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Previously on Weeds
- Get down!
- Mom.
- I'm sorry.
- Why?
- Shane, you got shot.
- I'm okay.
I *** up my kids.
- Who's that?
- This is Adelita.
Our stepsister.
Hey, Adelita.
- I hear Silas tried to hit on her.
- Why is that so funny?
He's not exactly in her division.
Weed.
I need a steady supply.
And I'm not talking nickel
and dime bags here.
She squeezed me out.
I was gonna be a drug kingpin.
You two idiots want
to get back at mom, right?
All right, then.
Let's do this right.
- What's that?
- I filled out all the forms
to put Esteban's name
on the birth certificate.
Do you have a plan?
Maybe call a girl
who calls me on my ***.
- You're a frozen margarita, Andy.
- Why did you go out with me?
I'm fascinated by how all this is gonna
play out with the gangster baby-daddy.
The people have spoken.
They support Esteban Reyes for governor.
Look at him.
That's what he's meant to be doing.
Weeds 512
Glue
By the Fumistes team.
lesfumistes[at]gmail.
com
Are you drinking?
Yes, Shane, I am drinking.
I've been drinking all night.
- Can't seem to get drunk.
- Why?
Don't know.
Not for lack of effort.
I can tell you that.
Why have you been
drinking all night?
Because that's what I do
when my husband
God, it feels weird to say that.
I'm drinking because
they took him away in handcuffs
and I'm waiting for Cesar
to find out who "they" are,
where he is, why his phone is off,
and whether or not
I'm a widow again.
Which of his many crimes
did they arrest him for?
I don't know.
Do you think Pilar set him up?
I don't know.
They just took him away.
About *** time.
Don't you ever wish
that you could go back
to right after dad died
and do things differently?
I try not to think about it.
I think about it a lot.
Okay.
I'm coming now.
I'll *** GPS it, Cesar.
The pol�cia judicial
are holding him.
Should you be driving?
Probably not.
You've got to be *** kidding me.
Seriously, mom, you're losing it.
Au contraire I'm on top.
And I am staying on top this time,
like Nancy.
In fact,
I'm gonna out-Nancy Nancy.
Is that why you're dressed
like a ***?
See, Nancy had the right idea.
Life is not about
making good choices
in order to get good things.
Life is about admitting
what you want
and not being afraid to take it.
So I'm off to meet my connection,
swap this cheddar
for some heady nuggets,
and then perhaps I'll eat a salad
and get my sapphic freak on.
I actually threw up
into my nose that time.
Well, you know, throwing up
is slimming down.
Wait! Before you go,
there was a detective,
downstairs, asking about you.
A black guy
Brown fedora, leather jacket.
Mentioned your name,
flashed a badge.
Maybe he thinks
you're turning tricks.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Have fun with the whole Nancy envy
and the drug deal
and the taking and the wanting
and the not being afraid.
No consequences, no regrets.
Have you seen yourself
in that dress?
One regret.
One big-haired, big-***,
big loudmouthed regret.
Some idiot is standing
in front of the car.
That's no idiot, that's my
Actually, you're right.
I was parking.
When you were pulling away,
I was all, "Hey, Nance!"
but you couldn't hear me,
so I started running,
which is harder than it looks.
- Should I keep driving?
- Yeah, sure.
On a bit of a buzz here
Adrenaline rush or
anticipation.
I'm a man on a mission, Nance.
I'm a man with a plan.
"What could that plan be?"
she asks herself,
intrigued, yes,
perhaps even captivated by the
Shut up!
- Okay, here goes.
- You never listen.
- I'm trying to tell you something
- You're like a child yanking
that's happening in my life.
Major life event for Andy?
You going to Candy Mountain?
It doesn't always
have to be about you.
- Today it does.
Today it's
- There are other people in the world.
- You don't even ask.
- People with lives of their own
"Hey, where are you going?
Why so serious?
- "Something bothering you?"
- Something's always bothering you.
My husband
God, that sounds weird!
is being held somewhere
by somebody for some reason.
Okay, that's Major.
I kind of don't know
if I'm ever gonna see him again,
if my children are safe,
what's happening in my life,
so I kind of don't give a ***
about your shenanigans.
"Shenanigans" is a bit rough.
Sorry about Esteban.
I'm sure he'll be okay.
He's too big to fail.
I'm sorry I shenanigan'ed
your Major life event.
What is it?
- I'm going to Candy Mountain.
- Come on.
I'll tell you later.
You just made a huge deal about it
Mission, running, mystery.
- No, it's nothing, really.
- Spill it.
I'm gonna ask Audra to marry me.
I want to give her
my mom's engagement ring,
the ring that Judah gave you.
So, can I have it?
What's with the lockdown?
The suited ogres won't let me leave.
Ask your mother.
She gave orders.
Yeah, she does that.
Made a mess of my plans.
She does that, too.
I was gonna go jogging.
Jogging.
It helps me clear my mind.
Clear your mind of what?
Don't be so serious
about everything.
