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I've loved Sam Horrigan since I was 13. I'm 16 now. He's an actor. You probably don't
know him. He pops up in sitcoms once in a while. He always plays some type of bully.
Hey, Betty Crockers.
But he's my favorite actor. He was in this movie, Brink. I watched it over and over and
over. I could spend up to a whole day thinking about him, but normally it's about four hours
or so. Every time I go to the internet, I look up things about him and go onto websites
to see what girls have to say about Sam.
I'm writing back to a few stupid girls that write about Sam. I wrote to this girl, and
she wrote, "When I was 14, I got really drunk at Sam Horrigan's apartment and made out with
him."
Oh wow.
And then I wrote, "That is the most stupidest lie I have heard since the lie about, the
world's going to end. And if it's true, I hope your tongue boils and burns into ashes.
I am Sam's numero uno fan, OK? Now if I have to go all the way where you live to cut your
head off for making such a big lie like that, I would."
Then some other girl wrote after me. And she wrote, "Dude, chill. No need to threaten anybody.
Sam is cool but no need to get all freaky."
My school halls are always crowded and loud. When I go up and down the stairs, I always bump
into someone I know and say hi and bye. When I arrived at my high school as a freshman,
a year and a half ago, I had no idea what was waiting for me there. I was going down
the stairs when someone was coming up, and I got such a surprise because that person
looked just like Sam. The eyebrows, white skin, black hair, same nose, eyes, lips, and
the same strong jaw. That was what scared me the most. I went, "Oh, my God." But it
wasn't Sam. It was just a regular student. It wasn't even a boy.
At the beginning, it just started with the feeling of how shocked I was that she looked
like Sam. I guess I was too shocked to think I liked her. Before I knew her name, I'd think
about her at home, calling her the Sam Girl. Later on, I found out her real name, but I'm
only going to use the nickname that I gave her, which is K-licious, like the gum, Bubblicious.
Now I have the letter K on my right thigh. I made it by rubbing my skin off with a toothpick.
My older sister Maria thought what I did was crazy. My sister's 23, like Sam. The three
most important people in my life are my sister, Sam, and God. My sister was the main witness
to my obsession.
Explain to me how I used to be obsessed with this girl.
Oh, my God. Everything would remind you of her. Even if it had nothing to do with her,
you would find something, and then say, "Oh, look. She wears this color. Or look, she was
wearing these boots." It's ridiculous, ha ha, your friend gave you a gum. She gave you
a gum that belonged to her, and you still have it. You have it there. And, "Oh, my God.
What's that smell? What was that smell? That was her perfume. I know it. I know. I'm going
to buy it. I'm going to buy it."
She was the first girl I had different feelings for. Like, strong love feelings. When I heard
any love song, especially "My Immortal" by Evanescence, I'd think about her. That song
makes me so sad. It reminds me of the things we could have done if we were together.
I'd just imagine the lights off, us in the bed, nose to nose, fingertips to fingertips,
not saying a word except some "I love you's," playing with each other's hair, breathing
each other's body scent. We're both happy.
I wanted to marry the darn girl. I wanted to live with her. I wanted to spend the rest
of my sorry life with her. I wanted to die with her. I wanted to be in heaven with her.
Until K-licious, the only crushes I had for women were women on TV. I came out to my parents
over her. My mom said she didn't care, that she still loved me. I only told my dad when
I was asking my family about my obsession. I was scared that'd he'd see me differently,
be disgusted or end the conversation. The day after I told him, we talked about it again.
Something that I told you, that was important. What was that?
Yes. That you used to like boys and girls.
Yeah, and now.
And now, too. And you asked me how I felt about it. And I said that it happens to a
lot of people.
And how do you feel, that I told you that? Do you feel different than last night?
I feel good, happy because you have trust in me, to tell your dad everything. And I
am happy with you.
It's easier to show your feelings to a boy, because that's how society is, for a guy and
a girl to be together. I mean, a guy can't freak out when a girl tells you she likes
you. I heard a rumor that some girl found out that I liked her and was going to curse
me out in front of the whole school. I assumed K-licious saw the desk that I wrote her name
on. I wrote that she was hot, and I thought she figured out about me crushing on her.
I was scared and talked to a school counselor, who arranged a meeting with the two of us.
I was so terrified, I thought I was going to pee in my pants.
She came in, and I asked her if she heard anything bad about me. She looked clueless,
and also beautiful. After a few seconds, she said, "No, but if I did, I wouldn't remember.
I don't believe in 'he-said, she-said' rumors." Then I said, "Good, but if you hear anything
bad about me, it's not true."
