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POLYGON FILM STUDIO IN ASSOCIATION WITH SOUZ-VIDEO PRESENTS
SERGEY ARTSYBASHEV ALEXANDRE BELYAVSKY UOZAS BUDRAITIS VICTOR PAVLOV
MIKHAIL VLADIMIROV IVAN OKHLOBYSTIN VLADIMIR SHAINSKY SERGEY GABRIELYAN OLEG PASHCHENKO
IN ROMAN KACHANOV FILM
Have you got the money?
What do you want aII that haIdoI for?
I'II eat it and be driven to a madhouse.
But what for?
To join the army is not a pIeasure for me.
DEMOBBED
That was a hard year: taxes, disasters,
prostitution, banditry, and insufficient recruitment.
The probIem was attacked by our recruitment officer.
He mustered all local loafers, fools and disabled.
The deaf were appointed to serve as guards at a Mountain Adder Post.
Years have passed since the appointment
and they are stiII keeping their weird guard.
There is the word ''must''.
It does not matter, I wiII not take the oath.
Sonny, young you are.
The oath is not for you but you are for the oath.
Warrant officer, write down this phrase, simpIe and great.
MUSIC BY PAVEL MOLCHANOV
Mum, I hate to become a soIdier, I fear to serve.
We have to caII our uncIe Victor for heIp.
He is a zootechnician and must know how to shirk the service.
RECORDING DIRECTOR VLADISLAV TARASOV
To Iive outside the army is just the same as to make Iove in a rubber.
There is a movement and no progress.
EDITOR ALBINA ANTIPENKO
Look here, you've burnt the whoIe pIace of our work.
Excuse me, I did not want to.
I run an experiment with a view to a rationaIization proposaI.
Cannot you have at Ieast the accounts undamaged?
- What for? - We shouId be paid our wages today.
It went cIean out of my mind.
Now keep in mind that if you faiI to Ieave for the army,
you wiII be caged up Iike a jaiIbird.
COSTUME DESIGNER PAVEL LIPATOV
Everything human must be beautifuI:
shouIder-straps, cap-badges, undergarment.
Otherwise you are not a human but a mammaI.
MAKE-UP ROMAN DARENSKY
WhiIe doing so...
...you may significantIy extend the Iife of service of your carburetor and pIunger rings.
Zinaida, get out of here.
take your academic record and come to my office.
You has become of age to go into the army.
PeopIe are different: some defend their MotherIand against enemies' attacks,
some attack their teachers' wives around the coIIege.
Either peopIe can be servicemen.
However, the former are serving, the Iatter hasn't yet.
PRODUCTION DESIGNER YEKATERINA ZALETAYEVA
Hey, Cheburashka Toy Who Has No Friend, I have been eating aII that haIdoI...
...and the army became more and more attractive.
I don't know what shouId be done, Cheburashka Toy Who Has No Friend.
COMPUTER ANIMATION ANTON MOLOK GEORGY KULIKOV
Nature is neither a shrine, nor a workshop.
Nature is a shoot-to-kiII gaIIery.
- We have our beIiefs. - What beIiefs?
We beIieve in our god Govindah who forbids us to shoot at peopIe.
That's aII right. AII of you are fit for service.
And your godindah is fit for aII purposes. Besides, your hair needn't have been cut.
And you have staying power.
To cry your prayers for four hours running is not within everyone's capacity.
You wiII be appointed to serve in the chemicaI troops.
ADMINISTRATOR SERGEY KHOTIMSKY
We say, cannot you get to sIeep?
FIy away, Russian eagIe. I and Cheburashka Toy...
... Who Has No Friend want to serve as gunners.
Patriots are welcome!
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER VICTOR ALISOV
The serviceman is not an occupation but a sexuaI orientation.
PRODUCERS SERGEY KHOTIMSKY MAXIM GARANIN SERGEY ALEKSEYEV
... My life seemed to be a pack of cards.
I was sick of the worId and the worId didn't take a Iiking to me.
I had to make a choice.
Smoking was not aIIowed in monasteries, drinking in prisons.
The army was a singIe option.
It seemed to be a wonderfuI Iand of freedom from the worId and myseIf.
To NationaI or EI Gaucho as usuaI?
Today we go to a recruitment office.
COORDINATOR FAINA BALK
We have to amputate your forefinger.
You wiII be unabIe to shoot. I wouId recommend you a circuIar saw.
At home you may use cutting pIiers.
Uncle Victor, how can I marry without my forefinger?
What wiII you make with it for you wife?
I don't know exactIy. I am stiII in the green.
Since your are too green, you have to make a number one in your pants or,
in other words, wet yourseIf or, scientifically, enuresis.
If anyone have an enuresis, he is not fit for service.
I don't want to wet myself. This is disgusting.
Besides, my grandma trained me to having a pee at four in the morning.
She was a dairymaid. The morning miIking began at five.
Well, four in the morning is the right time.
Business before pleasure.
You will either wet yourself or have your finger amputated.
Son, be brave as your father who was reported missing.
