man.
Aren't we all?
His name's Frank.
Frank? No, sorry.
I have to find him.
Have to!
May Ipowder my nose?
Is that a euphemism?
Yes.
Yes.
Fill your boots.
Is that a euphemism?
We could go on all day.
Door on the left.
Actually, love, I've just remembered
they're out of order.
(FARTING)
Sorry!
Ah!
I've been feeding that all day.
I knew it was about to pay out.
Well, it obviously just needed
a woman's touch.
Is that right?
Either you've got it or you haven't.
I lay a finger on Ian,
and it goes off like a rocket.
He always lasted a bit longer
with me.
You know, prolonging the pleasure.
He's insatiable.
A right sex bomb.
Well, a bomb only
goes off once, don't it?
More of a machine gun with me -
***, reload, ***, reload, ***!
Might be something lacking
in your technique.
What he really likes is two fingers.
Stop ***-stirring and *** off!
Oh, fifty-fifty?
*** off!
***'s he doin'?
(LIAM) Nervous energy.
This kitchen floor hasn't been
cleaned in months.
Stinks of baby *** in 'ere.
Dad, that smell's got *** all
to do with the baby.
They've got over
carrying out 2,000 investigations every week.
They've got mobile surveillance units, hidden cameras.
They're closing in.
Some twisted ***
has phoned the hotline.
Can't stand to see a man try and
better himself, provide for his
(KNOCKING)
(KNOCKING)
You don't know me.
I was told Frank lives here?
I was told Frank lives here?
Never heard of 'im.
Well, if you do come across him,
tell him
tell him I won't be
bothering him again.
I thought there was something there,
but obviously there wasn't.
That's all.
Hey, if I'm paying for it,
I want better than you.
DSS.
(ENGINE DIES)
I've lost a lovely bird
down the lav this morning.
Seems a shame to poison them,
but they keep peckin'
at me semi-skimmed.
I'm a marked man.
Eyes following me everywhere,
waitin' to pounce.
Me number's up, Lillian.
The clock's ticking -
tick, tock, tick, tock.
("Wuthering Heights" PLAYS FROM VAN)
It's me
Cathy! ♪
Oh!
(FRANK AND LIBBY)
To that tender night
.
.
which heaven to gaudy day denies.
(MUSIC FADES)
What's with the new telly?
Punters kept complaining
about the quality of the ***.
This is HD.
They'll have lulus
coming at 'em every which way.
(ECHOING MALE VOICE) Lillian
Lillian
Lillian
Brendan?
(JOE) Oh, here he is,
public enemy number one.
You don't know what it's like,
livin' in constant fear.
Treating everyone
as a potential threat.
I'll been looking over me shoulder
the rest of me natural.
No change there, then.
I might be able to help you out
there.
Er, nono.
Rearranging me face
is not an option.
Know thine enemy, Francis,
in
glorious black and white.
(# KATE BUSH: Wuthering Heights)
Libby!
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)
Whoa!
You don't mind sticking
your tongue in everywhere else.
You're made for the job.
Duck to water.
You just keep that enthusiasm up.
Yeah, well,
I gotta get it somewhere.
You'll be getting more than enough.
You're booked for the whole day.
My clients are waiting for you.
Where?
What's the address?
Just follow the directions.
I'm telling you,
that were my Brendan.
You hear about these spirits
coming through the static.
Electronic voices coming
from beyond the grave.
You been sniffing the poppers again?
That were just to clear me sinuses.
I've been chosen as a vessel.
Karen, can you take Connor
for a bit?
Me arm's ***' killing me.
Me arm's ***' killing me.
Daddy's home.
I've got to go straight back out,
sorry.
Wouldn't be shirking your parental
responsibilities, would ya?
I don't mind taking Connor
off your hands,
but I'm *** if I'm playing full-time
manageress and psychiatric nurse.
Karen's all right.
Karen's all right.
It's you she needs.
Look, I'll get your dad in tonight
to man the bar
while I mind the baby,
so you two can
What?
Go for a nice meal?
Or have a quiet night in?
She wouldn't even know I was there.
Beware the scarlet woman.
She says you're a fool.
*** off, you weirdo!
This could be you.
It's initial K.
An older man has put you
in a very awkward position
and he's dangling something over you.
Happens to me every day of the week!
She's a good girl, Karen.
She's a good girl, Karen.
It's complicated.
You can't go running out the door
every time things get rough.