When I talked to her, my heart beat fast, like, boom-boom, boom-boom, boom-boom. The
obsession was like a second person. It felt like I was responsible for two people, my
regular self and my obsessive self. In my house, I was unhappy most of the time. The
depression was a new feeling. I was sad for myself that I felt this way over a girl who
didn't even notice me. I would pray to God almost every night, telling him to send me
a sign, that if I wasn't going to get with her, to make me stop liking her, but if I
was, to let me keep going. My sister was getting annoyed.
After I figured out that y'all were never going to get together, and this was going
nowhere, I just wanted you to shut up about her, and to move on and leave her alone, because
you guys were never going to be together.
I started losing concentration in school, even though K-licious and I had no classes
together. My report cards were disgusting. The feelings were so strong, they started
to hurt. I used to cry in the bathroom because it was the only door with a lock.
I remember those mean days.
I wrote poems and haikus to clear out my mind.
I feel like I'm trapped. Trapped as the walls surround me. I want to get out.
Maria told me, "Don't tell me anything if you don't got her number or have not done
anything with her." So what I used to do was, while I was in school, I used to think of
a good lie to tell my sister, so that she could be interested in my talking about K-licious,
because I had no one else to express myself to.
Almost every day, I would come home with a story. I felt scared to tell Maria about the
lies, because she might lose trust in me. I decided to confess.
Do you remember when I used to come from school and I used to tell you stuff, like what happened
to me today?
Yeah.
Can you tell me one of the stories that you remember?
"Oh, today, guess what happened to me? I don't have my ID."
I told Maria that K-licious stole my high school ID.
"And she said, oh, if you want it back, you'd better come to school, because you never come
to school, so I can't wait to go back tomorrow. She's going to give me back my ID. Oh, my
God, she's holding it. She put it in her back butt pocket. Oh, my God. When she gives it
back to me, it's going to be from her pocket. Oh, my God."
We're the stupidest sisters in the world.
Are you in a good mood?
Why?
I just want to know.
I'm always in a good mood.
I need to tell you something.
What you did?
Something I need to confess to you.
You have another story.
No. Like half of them that I said--
--were fake.
How you came up with that?
I don't know.
Yeah.
Why?
Because you started saying, "I don't want to hear if it's nothing good." So that's why.
I had nobody else to express myself to. So I used to lie, if I could talk to you.
You're an idiot. Oh, that's sick, girl.
I know.
Why would you do something like that? I'm not mad, but I'm just saying, that's so weird.
Why you did that? You didn't have to.
I was surprised Maria didn't think it was such a big deal. I think why she didn't get
mad with my confession was because she probably thought it was more stupid.
Every time we had a school break, I'd think about how to slow down my obsession. Winter
break was so depressing because I didn't see her, but then I started thinking about her
less. But when I got back to school, it all fell on top of me again. Finally, the summer
came, and there was a rumor that she might move, so I might never see her again. I decided
to end the obsession.
I felt like an old lady whose husband just died after 50 years together. I tried not
thinking about her, and I punished myself a little by not giving myself pleasure, like
listening to songs and reading things that would remind me of her. Sam helped me a lot,
too. I would watch Sam all the time. I kept watching the episode of the sitcom, Still
Standing, that Sam starred in.
"Because he's a butler, dude. He does anything we tell him to. He's our designated driver,
he goes on burger runs, he does our homework."
Babysits my son.
Wow, buddy.
Even though K-licious looks like him, it was a whole different kind of love than what I
had for Sam. Plus, it started with her because I know I'm not going to get with Sam. I miss
K-licious, but by the end of the summer, my obsession was leaving.
On the bus on the first day back, I was nervous that if she was there, I might fall in love
with her again. When I got to school, I saw her, but I didn't react like I thought I would.
I have classes with her now, unlike before when I just wished I did.
I'd get uptight for the first 10 minutes, but then I'd just relax and forget that she's
in the class. If that was me last year, I don't know what I would do. I know I wouldn't
be relaxed.
Maria asked me if I was completely over K-licious. I stood speechless for a while. I wanted to
say that the obsession was gone, but decided to answer as honest as I could, because I
didn't want Maria to doubt what I was saying. I have to admit that I am 99% over her. But
there's 1% that I still, I don't know.
It's scary, because I don't want to think about her, but sometimes I just do. I still
like K-licious, but not so, so in love. I have a piece of love in my heart, that my
heart won't let me erase. Until I have a real relationship, maybe I'm not going to be completely
over her.