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY ANATOLY SUSEKOV
- Soldier, are you really ***? - Yes, I am.
It does not matter at all, soIdier. Bad environment, you know.
Nowadays everyone wets oneseIf, me too.
And Commander-in-Chief does sometimes, owing to circumstances.
Our obIigations to the MotherIand are of the highest consideration.
Your shameful illness we'll turn into a heroic deed. You will be appointed to serve in airborne troops.
There you wiII aIso start *** your pants.
Now, everybody, go to the recruit depot. Chiao, Pinocchios.
You may send me Ietters marked as poste restante.
''I am Sebastian Pereira, a trader in bIack-wood.'' I'm joking.
SCRIPTWRITERS IVAN OKHLOBYSTIN ROMAN KACHANOV
I do not remember where or when we were put off.
I onIy remember that I was sick.
UnIike the others, I went into the army for moral reasons.
DIRECTOR ROMAN KACHANOV
Hey, paIs,where can I be registered for marines?
I have no wish to join a construction battaIion.
I brooked no physicaI work free of charge.
Aren't you going to simuIate iIIness?
It's ridicuIous! Why do you think I have come here?
I advise you to smash a bottIe to smithers and swaIIow them.
As for me, I am going into the army to improve my skiIIs and heaIth.
What a IiveIy fancy!
Here, take this, it's a good remedy for funny ideas.
Wait for the officer of the day. He may Iet you out.
Look, bIockhead, I am tired of repeating that I had served in the army.
Today I see my nephew to the recruitment depot.
He is sleeping there, wet from head to foot.
Check up! I shouId go for miIking in an hour.
My name's Victor Bashmakov. Cannot you understand?
Wait for the officer of the day. He may Iet you out.
Damn!
Puff, buddies, as much as you want.
Cheburashka Toy Who Has No Friend has come to extremes.
Marina, wait for me and I'II be back. What do you say?
No, Marina, you must not attend his birthday party.
And hers either.
Who is coughing over there?
Remember me to your grandpa.
Why are you breathing hard? Do you have a coId?
I wrote a Ietter for you.
When I come to my unit, I wiII buy an enveIope and post it.
Send me poppy bread rings and audio cassettes...
Hey, paI, I want to caII home. My sister must be in Iabor.
Then we were given a show of GeneraI in reserves, with ancient orders.
Sonnies! The buIIet hits at random, the bayonet does weII!
Don't roar, oId man. You'd better give us refreshments.
Sure I'II give.
OnIy in here my woman cannot annoy and disgrace me, an oId guardsman.
Perhaps, you shouIdn't do it. Remember, your Iast visit...
Shut up! I rammed my first destroyer when your MarshaI couId onIy
cIean up johns under my command.
For a bottIe of ***...
... I gave eight machines, coming out of the battIe unscathed.
Forward to BeIomorcanaI!
To our MotherIand! To the victory day!
Drink the ***, sonnies!
The obedient sonnies executed the order.
He's a right man.
Such an oId man deserves an iron monuments at any raiIway station.
He shouIdn't be tied up or, moreover, driven to a sobering point.
- To the old man! - To the hero!
Why should I clean it up instead of that freak?
It is not my fauIt that I am found to be sitting next to him.
That man is of State Security Service, SpeciaI Department!
Everybody present in the depot was singIy brought to the speciaI department.
AImost aII came out with a pensive air, arousing my suspicions.
He threatened me.
He offered me a fee and gave none.
What a cunning man!
- What did he inquire of you? - I didn't understand.
Ah, you are in a bad way, recruit.
Is there anybody in a good way nowadays?
Your way is not just bad but much worse.
- Than I had before? - Than you had had before.
- It's nightmarish. - Yes, it is.
What shouId we do?
We shouId assist the appropriate service to expose security risks in the army.
- I know exactIy that there is one. - Swear!
DeviI take me! The officer on duty expeIs gas.
Report in detaiIs! What kind of gas? Markings?
The gas is extremeIy choking. The components are smoked sausage...
...processed cheese and Iemonade...
...with its service Iife expired. When he comes out of the Ioo,
nobody can get there for haIf an hour.
I see.
Keep the gas of him. I'II contact you. Now you may go.
Next!
I caIIed the next one and took some drug.
Four days Iater somebody threw coId water on me to bring me
to the chief officer of the recruitment depot.
Young man, are you going to serve?
Though it Iooks Iike you have your vacation here.
I have aIready sent off three recruits' teams and you are stiII here.
-The whoIe depot stinks of you. -Just say the word!
Appoint me to be a sniper in a hot spot.
I have prescribed something Iike that for you. And for your friend too.
I was cast down.
What friend do you mean? That one with a mustache?
If you couId know my friends! I owed them a Iot.
However, they themseIves wanted me to take their money,
shoving banknotes into my hand.
They were brothers, UIugbek AIiev and Maksud AIiev.
The brothers owned Begonia Snack Bar in Moscow
and just had soId their one-year-oId BMW.
I Iet the cat out of the bag by saying to Maksud that
I couId arrange his money at a good interest rate.
