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Now, about the lesbian thing
for those of you who might be concerned about being in an audience
with a lesbian performer on the stage,
Now I've had this increasing popularity as time has gone on
and more and more non-lesbian people seem to appreciate my humor
They come to see me, and they feel -- I've been told that they feel
that they don't have a right to laugh at lesbian humor
and, in fact, they don't! OK?
So, I've gotten around this. I've had a problem with this
but I've gotten around this
now, I just dub everybody in my audiences Honorary Lesbians
Now some people have a hard time with it
they think lesbianism should be kept for the lesbians
but I don't think that lesbianism dissipates by including more people in it.
And you're only lesbians for the night
by the time you wake up tomorrow morning it will have worn off.
I love it. Thank you.
Well, I must be doing the right thing
Those people complaining about me making honorary lesbians are just wrong
In the name of the Mother and the sister and the heavenly you know what
I hereby dub you Honorary Lesbians!
Hallelujah sisters, I'm glad you're here
You're gonna have a better time tonight Than you've ever had in your entire life
if you're not a "true" lesbian Now "true" lesbian and "real" lesbian --
need to make a distinction here Honorary Lesbians are real lesbians
for the period that they are lesbians, ok?
So, don't be flirtin' too much with the true lesbians because you might have to go home with them.
Now a lot of people have said
"What exactly does it mean to be an Honorary Lesbian?"
I mean, "What DOES it mean?"
and I say to that: "You're processing -- you're halfway there."
Now, Honorary Lesbians -- you do have some rights and responsibilities --
first of all, you have the right to use either the men's or the women's bathroom
at intermission -- in fact, that's also kind of a responsibility, too
It's sort a point of principle for you to use both.
You know, about bathrooms? Have you ever noticed --
bathrooms have the little -- the woman in the skirt on the women's,
and the guy in the pants (we assume it's a guy)
I think from now on, we should make everybody in a skirt go to the one
with the skirt on the door, and everybody in pants go the one with the pants on the door.
*** that gender ***!
So anyway, your rights and responsibilities as a lesbian
Now, as a lesbian, you have, basically, three big issues.
The first issue, of course, is Homophobia,
because you are a lesbian
and this is kind of a thing that sort of permeates your entire existence, alright?
You think about it a lot,
it oppresses you each and every day of your life.
Secondly, you have the issue of feminism, because, of course,
you are also a woman as well as a lesbian
Feminism and homophobia are kind of two big issues you've got --
and then, your third big issue
is whether the S/M *** should have their segregated space at Michigan
That! You may spend more time on this issue than any other issue that you have!
So, anytime in the performance if you're feeling a little bored
or you're not quite sure what you should do as a lesbian,
you can just latch onto your issues,
cause that what lesbians do -- latch onto your issues with strong hands, ok?
Let's see, is there anything else you need to know about being a lesbian . . .
Well -- oh! The other question I get asked frequently is: "Is it voluntary?"
No. It's not voluntary.
You have to be a lesbian if you're in my audience.
I think it's good for you.
(transition)
Then I sat down, and I did some soul-searching -- you know --
another thing lesbians like to do, for those of you who aren't in the know yet --
did some soul-searching, did a little therapizing around it,
talked to a few of my friends on the telephone . . .
. . . and then I went to the hot tubs . .
-- just doing that cultural clue-in thing for the honorary lesbians here --
I don't want them to be completely inept by intermission,
because they might go out and do something politically incorrect, God forbid!
So, I was thinking about this, and I was looking at myself,
and I was thinking "Why are they so scared?"
But as I began to look at myself, I thought perhaps I might begin to understand.
I'm dangerous, I'm a radical lesbian --
I'm dangerous -- I'll convert you if I can.
I never got married, I never had kids
I never gave a *** what the status quo did --
I'm dangerous, I tell you I'm a real live lesbian.
I live in a great big house with my lover and her two boys --
we've been together for seven years and we don't like a lot of loud noise.
When I get mad, you better watch out, I'll tell you what I do --
I go out in the garden I pick some broccoli
I bite off the heads and I chew........
Because I'm Dangerous ........
I said I'm dangerous -- I'm a raging, badass ***
I'm dangerous --
I ride around on a ten-speed bike.
I don't shave my legs, I'm a total disgrace
I'm at my best in women-only space
I'm dangerous, I tell you -- I'm a raging, badass ***.
Some day in the future, the world will be mine.
We'll have world peace and free day-care
and our periods will come on time.
We'll give food to the hungry, people will know that we care --
we'll tax the rich and share the wealth -- no wonder the Patriarchy's scared.
Cause I'm dangerous.
I'm dangerous -- I'm a wild-eyed Amazon--
I'm dangerous -- I don't use no ban roll-on
I don't go to church though I know it's bad--
honey, I do things that make my mother mad.
I'm dangerous, I tell you, I'm a wild-eyed Amazon
You know, I work in the social services field,
I work for peanuts so your needs get filled --
I care for the sick and the indigent, too
I do the work no man would do.
Honey, I'll be pushing your wheelchair, when you are over the hill,
and if I ain't there to do it,
one of my wild-eyed, badass, radical lesbian sisters will
Because we're Dangerous!
I said: I'm dangerous -- I'm a real live Lesbeean
I'm dangerous Come on and give me a great big hand
(Lesbian Applause)
I'm a major threat to the status quo --
When I die, I'll reincarnate as a PINK ***!
I'm dangerous, I tell you I'm a real live Lesbee-an --
Oh, yes I am!