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Hey there! I'm Wes. And I'm Tony!
Recently we've seen Kickstarter help people realize their dreams worldwide...
so it seems to be the PERFECT time to accomplish something we've always
dreamed of:
to annihilate the
planet with an orbital death ray.
This is something we're truly passionate about
and with the help of Kickstarter backers, we can finally put an end to the
disgusting banality of human existence. Previously moon-mounted death rays existed only
in the fictions of Tee Vee
and Video Games. But our seething disdain for humanity has made fiction...
a Reality!
We've already built a one-one millionth scale prototype as a proof of concept.
The only thing holding us back... is money.
For a mere six hundred billion dollars,
you can help us make THIS happen.
Now, the first question you probably have is, "how does it work?"
As soon as next year, we'll a laser twice the length of a football field on the moon
and pull the trigger, exploding the earth like a cherry bomb inside of an egg. :)
Now, you may have some reservations. A lot of people are asking, "Will it hurt?" The answer is...
ABSOLUTELY.
But the momentary flash of a six million
gigawatt positronic energy beam is still
a fraction of the ache of simply being. Now THAT's refreshing!
So why Kickstarter?
Well, typically we'd get private investors to fund the project, but we deserve to make
the laser we want without compromising our original vision.
These "money guys" often ask, "Duhh, what if we only used the laser to eliminate hostile dictators
or to stop natural disasters?" But THEY ARE MISSING THE POINT. Also it's really hard to find rich
people who wanna die.
Super hard. :(
So why pledge?
In addition to be ecstasy of being gloriously liberated from the shackles
of this mortal coil, we've set up a bunch of cool rewards for our backers!
Any donation over five hundred dollars will get your name laser etched on the side of
the laser.
For one billion dollars, we'll fly you and two of your friends
to the moon base for a tour the facility, before jettisoning you into the cold grip of space to hasten your
inescapable demise. At our highest tier, one hundred billion dollars, we'll make
YOUR house the point of impact for the laser.
Just think about it! If aliens ever discover our
shattered husk of a planet, they'll see that you were target and determine that you must
have been the most important human... of ALL time.
Immortality through death? Priceless. Now, six hundred billion is just the magic
number that we need to make this happen
but we have some awesome push goals to really make this apocalypse...
a "Blast!" :D
If we can pull eight hundred billion, we can make the laser an independent orbital
satellite and destroy the earth AND the moon.
For three hundred thousand dollars more, we can blow up that satellite with buttload
of TNT.
And finally,
if we can manage to hit our one trillion dollar push-goal
we can make the laser... BLUE.
So the project comes with a few risks and challenges. There IS a chance a lone "hero"
with nothing to lose might break into the facility and try and stop our plan. But we think
that even the possibility extinguishing the vast majority of
life on the planet is worth of risks involved.
Like they say, "You can't make an omelet without blowing up seven billion eggs." (Psalms, 18:6)
That's the plan! Thanks for listening everybody!
Sure, it MIGHT sound crazy,
space lasers have ALWAYS seemed like an impossible dream. dream
But together,
we can make it is though humanity... never happened. :) :)