I said: 'Maksud, I am deIighted with your inteIIect and fortitude.
Bucks themseIves stick to you hands.' He did not protest to me.
He said that he deaIt in khachapuri, jackets and Sony eIectronics
and was a trustworthy man.
I toId him that I had a cIose acquaintance
with a minister who introduced me to a banker and that the banker
offered me to pIace money on very favorabIe terms:
to deposit thirty grands and get forty a month Iater.
'I repIied to the banker that I had a good friend next to a reIative to whom
I wouId give the offer unIess he was too busy.
Maksud cIanked his caIcuIator to trot to UIugbek.
They were excited enough to bicker with each other.
I got the money.
On the same day I had nothing but royaI fIushes.
Then I hit a bad patch. AII the moneys was gone.
A battIe began in which I couId Iose my sight before first Iight.
Let's return to the depot where I ask the coIoneI:
What friend do you mean? That one with a mustache?
Your very inteIIigent and very painstaking friend.
You mustn't... I won't go with him.
He has a diseased stomach.
Don't teII Iies. I couId stomach a bearing in my chiIdhood.
In addition, he is an idiot.
Register him together with that bIockhead.
I didn't know that bIockhead's name yet.
Record that his name is MeIon. It is IikeIy designed for his buII face.
Hey, MeIon, what's your name?
My name is AnatoIy V. Pistimeyev.
I am a forth grade tooI maker.
Why did you refuse to give your name to the officer?
I shouIdn't do his job.
Somebody eIse Iost my papers and must find them.
WILD WARRANT
By the evening time AnatoIy's papers were found in the medicaI office.
And Iater a recruiter came for our needs.
Recruits! There is need to reaIize the depth of our depth.
Hey, serviceman, wiII we get rifIes?
Three hundred and thirty five.
There are sober men here.
Women too.
With no mustache.
Buddies, do you have some money?
AII the way Iong the warrant begged money of us.
It is necessary to buy a IittIe gift for the chief.
PaI, I have no money.
I have money just enough for food.
We need a souvenir for the generaI. Compasses for drawings.
Your temptation is over, serviceman.
My brother-soIdiers caII me VIadisIav. You may caII me VIadik.
I soId my daddy's microscope.
Did you daddy put microbes under the scope?
I know a pIace aIong this road, there are great compasses there.
Let's go.
Ten centuries ago I was a honorabIe knight.
FooIish faces and my armors hindered me.
What do you wish to dine on?
A Iot of Russian saIad, pIease.
In our IocaI canteen we were given a Iot of saIad.
Once I ate too much and fainted away.
My supervisor brought me home.
What a disgusting story. PIease, meat, whiskey with soda water and ice.
Trois bouteiIIes de *** avec pIaisir.
Barbecue, pIease.
MademoiseIIe, you are so beautifuI.
Like Edith Piaf?
CertainIy.
May I touch your waist?
You may, though my waist is above your hand.
ShouId it hinder our feeIings?
No, but shouId that man with a tie at the third tabIe.
Why?
He is my husband Grigory Toporov.
He won second pIace at the European Hammer Throw Championship.
What is your name?
You may mereIy caII me EIvis PresIy, a song writer.
Damn it aII!
Anyone couId easiIy predict that our dinner wouId end...
...with appearing a patroI team.
Who? ***!
Servicemen!
Sure I don't mind your swaddIing that ***.
However, he is conveying me and my friends to the army
where we are to perform a heroic task. If you nevertheIess arrest him,
we wiII very IikeIy change our secret addresses and scatter Iike rats.
It is you who are to make a decision.
The army needs soIdiers.
The army without soIdiers means represents an inept and corruptive formation.
I am resoIving the probIem.
Showing quick wits inherent to aII servicemen,..
...the major poured *** into two gIasses. One for the warrant,..
...another for himseIf.
The warrant drank and Iodged Iike crops.
The warrant Ieft aII accompanying documents to our own examination.
As it turned out, we went to a Iong-numbered unit...
...to serve in strategic missiIe troops.
''M/v ''Richard Zorge''. ''Strategic missile troops.''
Do you understand, MeIon, that you wiII be entrusted with nucIear power?
- That's aII I need! - I'd arrange a big ***!
SuddenIy there appeared an aIkie...
Hi, boys, do you wish to Iove for money?
She offered us Iove for money.
I am gnawing your face.
At that time the warrant came to himself and attempted to escape.
I want to have a pee.
Warrant, you must be made in a hurry. AII your Iife is safe sex advertising.
Go to that bush.
It does not become commanders to do a number in the bush.
Let's bring him to the station. Why shouId he suffer? Let him pee.
He came into a cubicle and Iocked himself up forever.
- Come out. Are you aII right? - He is aII right.
We may miss the motor vesseI.
Attention! The chief is coming out!
Pipe aII hands on deck!
Our warrant is a bad-mannered person.
WiId warrant.
WhiIe I was pulling the warrant by the left foot, I imagined...
...the brothers Maksud and UIugbek
missing me in my rented apartment.
Who is a passenger? This one? This is rubbish!
Mind what you say!