Do you think I don't know that?
From where I'm sittin'?
I was right, wasn't I?
He was nowhere to be seen.
Eachand every time
a man enters your life,
you lose all sense of reason.
Each and every time?!
There have been three men
in my life, Mother.
All wasters.
You set your sights too low.
It's always been your problem.
I've been taught to,
since I was a kid.
I hope you're not insinuating
"Don't wear your skirt so short,
Libby,
"you've not got the legs for it.
"
Calves only a cow could love.
"Don't worry, Libby,
looks aren't everything.
"
You had skin like bubble wrap.
"There are some smells even a
deodorant just can't disguise, Libby.
"
You had a traumatic puberty.
I turned down every opportunity
of happiness, just for you.
I could have been a wife, a mother.
He's doing all he can to avoid you.
That's my point.
Thought we could go out
with the baby this aft,
get some fresh air, the three of us.
You should have said earlier.
Well, I didn't think we had to book.
Got something on.
Obviously.
Karen, I don't want a row.
You're not getting one.
I had a run of good luck
on the horses.
That's what your mother said.
Gonna pay off Karen's cards.
Doing well.
Careful though.
Everyone's luck runs out eventually.
Don't want to end up losin'
everything.
(MOBILE RINGS)
(MOBILE RINGS)
I have to take this.
What?
Yeah?
Well, it's not QV-***-C, is it?
Look, I don't like doing business
over the phone.
It's not convenient.
Who was that?
Jamie?
He's got a lot on.
A lot of pressure.
You both have.
I've not made things
any easier for him.
All I can do it get out of bed
in the mornings.
Jamie's keeping all this going.
I'll have a word.
Might make things a bit easier.
No, Paddy.
Thank you, but no.
It's husband and wife stuff.
He needs to let off a bit of steam
now and then.
Get off the leash a bit.
Let's just let him.
You know I could make life easier
for you, Jamie.
All I'm saying
.
.
is that
if you're looking for a way out
.
.
cos it's all too much at home
you got it.
I'll help you through it.
We can get through this, babe.
I'm doing this, doing you
.
.
to get my family out of the ***.
You *** me, because you love me.
I *** you, because you pay me.
Oh, cheers!
Got nothin' stronger?
(THROUGH TEETH) ***!
Let's begin.
Something's just brushed
against me, I swear.
Grow a pair of ***, will ya?
They're here.
(WHISPERING)
Speak slowly, lovey.
I can't make it out.
Oh! Bunty, I don't know how
to break it to you, but
you've only got six months to live.
Oh,a new voice.
Micky, the scarlet woman is going to
take you for everything you hold dear.
You must fight her.
You must fight her.
Where is she?
It's a young girl.
Her name starts with the letterM.
She's calling for her mum.
Time to let go,
move on.
I love you, Mandy!
We all miss you so much!
Go to the light, Mand.
Go to the light.
See you next week, Frank.
We meet again.
What the hell are you doing here?
What the hell are you doing here?
Looking for Libby.
She's dead.
Found swinging in her cell.
Hung herself with her own pop socks.
Couldn't take the rejection.
You've got blood on your hands.
I told you it would end in tears.
Wearemeant to be together.
We just are.
And I know it's difficult,
you losing your only daughter
stroke unpaid full-time carer,
kept under your thumb,
trapped by her narcolepsy,
but it's time you faced up to the
fact
she's got a life of her own to live.
Bye.
Help! Help! Pervert!
He's just exposed himself,
waved it right in my face.
I
Stop him! Stop him!
(# KATE BUSH: Wuthering Heights)
Don't go!
This was meant to be.
We were meant to be.
Frank! You came for me!
Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy
I've come home now ♪
(BLARING)
(BLARING)
#.
.
I'm so cold
Let me in your window.
♪
(BLARING)
Fancy making fifty notes?
Fancy making fifty notes?
Depends what I have to do.
A spot of waste management.
Something I started I need to finish.
(MOANING)
Oh, Frank.
(FRANK)Oh!
(LIBBY) Don't worry.
I can't manage it.
You've spent months
longing, dreaming about this moment
and now that it's here, it's
it's just all too much.
Yeah, but I've never wanted it
so bad.
You don't need to tell me, Frank.
Locked up in prison,
the urges I had were all-consuming.
The things that went on
within those walls, Frank.
What kind of things?
Hundreds of hormonal women.
Starved of *** attention.