Since I can't leave,
some friends are coming over
for a little party.
You should join us.
Hang out, loosen up
Clear your mind.
Cool.
But
You might want to change
your clothes.
He is in this building.
I will find out why.
You will wait here.
I'm going with you.
It's better for me to go alone.
The local color is not white.
Okay, I found Siempre Mujer,
TV y Novelas,
and, for the rare
English-speaking customer,
Woman's You-Niverse, from July 1974.
"I was frigid.
Now hear me roar.
"
"The diet that makes you
grow younger.
"
"Is bisexuality thinkable?"
Can I please have the ring?
I know it's bad timing.
I'm still processing,
and, yes,
this is incredibly bad timing.
It was Bubbie's.
It went to my father, to my mother,
to Judah, and then to you.
It has history.
It has meaning.
It's free.
- "Are you truly in love?"
- Yes, without a doubt.
I'm not asking.
I'm reading aloud.
Magazine quiz.
You never even wear it.
Judah gave it to me.
Eh, and Esteban gave you a new one.
We must go to the sixth floor,
speak with a registration clerk.
Let's go.
We need a pass.
- Where do we get a pass?
- We get a number.
What number did we get?
Here.
Buy a better number.
Let's do the "truly in love" quiz
Winner take all,
and by "all," I mean that ring.
Quizzes are ***.
And it's 1974.
Do the criteria for amor
ever really change
or are you just worried
that my love for Audra
is like a red, red rose?
- Question number one.
- Bring it on!
"When you're away from your love
and you think of him,
do you feel
'a,' joyful, 'b,' sad,
'c,' lonely, or, 'd,' ***?"
You smell like You won.
Perro Insano always triumphs!
You were defeated by El Conductor
on two separate occasions.
No more autograph for you.
Get out of here!
How does this work?
Leave your bag of money.
Take my bag of weed.
Simple enough.
Where you going?
Wrong wrestler.
I know where you live, ***!
Question 27.
"Friendship in true love is
"an overblown concept,
a fundamental concept,
a waste of time, a bonus?"
I'm glad you asked that.
This would go a lot faster
if you'd answer the questions.
I do answer the questions.
You discuss.
It's fricking multiple choice.
I feel there are certain nuances
that merit examination.
- Here we go.
- What?
- This.
- You and Esteban aren't friends?
- We're friends, I guess.
- You don't know.
You don't think it's important?
'Cause I think it's fundamental.
- It was one of the *** choices.
- Friends and lovers can watch a movie,
- play cards, dominoes.
- Sit in the dark and not talk?
Otherwise, it's just about sex.
It's always about sex with you.
- That's not That's not fair.
- You spent a few days banging her,
- now you think you got to get married.
- I don't think that.
I'm gonna do it.
- When?
- Tomorrow!
That's why I want the ring.
Tomorrow.
Jesus, Andy, you just I mean
- You're not in love with this person.
- What if I am?
What if this is my shot
for a nice, normal life
with a doctor
and a family of my own?
It's me.
I need help.
- I'm hanging up now.
- No! Wait!
The cops are after me.
It's not safe to use my cellphone.
I've had way too much caffeine,
and now I have to *** like a racehorse.
I don't know how you drank those lattes
and didn't wet yourself.
Goodbye, Celia.
No, just Just tell me
Where do I hide out
when the heat is on?
Do I go home? Do I motel?
Mexico?
Can't really recommend Mexico
at the moment.
I'm not going back to the slammer.
Would you say friendship
is a fundamental part of true love?
What?
If you want my help,
answer the *** question.
Wrong answer.
Have fun in jail.
What's going on?
Esteban is not on this floor.
You said six.
This is six.
We must go up to 11,
criminal division.
Is he under arrest?
Held for questioning.
Questioning
Might be a ray of sunshine there.
If we squint.
Are you from L.
A.
?
North of there, actually.
Like Malibu?
Like Agrestic.
Where did you prep?
Agrestic High.
Public institution of learning,
cabr�n.
There's nothing wrong
with public schools.
Then why did your dad
send you to Dana Hall?
So she wouldn't get ***
by public ***, cabr�n.
I'm just playing, Adelita.
You want to smoke?
- I'll smoke some weed.
- All out.
But I do have
some delightful ***.
Number 43.
"What is the glue
that holds your relationship
together for life?"
I don't even need to hear the choices.
I'm gonna go with Elmer's.
Glib, and not a choice.
Love is a choice,
a choice that I'm making.
And now you'll tell me why.
'Cause I believe that true love
can overcome any problem.
That's fairy-tale stuff,
not real life.
All I know is
Audra makes me feel like
every other woman in my life
was wrong, a mistake.
How about Judah?
Was he a mistake?
There are different loves and marriages,
and they're not ranked.
I have been married for 27 years.
We have three beautiful children
and a deep, abiding love,
but our glue's made from sharing,
connecting, communicating,
and I never bring my work home.
The jungle fuzz!
***! ***!
I should be hiding.
Good idea.
That's a *** hard door, man.
We're talking about my husband.