He is a hero of three hot spots, a saiIor of the Baltic Fleet.
He is contused all over his head.
His bIood pressure jumps up to 300 every night.
- ReaIIy? - You can bet.
AII right, carry him in.
Don't Ieft this hero in the passage. I'm in charge for carpets.
The froIicsome warrant broke wind, Iying on an upper berth.
On the Iower berths we sit, dreaming of a heroic deed.
You, MeIon, be nicknamed Bomb.
Why?
You have a spitfire temper.
You, VIadik, be Bayonet because you're sIim.
And me be BuIIet because of hitting the mark.
If I was sent to a hot spot, I wouId be decorated for bravery.
And given the priority right to get a fIat.
And aII other preferences for sure.
If your Ieg was torn off by a sheII, you wouId be given a wooden Iimb -
in addition to a fouI-mouthed parrot and a bIack mark.
No more pirates any Ionger.
Why that merrymaking?
A wedding with a Gypsy chorus and a corps de baIIet.
I adore corps de baIIet.
That somebody was reported to push drugs through newspaper staIIs.
Stand from under!
***!
In the morning we Ianded at the city ''X''.
Recruits! FaII in!
Your sacred duty is to defend the MotherIand and to obey
the personaI hygiene reguIations instead of zigging and zagging.
That is why to route in a more efficient manner,
we shouId get on a bus and be routed to the unit.
It's quite different with him.
The more wine to drown sorrow, the more sorrow known.
- Chief! - What?
Do you recaII your biting a generaI's shouIder strap yesterday?
Biting a generaI? Never!
Neither Gypsies.
The serviceman may reIax among civvies sometimes.
But to bite a generaI and, moreover, a generaI's shouIder
strip is absoIuteIy impossibIe.
We must keep our subordination and Iength of service. FoIIow me!
FaII in!
Here is our native unit.
It Iooks Iike ruins.
It is not ruins, recruit.
It is the pIace where you are to spend the nearest two years...
...in an interesting and very fascinating manner.
I've no doubt.
After the submission of our documents to the headquarters
we couId get originaI ideas of the army.
Here we won't be fed.
That man on the poster ''Do Not Touch a Bare Wire!''...
- to be brief -
... is a buIIshit.
The warrant brought us to a bathhouse and provided with his first saying:
Nobody but fIies may marry without wedding.
Then the warrant gave us foot-cIoths and showed how to use them.
That's isn't that!
We see.
The inventor ought to have his head naiIed for such things!
I hoId him in contempt.
It finaIIy turned out that onIy Bomb couId manage his foot-cIoths.
Bayonet and me shoved ours into pockets.
Now you shouId sew inside coIIars in under the coIIars of your uniform.
We don't know how to do it.
Nobody knows. Your skiII or wish is not the point.
The point is that you shouId sew inside coIIars in under the coIIars of uniform.
The army is not just a native word but a fast deed. Thus we have won aII wars.
WhiIe enemies are drawing up maps, we change Iandscapes.
ManuaIIy.
The enemies start his attack to get fIustered within unknown Iocations,
to Iose their fighting capacity.
That is the point, that is our strategy.
I cannot bear it any Ionger, I'm going mad.
I've gone. I have tic in my eye.
I've sewn in my finger.
To acquaint us sIightIy with the pIace of service,
the warrant showed us an intercontinentaI missiIe Iauncher.
WeII, soIdiers, this is a secret faciIity.
Bomb immediateIy trod on a dog ***.
Fancy that!
Sonnies, from here our MotherIand dictates her infIexibIe wiII...
...to the other nations of the worId community.
Let's arrange a big ***!
Sure. To ruin the whoIe worId is as easy as pie.
But not now.
The warrant brought us to a mess room where three hundred soIdiers sat,
identicaI, with one face, and that face was starving.
Those aren't fit for roasting.
No, they aren't. They'II be roasted up too much.
They'd be better stewed.
Our neighbors had an animated discussion of our gastronomic merits.
What a nasty thing!
I Iike it.
I fear to think of founding myseIf by your side on an uninhabited
isIand in a year of famine.
How goes it outside? Are there any women?
There are so IittIe that we are astonished.
I say, where is our wiId warrant?
Serviceman. can you teII me how to get to a snack bar?
- You're greenhorns, aren't you? - Yes, we are.
WeII, greenhorns. SaIute me quickIy.
Now take this drum and roII it to that man.
He is a serviceman too. Remember to saIute him.
As for a snack bar, it is where you are roIIing this drum.
- Thank you. - You are weIcome.
- I don't Iike it aI aII. - It can rupture us.
That is no good to be ruptured on an empty stomach.
We extremeIy need a snack.
When I went into the army, we had eaten seven boxes of pancakes.
I was seen off by the whoIe of my works.
- As for me, by the whoIe of my coIIege. - As for me, by the whoIe of my casino.
RoII it to the checkpoint.
I have a foreboding. You foreboding is not worth a button.
The point is that we are moving away from the canteen.
What is the hitch?
- Who is that hero? - He is Father Chief.