Not a man in sight.
You do the maths.
Were you ever tempted?
No, Frank.
No, Frank.
Huh?
What's that? I don't mind.
What do you take me for?
I can show a little restraint.
No, I'm just saying
it wouldn't bother me.
Three, four times, tops.
Look, you've made me blush now.
Tell me.
Well
I can't remember all the details,
but
I was in a hot steamy shower
I was in a hot steamy shower
Yeah.
.
.
and in walked the MacKenzie
sisters,
two notorious lesbian siblings.
Their greedy hands quickly
got to work on me
building up a soapy lather
across my ***,
pinching at my rosebud nipples,
hands reaching between my legs,
fingers gently tending my lady
garden.
Here we go!
Here we go!
Ooh!
I'm your 6.
30.
How did you know?
I don't know anything!
Intuition.
It said two hundred on your website.
That should buy a couple of hours.
You should spend them
with your wife and kid.
*** you.
*** you.
Son, don't be stupid.
Stay out of my ***' business, Dad.
there's no gettin' it back.
Take it from me.
I'm controlling the medication.
Her getting excited makes
her narcolepsy worse.
She needs her pills and she also
needs love and affection
and a life outside these four walls.
She wouldn't know
what to do with it.
Listen, Patty, I've waited a long
time for someone like her.
I never expected to get this lucky.
Just don't *** it up on me now.
All right?
(LIBBY SIGHS)
What's going on?
What's going on?
Take your pills.
You need to double up her dose,
you know,
maybe even treble.
It's obviously not strong enough.
You're not a doctor.
Sheila, me ex-wife,
was heavily medicated.
She'd need to be.
Me son Liam's epileptic.
>
He was like Shakin' Stevens
before I doubled up the tabs.
Now not so much as a tremor.
He'll have you dead in a week.
Well, it's all about control.
I'm willing to try.
Right, what we need now
is a bit of excitement.
Atleast wait till I've left the
room.
There's a do on at the Jockey.
Fancy dress.
Is that exciting enough for you?
Yeah!
Yeah!
When no-one else
can understand me
When everything I do is wrong
You give me hope
and consolation
You give me strength
to carry on ♪
You give me strength to
carry on Sorry about that.
♪.
.
And you're always there
To lend a hand in
everything I do ♪
Who have you come as?
♪.
.
That's the wonder ♪
♪.
.
That's the wonder ♪
JFK.
♪.
.
The wonder of you.
♪
I know who the scarlet woman is.
Has the tellie said anything about
how to get rid of her?
Walk away.
What?
What?
The harder you try
the stronger she gets.
Be firm, act like you don't care
and you'll have her eating
out of your hand, all right?
♪.
.
Your kiss to me is worth
a fortune ♪
Noddy Holder's not dead.
Rod Hull and Emu then.
Who gives a ***?
Ah, Davros.
Isn't it brilliant?
I'll get the drinks in.
♪.
.
That's the wonder
The wonder of you.
♪
Movin' on.
Movin' on.
What?
I was just sayin' I've got a date
later.
Oh great! I'm well pleased.
Are yareally?
Yeah, keeps you off my back.
You know, I thought
me and you had something
but looking back,
I think I was just infatuated.
You came round with your
your fancy gay ways.
Iwas taken in.
It's great you're makin' a new start.
Well, don't try and stop me.
I won't.
♪.
.
That's the wonder
The wonder of you.
♪
(CHEERING)
(ELVIS) Thank you.
You're late.
Ifit's one thing you need in this
business, besides the obvious,
it's good timekeeping.
I've been thinking about
what you said, and I agree.
This is a business arrangement.
So let's do business.
Now.
Now.
It's over.
This is the end.
I'll tell her.
Your lovely wife.
I will tell her.
When and where and how,
and how much I paid and why.
No I'll tell her.
(IAN SINGING)
Don't start, Micky.
I'm not in the mood.
I'm sayin' nothing.
Oh, good.
I've had enough of your
snipin' these past few weeks.
I was just lookin' out for a mate.
You were trying to split us up.
Well, at least you're not denying it.
Just leave us, please.
You know, when it ends,
when it does all fall to pieces,
when you get bored of
messing around
and decide you'd much rather
have a hetero
.
.
let him down gently, eh?
(CHEERING)
You OK?
You OK?
Yep, I'm good.
Don't think I'm taking orders
off some pissed up slapper
from the Jockey.