I am trying to find
We're told that you have him back there.
Can you just
My husband!
The father of my child!
We have a baby!
{\Keep talking to me in English.
I need you to help me.
I want to talk to somebody
who speaks english.
I want to talk to somebody
who speaks english!
Let me deal with this.
Go sit down.
Getting angry is not going to help.
You ever want to go back
and do things differently?
Yeah, I want to teleport to 1974.
"What to wear to an ***.
"
Apparently,
the presence of underwear
signals your desired level
of participation.
You've moved on from your lame quiz?
I'm not giving up on that.
I'm totally kicking your ***.
- Read.
- Number 65.
"At our core, the search
for true love is driven by
"passion, need for sex,
"need for financial
and emotional support,
"or, 'd'
"the basic human need
to feel connected
and leave the prison of aloneness?"
These *** dicks are still here?
My thoughts exactly.
They smoked ***.
You smoked ***?
Nope to dope and ugh to drugs
Deputy dog.
I took it to heart.
Except for weed.
Her friends suck.
She kind of sucks.
There are two more
just like her in France
who could drop by at anytime.
The potential for *** party buds
is exponential.
- Want some?
- Why not?
Here's to this thing we're doing now
here in this ridiculous place.
Thanks
For not leaving.
I know you could have.
I'm actually leaving tomorrow.
Shut up.
Will you look at this ***?
Should we do something?
She's totally out of it.
Apparently, these are the guys
her dad wants her to ***, so
Oh, ***.
Don't tell anyone I was noble.
Come on! Let's go!
Party's over.
Out.
Get up!
Out!
Don't worry, Agrestic?
Back of the line, public.
***.
Why are you still here?
Run, dummy.
Badass ***!
Summer school.
The results are in.
Goodie.
Me 89!
"You understand what love is
and are truly in love!"
That's nice.
Guess they didn't count
your *** fixation against you.
I guess not.
Nancy Bot
Yikes 62.
***!
"Don't feel bad.
"You still have the chance
"to reexamine your priorities
and understanding of love
to make a positive change
in your life.
"
Or I could kill myself.
Look, it's a silly quiz, you know?
It doesn't necessarily mean anything.
Obviously.
For you, I mean.
For me, it's pretty accurate.
- Because you're truly in love.
- Truly in love.
That's right.
For now.
Why do you have to do that?
I know you.
This is what you do.
You love to be loved.
You pull all this love in.
You build it all up in your head.
And when it gets too close, you run.
I just want the ring, Nance.
Spare me all the brilliant insight.
You're not gonna give it to me.
You cannot get it together to treat me
like somebody you actually care about.
That's not it.
You're a *** coward.
Do you know that?
You think that all this crazy ***
you get into makes you brave,
but you're *** terrified
of being ordinary.
I would love
To be ordinary.
I would love to be back in Agrestic
waiting for Judah to come home.
You burned that town
to the ground and your house.
- Yeah, I did that.
- You did that.
I made some sacrifices
for my family.
Fine.
What you sacrificed was your family.
That's what you did.
Look where you are.
Are you watching Shane play soccer?
No, 'cause you *** that up.
Don't sit here and tell me
you want to be someone else
when you do *** all
to change what's going on.
It's your turn.
I'm sorry.
There's nothing more
I can do to help you.
You can tell me where he is.
We're closing.
The whole building is.
- It's 4:00.
It's 4-***-o'clock!
- That clock is broken.
- Tell me where he is.
- I don't know!
Tell me where he is.
Tell me where he is!
Thank you.
- He's not here.
- What?
He was released four hours ago.
Look, I
You know that I don't like you,
and I know that you don't like me,
but I need your help.
I have this bag full of plants.
I need it gone.
Exactly.
No, I will not suck your ***.
Bingo!
I'd appreciate it if you didn't ask
my mom to blow you in front of me.
Had to, or she would have known
something was up,
right dark and lovely?
Word.
- Why are you still dressed like that?
- Yeah.
Why are you, Tito?
Thought I might go out for a bit.
White women
been sweating me all day.
I'm gonna hit a hot spot,
turn it loose.
Turn what loose
Your small white ***?
You're gonna get your *** kicked.
No, it's cool.
Robert Downey Jr opened the door.
Now, I'm gonna walk
through that door,
get me some bathroom sex
at Applebee's.
That might work.
Where's the rest of my yo pretty at?
I could use a little more snake bite
for my lips.
What do you think?
I'll let the hospital know
you're coming.
You're drinking?
- Are you kidding me?
- Yes, I am
Drinking, not kidding.
Count me in.
Where's Silas?
Holding Adelita's hair
while she pukes.
I get five feet in the door
and ***'s already falling apart.
Relax.
We're celebrating
the big announcement.
What big announcement?
I'm getting married.
What?
Don't listen to him.
He's high on infatuation.
No, look.
There's el governor to be with Pilar.
He's back on the ticket.
She pulled him back in.
Are you really getting married?
Yes, he is,
and he's using my ring
With my blessing.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.