No more questions. Give us a menu card.
I am aII menu.
Poppy roIIs, rum cakes...
...ecIair cakes..
...Iimonade, Prima cigarettes.
Coffee?
No coffee except for officers.
Coffee causes nervous breakdowns to privates.
I take aII this.
Here you are!
Take a seat, warrant. HeIp yourseIf.
It's time to go to the barracks.
WiII we be given something to eat?
Yes, there you'II be given aII you want.
BOX ON THE EAR
By good army tradition...
...the oId-timer examined us from head to foot.
Everyone who has served six months is caIIed a young-timer.
The young-timer is at middIer's beck and caII.
The middIer means anyone in his third period of service.
MiddIers run errands for any oId-timer having onIy six months Ieft to serve.
Can you expIain it in detaiIs?
I say..
...that your Iife is buIIshit.
You're raw recruits. Any of us may bring you to ruin.
I wonder what it means in practice?
Look at those good feIIows headed by senior sergeant Lavrov.
Our unwritten Iaws prevent them from washing their foot-cIoths.
However, they adore cIeanness. You'II be wash their cIoths with soap.
Say that good feIIows headed by senior sergeant Lavrov
that we have no interest in washing.
We have come to defend the MotherIand.
I'II beat the *** out of you!
Can you teII me how to get to the medicaI section?
Go straight and to the right.
WouId you mind your accompanying me?
PIease, don't troubIe! He can get it himseIf.
Having been inspired by such reception, we Ieft the barracks for the infirmary.
The dead don't grow oIder. The dead don't grow up.
The dead don't smoke. The dead don't drink.
The dead don't dance. The dead don't teII a Iie.
The dead don't pIay. The dead don't sing.
Fancy that! The things might have gone worse.
Yes, I imagined something Iike that.
I want to be given a rifIe as soon as possibIe.
A rifIe, a Iot of grenades and one anti-personneI mine.
There are five persons there, aII have chickenpox.
HaIIow, outer inteIIigent Iife.
They are of Tungus nationaIity.
They don't know a singIe word in Russian.
I've never heard of Tunguses serving in the army.
I was said that aII they had died out.
They are probabIy be sent under a nationaI interchange procedure.
To my coIIege there were aIso sent suspicious persons.
UsuaIIy with ***.
However, the night time compensated us for aII moraI damages.
Up to four in the morning we had been pIaying
the-demobbed-soIdier- goes-home-by-train.
Looking forward to a meeting with his reIations and friends,
the Lavrov feIt nervous and from time to time repeated:
Guard! A cup of tea, pIease.
Then Bomb swung the bed too much...
..and the sergeant feII into a dose and out of the train.
He broke his Ieg and burnt himseIf.
After such a stress Lavrov was carried on a stretcher to the infirmary with us.
We became friends with Lavrov. He has nobody but us to be friends with.
Look, bIoody recruits! Are you going to serve duIy or make sheep's eyes?
Yes, we are!
So you! Sing me the song of the girI who are waiting in tears.
You! Wave a toweI over me. Just take care that I don't catch a chiII.
And you, ***,
destroy fIies unceasingIy.
Look here!
Do you know the joy Ieft in recruit's Iife?
No, we don't!
Every raw recruit finaIIy becomes an oId-timer.
The oId-timer has his wonderIand because he's Ioved very much.
He can become a fireman to obtain a pass to a trade union sanatorium.
Big-bosomed girIs cry for the demobbed oId-timer.
Because he wiII never have to go into the army again.
Our friendship was estabIished.
Weights are hung on the ears Of victims to science fiction.
If you don't beIieve me, go and Iisten To nightingaIe warbIe
Of victims to science fiction.
Hey, recruit! Is chickenpox a deadIy disease?
No, senior sergeant, it isn't.
Chickenpox is not deadIy but easiIy transmittabIe.
Everyone contacting the disease shouId be isoIated in an inpatient faciIity.
Inpatient faciIity?
Lavrov Iiked the expression ''inpatient faciIity'' very much.
I say, bring any of that Tungus reindeer-breeders to me!
At first the reindeer-breeder was afraid of everything.
He feIt easy when he was given a Prima cigarette.
Look here, buddy! You heIp me, I'II heIp you.
AII peopIe are brothers. Peace to peace!
AII peopIe must heIp each other. Must heIp, mustn't they?
He don't understand! Don't understand after a year of service!
Hey, savage, spit in my mug, pIease.
Lavrov caImed down and Iet the breeder go.
Looking forward to usefuI iIIness, he sang a song of demobbed soIdiers.
Hey, raw recruit! PIay!
Those demobbed, former oId-timers, Leave their homeIike quarters.
Wherever one Iooks they waIk around, Being drunk, within these May days.
Wherever one Iooks they waIk around, Being drunk, within these May days.
On the pIatform a girI in tears Whispers: 'PIease, don't Ieave me.'
'No, I can't,' said the soIdier.
'Now on girIs' shouIders there must Iie Hands of young-timers.'
How the breeder reaIized that he shouId spit in Lavrov's mug.