I haven't married her, we're just
dating, and she's not a slapper.
Then why involve us?
Cos I like her and it would be nice
if you all liked her an' all.
She's clever and caring,
and if you ever had anything
that you were worrying about,
y'know, she's very understanding.
Well, let's see her then.
Oh, and don't startle her,
for ***'s sake.
(LIAM) Local?
(CARL) Work?
She drives a mobile library.
(SHANE) Any convictions?
(FRANK) One.
Political prisoner.
Divorced?
Widow?
What are your thoughts on
globalization?
How do you feel about drugs?
(CARL) Alcohol?
Crime?
Prostitution?
Cubism?Music?
Cubism?Music?
(VOICES BLURRED)
If culture's a process,
is a new pattern of behaviour
invented or an old one modified?
Oh, yeah, and she's a narcoleptic.
Really need to up her dose.
It's all right.
The others have gone.
Frightened them off?
Cleared the place.
Frank?
Dropping Stella off.
Bet you've all
had a good laugh at me.
Yep.
Told Frank he should terminate
the friendship.
You don't want 'em hanging round
with someone mentally unstable.
No, that's an advantage.
I see.
Your dad's told me all about you.
Must be hard having so much
upheaval in your life.
And you think a narcoleptic's
going to provide
some much needed stability?
I'm quite nice once
you get to know me.
I'll be the judge of that.
I hope we can be friends.
I doubt it.
Your dad and me
We're gonna try and make a go of it.
Your funeral.
Of course I wouldn't try
to replace your mum.
Wise,
because I'm not looking for one.
I'm glad we had this chance to talk.
You got spaghetti in your hair.
They hated me, Frank.
The gynaecologist never
prodded me so deeply.
They're just keeping a look out
for me,
I made one or two mistakes
in the past.
What am I getting myself into?
An honest
and committed relationship.
I've got to start the meeting.
(IN ET VOICE) I'll be right here.
OK, everyone, settle down.
NowCarol, you wanted to
(SNORING)
She's looking for sponsors for
her hike up Ben Nevis.
Anyone interested can speak to her
after the meeting,
get a sponsorship form.
Now, moving along to discrimination
in the workplace,
I know a lot of members
have suffered.
The world is full of ruthless people
eager to take advantage of
the vulnerable and naive.
The money was about to fall out
of her purse.
I was helping the woman out.
You can treat me like a fool
only once, Frank.
Oh, don't act like some
paragon of virtue.
You're the one that's been
in the nick for inciting a riot.
Yeah, I let my emotions
get the better of me
and I paid my debt to society.
You were about to thieve from a good
friend of mine, a kind, gentle woman,
blind, narcoleptic, and suffering
from the early onset of dementia.
How could ya?
How could ya?
It was the perfect crime.
She wouldn't see me, and if she did
somehow know it was me,
ten minutes later she'd have
***' forgotten.
Ugh!
Libby!
*** off, Frank!
Libby!
(STIRRING TEA)
Any chance of you lookin' after
your sister?
I could do with drowning me sorrows.
None whatsoever.
I'm on a promise tonight.
What happened to whatshername?
Why not get her over?
Early night for Stella, a leg over for
you.
Might put a smile back on your face.
It'sernot worked out.
What was all that *** about then?
Introductions and all that?
Well, I thought I could get
what I wanted.
She must be special.
I haven't seen you clean your shoes
since the last time
you were in court.
I told yerI'm on a promise.
And when you're onto a good thing
you should do everything
in your power
not to let it slip out of yer hands.
You can never trust 'em.
They're like drug addicts, drinkers.
Promise you the earth
and then deliver something
the size of a window box.
Your father was the same.
Waster.
Ah, Libby darling, forget him.
You would never have settled
to that,
some sort of mother to his kids,
and a cook, cleaner,
bottle-washer to a drunk.
I thought Frank was different.
You thought wrong.
When I was with him I felt more
alive.
For the first time in years
I knew what it was like to have
blood coursing through my veins.
Those figs are coursing
right through my system.
Fetch the commode.
I wanted to say I'm sorry.
I *** up and I needed
I don't wanna hear it.
Karen.
No!
No, no.
Whatever it is,
I don't wanna hear it.
(TURNS MUSIC ON)
Please!
No.
No.
Karen, please.
Karen!
Please!
(SHOUTING) I do not want to hear it!
I go back to us.
♪
(TURNS MUSIC OFF)
I'll take over now, Dad.
All sorted?
Not yet, but it will be.
So who do I have to ***
to get a drink around here?
(CHEERING)
(LAUGHS)
I'll leave that to you,
shall I, son?
Yeah.
Gin and tonic, and a word with
the landlady, please, Jamie.
She knows.
And you're still standing.
OK, well, you've left me with
a bit of a problem.
Just get someone else.
There must be a million men
more than willing to take my place.
Willing, yes.
Qualifiedhmm.
There must be someone.
(KNOCKING)
I'm a ***.
A lying, thieving, drug-taking,
beer-swilling,
***-chasing sponger who
hasn't done a day's work in his life
and doesn't care who knows it so
long as it's not
anyone from the DSSS.
Frank.
Frank.
Let me finish.
I wasted a good education and every
opportunity was put my way.
I disappointed me mother and father,
I drove away the women
who lovedme,
the children who wanted something
from me, I was incapable of giving,
couldn't wait to see
the back of them,
so that I could return to being
centre
of my
decrepit little universe.
But
.
.
when I'm with you
.
.
I want to be something else.
Someone else.
A bet
A better man.
You complete me, you know.
I just nee
Shut up!
Just shut up!
You had me at "I'm a ***"!
Libby?
Yeah.
(GROANING)
You'll need these.
It's 5 for the psychic audience
and a tenner for one-to-one, so
Is there an Eileen in the room?
The spirits want to tell her about
her wayward son.
They say Roy is feeling neglected.
Is there anything else for me?
Something about a factory
closing down
and a husband with
murderous thoughts.
It's Corrie.
And there's an outbreak of chlamydia
on the horizon
and someone's cheating in an exam.
It's Hollyoaks.
Don't tell me, someone's had an
abortion
and there's a fire in the pub.
Wow, Kelly, you've got the gift as
well.
No, I watched it.
She's just telling you what's been
happening in the soaps.
You've still got your old aerial,
Lil.
It's all digital now.
I'll ***' white noise yer.
What have I done?
Someone better go and tell Bunty.
She's sold all her belongings and
booked a parachute jump.
You get paid for this?
(GROANING)
(PANTING)
(SIGHING)
Yes!
What time d'you want me back?
I have a slight cash flow problem,
sweetie.
You've cleared me out.
(GROANS)
I'm sure we can think of something.
Kids smashed yours in,
library's shut down and you won't
get a job with your record, so
Eh?
It's all very laudable, Frank, but
this wouldn't last two minutes
where I live.
Well, it'd last a lot longer
than that round here.
What are you saying?
Live with me.
Here I am.
Honestish,
a "warts and all" autobiography,
bit dog-eared, but a good yarn.
I couldn't possibly,
it's too early, it's too quick.
I need a woman in me life.
But if you take me on,
you take on the kids too.
They need someone gentle and
nurturing, especially the baby.
You've got a baby?
Yeah, Stella.
You hardly notice that she's there,
apart from the smell now and again.
A baby.
(# GIRLS ALOUD: The Loving Kind)
(MUSIC STOPS)
I'm sorry.
Are you leaving me?
All that
Phone calls,
the late nights.
I was just taking care of business.
I know not to get involved
with business.
It goes right over my head.
It's all sorted now.
It's over.
Good.
D'you know, if it all gets too
much
.
.
and you can't handle it
.
.
take Connor, and you go.
You just go.
You just go.
No.
Fancy a brew?
Yeah, I'd love one.
(LIBBY GROANING)
(KNOCKING AT THE DOOR)
Libby there?
I'm her mother.
She's, um
It's all right, I'll wait.
Sorry, son, you'll need
to bring those in.
(LIBBY STILL GROANING)
(LIBBY) 'I believe that true love
lasts for ever.
'Occasionally it takes a holiday
'but returns refreshed, deeper,
'more powerful and dynamic
than ever before,
'coursing through your veins,
'filling your brain,
'your heart,
'your soul with'
You have a nice sleep, Libby, love.
We're getting wed.
I can't marry him
if I don't tell him.
It'll destroy him.
And you.
Pub closed?
I know a fake when I see one.
Yeah, right back at ya.
You havin' a party? Come with us.
She's my sister!
(CHEERING)
I'm *** no one!
Unless I'm *** paying you!
Do I want to see your faces around
Chatsworth again?
Do you smell 'owt?
Other than you?