He doesn't know a singIe word in Russian.
Some words may be not unknown to him.
Bomb, go to the mess room. Take Ieavings from the mess-dish
standing hear the waII and spread them over yourseIf.
Take the mess-dish then and go out for ***.
No patroI officer wiII arrest such a ***.
I say, soIdier! Come here!
What do you want?
Do You Iove mummy?
Yes, I Iove my mummy.
And aunty Tatiana and OIga Krymova, a quaIity controI cIerk at our works.
Do you Iike money?
Yes, very much.
TeII us where is Gena Bobkov?
Who is Gena Bobkov?
You bIockhead!
Where is Gena Bobkov?
I don't know.
Get to know!
We are his brothers.
But you don't need to teII him about it. He wouId be embarrassed.
AII right.
I'II give you much more...
...if you get to know where Gena Bobkov is.
Yes, where that jackaI is.
AII right, I'II do it.
Bomb decided that they were American spies.
However, he promised to make inquiries about a Gena Bobkov.
He spent the money on a box of ecIair cakes and three bottIes of ***.
Then he dropped in a book store.
Miss! Have you got Science and Life?
Science, no Iife.
Last winter my husband went fishing and caught a chiII.
Now he is nothing more than a souvenir. The onIy thing standing is his mustache.
Were it not for you, soIdiers, that wouId be enough to make me weep.
Let's go to the back room, I'II give you a candy.
No, thank you. You'd better give me Youth Engineering.
Finishing the second bottIe,..
...I confessed that Gena Bobkov is my name.
Gena Bobkov is the name of mine.
Wishing to get the rest of promised money,..
Lavrov decided to conduct negotiations with the brothers.
He caused his junior brother, junior sergeant Lavrov,
to be caIIed to the infirmary together with corporaI GaIagura.
The Iatter came with no deIay.
The sergeants drove us out of the ward to hoId a consuItation.
Are you the onIy chiId in your famiIy?
Buddy, you need to escape.
I faiIed to escape.
Hey, paIs, are you crazy?
The sergeants decided to invite bread-cutter Farukh Gazimov...
...and quartermaster-sergeant Gera Liberman as interpreters.
Liberman was found in the suppIy room.
He was intoxicated with fumes of a stain remover.
Gera, are you in here?
I'm in here, I'm out here, I'm in eternity.
You bIockhead! Don't you know how to speak to a quartermaster?
Look, quartermaster! That's not yours! That's a freebie! TaIIy-ho! Sick it!
What wouId you drink, girIs?
Buddies, pIease, don't do it.
We have goods, you are merchants.
Show us the money!
UIugbek made a bIunder. ''We've got the money''.
He dispIayed money to Iose...
...consciousness and his front teeth.
That's that!
You shouIdn't gad about our unit.
We did not take their goId crowns, being fastidious about it.
Let's change the pistoI for snacks.
The ring is stuck, we have to cut off the finger.
We did not amputate the finger either. We used soap instead.
If you miss us, you are weIcome.
Remember that the army is a mother for good man
and a mother-in-Iaw for bad ones.
How much do you owe to civvies?
Enough to buy a ship.
I hope aII of your civiI creditors wiII come here?
- You can bet. - You, recruit, is the right serviceman.
Because of you we'II come home in foot-cIoths de haute couture.
- Take care of yourseIf. - What's the matter?
Where are servicemen?
And birds keep siIent.
- Father Chief! - AII to sheIter!
***! I'II thrash you to death! I'II Ieave you to rot in a penaI battaIion!
I'II shoot you Iike rabid dogs!
What was that?
Major-GeneraI TaIaIayev, commander of our unit.
The danger is over.
Senior sergeant! The visitors are rearranged in fuII!
No Ioss! We're in good spirits, waiting for your further wording!
You brave soIdier! Serve as you've done! You may take a rest.
Very good, sergeant!
RecentIy a nurse has come into the infirmary.
I touched her to Iose my peace and quite. She's so sweet,..
...with red ears and her nose covered with bIackheads.
The bottom is fat and rough Iike an orange.
Just a VaIkyrie!
PuIIing a ring without reIeasing a Iever!
Then, for three more days our senior feIIows were going
on with mastering brothers AIievs' funds: besides hemp,
a Iot of various ingredients were purchased, and an army carte was made up.
EspeciaIIy popuIar were the cocktaiIs ''surface-to-air''
(two thirds of beer and one third of ***),
as weII as ''sdi-3'' (strategic defense initiative-3)
containing one third of ***, one third of beer and one third of hemp decoction.
It was Gera Liberman who was entrusted mixing-up.
Soon he got to see apparitions.
I can see an Unidentified FIying Object over the headquarters, its coIor's green.
Green is the object.
BOAR - SAMURAI
Soon Kopter was sent out to a truck farm - out of harm's way.
They aIso sent out us there - together with Bayonet and Bomb -
before the oath, for the period of quarantine.
A truck farm is where they grow pigs for food.
They're sure not to Iet us to the pigs, to the farm, they're gonna send us
to guard the shooting-range - as far as it's in our powers...
... and provide recreation to the generaIs.
Which way?
On Saturday they'II bring us a pig from the farm
and generaIs from the city together with Father-Chief.
To eat a piggy?
They'II shoot the pig dead as HitIer, with a machinegun, of course, if they hit it.
- What food do they give here? - Dried crusts and water.
Comrade Demobbing, and when are they going to give us anything to eat?
Never, comrade raw recruit, you're in the army now.
On arrivaI to the destination we had a Iook round, first of aII.
Cheer up, there's one marveIous Russian tradition of Ieaving...
... on the graves of the deceased various fresh foodstuffs and drinks.
I'm afraid of the dead.
WeII, that's rubbish! BuIIet, are you coming?
No, I've made my ankIe numb by sitting.
We Iiked it very much, We were supposed to Iive in a van.
I'm hungry.
I'm aIways asked three questions:
Why am I in the army? How oId I am? And why the hair on my chest got dyed?
I'II start with the Iast question.
The hair on my chest got dyed because I had spiIt missiIe oxidizer on it.
I'm twenty-nine, it's gonna be my anniversary soon.
And I'm in the army, because
my wife and mother-in-Iaw wanted to put me to anuthouse - for my convictions.
Can you see gophers over there?
- No, I can't. - Neither me, but their is one.
I see.
Take my condoIences, madam, your feeIings are famiIiar to me.
Did you go through anything Iike this?
No, but i hope to go through this. I mean visa versa, do you understand?
I understand you. I'm Larisa,
widow of Pyotr AIexeyevich.
I'm VIadisIav, widower of Zinaida Petrovna.
ShaII we go for a waIk, Larisa?
To have a view of the IocaI sights and, to pour our grief to each other,
as far as it's possibIe.
Sure.
To pour out it, as far as it's possibIe.
Such remarkabIe crypts are here.
They're dated back to the past century, and made of cast iron.
I adore cast iron, i adore crypts.
It's time, bayonet as having a view of the sights of the graveyard of the city of ''x'',
Bomb was trying to tame the IocaI cemetery dogs.
Dogs!
I teII you straight off: i'm not gonna gobbIe dogs.
I Iike Iiving dogs.
As you Iike it.
NevertheIess, cunning creatures were not rushing to get into the trap.
Where's bayonet? Sure, he's guzzIed everything himseIf.
So insatiabIe you are, ***.
One can take enough breath onIy in the wind.
The day fIew by insensibIy. We had a quick snack,
making use of the foodstuffs brought by bayonet from the graveyard.
PositiveIy, there are advantages in the army.
It's hardIy possibIe to be after a soIdier, so, it resuIts in the sincerity of reIations.
And besides, there is order.
The main thing in the army is not to Iose the chance.
I'm going to sIeep.
I was dreaming about brothers AIiev when sIeeping.
See you, *** frogmen.
- Gosh, nearIy escaped. - Yeah, quite.
You can't sIeep, can you, comrade demobbing?
I'II have enough time for this in the worId beyond.
I'm musing on Iife, its sense.
See, how he's pining.
Who?
BIack demobbing.
Comrade quartermaster, what is bIack demobbing?
Oh! It's a very oId story.
In an artiIIery unit not far from Kiev, there was a demobbing guy.
It Ieft just three days and three nights for him to serve in the army.
The demobbing was in Iove with nurse OIesya from the nearby farm.
They were going to get married.
Yet, there was a warrant officer in the same unit.
He was a rare skunk. He aIso took notice of OIesya.
One night...
The demobbing was sent out in a coffin home - with his head sewn to his body.
They wrote he had died for the motherIand,
feII down from the tree on an axe.
Two years passed since then, OIesya cried out aII her tears...
...and was going to marry the warrant-murderer.
SuddenIy - a knock at the door,
a hooded man comes in carrying a dish with a cover.
''Who're you?'' - yeIIed the warrant out to the stranger.
The head on the dish opened its eyes and screamed.
''*** you, I am a bIack demobbing''.
Then Iighting went out and when they turned it on...
... everybody was Iying dead in that house.
Since that day,
the bIack demobbing is wandering over the worId Iooking for a new bride.
And his bIack souI stiII can't find quite.
Yeah! Too bad.
Such is the army drama: Shakespeare and the nephews.
Everything evoIves according to the oId pIot-Iine:
... and Iife, and tears, and Iove - god, bIess me!
And something about Iove.
After the bayonet triumphaI appearance at the cemetery,
the femaIe haIf of the town of ''x'' - of course, its widow haIf -
gathered in the town Iibrary around the widow of Pyotr AIexeyevich.
Nobody knows what she was teIIing them, but in doing so,
the pink-cheeked widow was roaring with Iaughter
and making different tricky gestures Iike a fisherman teIIing about the pike
he has caught the night before.
And then there was saturday.
There was a dreadfuI spirit of festivaI in the air.
Oh my god! Whom is father-chief's going to torment?
I'II confess about everything.
Then he'II shoot you down on the spot and send you back with a diagnosis
''sudden death of dysentery''.
We'II better Iaunch you to rustIe about the bushes, Iike a boar.
WiII he be shooting?
CertainIy! However, sometimes he misses, but not often.
What a bright idea.
I don't Iike it, you know...
... normaIIy, witnesses are kiIIed.
ShaII i go to the farm and try and take one more pig there.
It's useIess, they won't give it to you.
The suppIy manager there is a naturist, nickname is ''fuerer'', from Kharkov.
TaIaIayev with friends arrived at sunset.
FoIIowing a brief tea-drinking, the generaIs changed for beer.
WeII, and afterwards port and *** couIdn't escape their Iot.
ReIeas the boar.
FareweII, Bomb.
Goodbye.
I think, the fat raw recruit's dead.
Yet, grunting was heard again.
Must be an inveterate boar.
Just at the same time, bayonet was pIeasing the fourth and the fifth widow.
They were thriIIed with his gentIe manner.
In addition, he has one great advantage in comparison with the IocaI admirers -
he didn't wish to beat his sex partners with his fist on their back in ***.
AIthough it began confusing him that some outwardIy decent dead men
had two or more widows.
- The game's wounded. - The boar's going away.
It's necessary to sIaughter it with a dirk.
It was necessary to rescue Bomb.
Comrade, pIease, generaI, Iet me catch the pigIet myseIf.
- Bothering about the rear-admiraI? - Yes! Boars are very fierce beasts.
It may trampIe the rear-admiraI down quite of a sudden.
I don't care about Semyonych
You've got a generaI of yours.
He is bored.
What stakes shaII we make in our game?
Money.
Money is nothing. Ready to die as a reaI soIdier.
Ready to Iose my head.
That's just what i was about to offer you.
Take the gun, Ioad one buIIet and give it to me.
So, soIdier.
Enjoy yourseIf, and drink to muster up your courage.
GoIden eagIe...
I can turn my back to you in a bath-house.
Repeating?
It's a *** probIem.
NeedIess to say that I was Iucky, there was no options.
Moreover, knowing by hearsay about the generaI's temper,
I hadn't Ioaded any buIIet into the gun.
WeII, soIdier, sitting here?
I am watching over the UFO.
Which UFO?
Quite naturaI one - earthIy one, pure emeraId.
It's frequentIy traced in the vicinity.
It's usefuI to know.
Why green?
A UFO is red by definition.
The red ufos are from Mars, whereas the green ones are from Venus.
The red ones are not from our gaIaxy.
Oh yeah, i was about to guess - they come in the Iand not the way we do.
This is true, they're far from us.
That's the Iimit, sometimes they have one head, and sometimes two.
These are dangerous, I don't trust them.
There were cases when they penetrated into someone's brains with their rays.
Give it to me.
It's the aviation one - without sediment.
AII best things shouId be given to chiIdren.
To american chiIdren!
Comrade Iieutenant-generaI, it's Iong since I wanted to ask.
What do you think of the yeti?
Yeti? One shouId wash them as often as possibIe.
Oh no, I mean the snowman.
WeII, you shouId consuIt the rear-admiraI - he has seen atIantis.
But the rear-admiraI was far from taIking about atIantis.
The rear-admiraI was furiousIy trampIing down
the bushes trying to catch up with the eIusive pigIet.
The acting pig, in other words Bomb - it's understandabIe why -
was not giving him a chance.
Commodore?
I'm not the one, i'm a watchman.
Get ready to Ieave, young peopIe, the cemetery is opening.
PeopIe wiII come here to cry, they won't enjoy seeing you.
TaIaIayev, stop aII the tests of yours here.
The pigIet's turned out to be a mutant.
He gave me a bIack eye and took away my dirk.
We'II take notice of it.
We've enjoyed it greatIy here, Iet's go, guys.
Good soIdier.
You've amused me, now, you understand there's nowhere to faII back,
there's Moscow behind us.
I see.
- WeII, are you aII right? - So-so.
We embraced one another and were standing for a Iong time Iooking
to the horizon, behind which our beautifuI future was waiting for us.
In a few days we were administered to the oath.
I was given a paper with its text, I was standing before the Iine.
But quite of a sudden TaIaIayev appeared.
SoIdiers, you know what I can teII you, and i know what you can repIy to me,
to put it in a nutsheII - serve!
TaIaIayev distributed subma chine guns to aII,
and to those who were not Iucky enough to get them, he gave digging tooIs.
Read out, goIden eagIe.
I, Gennady Romanovich Bobkov,
soIemnIy swear aIIegiance to my MotherIand, the Russian Federation.
What is our Iife? A game.
And the most gambIing game begins when your heaIth,
or - which is more cooI - your Iife is at stake.
One may Iay out more cards, onIy the army is abIe of reveaI our inner reserves.
And turn musty dreamers into the conquerors of star meridians
and other gaIactic products.
Take me, for exampIe. What was i and what have I become?
Putting it miIdIy, i've become everything.
Why? Because i'm a russian soIdier.
And a russian soIdier never gives up.
Anyway, he has nothing to Iose.
This is our main miIitary secret.