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Narrator: "Dark Souls had a story," you ask?
Indeed! Perhaps if your vision was not obfuscated by myriad deaths...
...you might see more clearly!
Fret not, my crestfallen children...
...for I shall reveal this to you!"
Dragon 1: "Bein' a dragon is... amazing!"
Dragon 2: "Amazing! Amaaaazzziiinnggg!"
Dragon 1: "Rulin' over our endless gray landscape of gray water and gray trees...
Dragon 1: "We even got this skull!"
Dragon 1: "The hell if I know where it came from."
Dragon 1: "This really is... the high life."
Dragon 3: "Except for Seath!
Dragon 1: "Aww, Seath! What's the matter, Seath?"
Dragon 1: "Still mad 'cause you're gonna die one day, 'cause you ain't got no scales?"
Dragon 2: "*** ain't got no legs."
Dragon 1: "Ain't even got legs!"
Dragon 2: "I even got this crystal *** that makes us Double Immortal, for some reason."
Dragon 2: "We don't even need it!"
Dragon 1: "Don't. Even. Need it!"
Dragon 3: "How's it feeeeeeel, Seath?"
Dragon 3: "...To be a ~***~?"
Lord Gwyn: "So you three found one, too?"
Lord Gwyn: "It's made me smarter! Stronger! More - "
Seath: "Lightning!"
Dragon 3: "Oh no! Lightning! Our one weakness!"
Dragon 1: "1.05 patch, save us!"
Dragon 2: "Argh! I've got miasma up my ***!"
Lord Gwyn: "Seath, you betrayed SO good, here a castle."
Lord Gwyn: "Also, you a Duke."
Seath: "Excellent. Gonna go research some ***. Maybe go crazy."
Lord Gwyn: "A'ight."
Witch of Izalith: "***! The fire's dyin' out!"
Witch of Izalith: "Hey, I've got a crazy idea!"
Lord Gwyn: "...Go on..."
Witch of Izalith: "We got these Souls from the First Flame, right?"
Witch of Izalith: "I'll use MY soul to make another Fire!"
Lord Gwyn: "I don't think that's - !"
Bed of Chaos: "Look at all my cute demon babies!"
Lord Gwyn: "God damn it."
Lord Gwyn: "You stay here. We'll take care of this!"
Lord Gwyn: "Charge!"
Lord Gwyn: "Oh god! Retreat! Retreat!"
Lord Gwyn: "Ugh. *** it!"
Lord Gwyn: "I'll just light myself on fire!"
Solaire: "Daaaaad..."
Nerd 1: "Hey! That is NOT canon!"
Nerd 2: "Shut uppp! It's fan canon!"
Solaire: "I... kind of... lost the Annals of History."
Lord Gwyn: "Well, son, I'm disappointed...
Lord Gwyn: "...but I still love you despite - "
Solaire: "Anddd..."
Solaire: "...your Van Halen mix tape."
Lord Gwyn: "Get OUTTTTT."
Lord Gwyn: "Gwyndolin, take care of Anor Londo while Daddy is consumed by the First Flame!"
Gwyndolin: "I'm actually a boy!"
Lord Gwyn: "Not NOW, SWEETIE."
Havel: "Sir, what about Seath?"
Lord Gwyn: "What about him?"
[ Perverse Noises ]
[ Van Halen - Why Can't This Be Love? ]
[ Perverse Noises Intensify ]
[ Vials Clicking, Magical *** ]
[ Priscilla Cooing ]
Havel: "We can't get the stains out, either."
Lord Gwyn: "You will never speak of this to anyone."
[ Prison Cell Closes ]
Lord Gwyn: "Sunlight 4 Life!"
[ Horrible Screaming ]
Frampt: "This *** is ***!"
Frampt: "I'll go find some more dudes to set on fire."
Kaathe: "That's dumb. You're dumb!"
Kaathe: "I'll go get this Dark Party started right!"
[ Peaceful Nature Sounds ]
Kaathe: "You know what you guys need?"
Kaathe: "To feed off the humanity of Manus's corpse - the Primeval Man!"
[ Chaotic Slaughter Noises ]
[ Peaceful Nature Sounds ]
Kaathe: "You know what you guys need?"
Kaathe: "To feed off the humanity of other humans!"
[ Chaotic Slaughter Noises ]
Kaathe: "Oh, Knight Artorias! How's Ciaran doing?"
Artorias: "Still hot."
Artorias: "Check out this puppy."
[ Puppy Sif Barks ]
Kaathe: "Amazing!"
Artorias: "Hey, so..."
Artorias: "Abyss is kind of running wild."
Artorias: "Wouldn't know anything about that, would y - "
Kaathe: "NO. WHY!?"
Artorias: "Let's make a suspicious covenant, so I can get all up in the Abyss' ***!"
Kaathe: "There's nothing about that sentence I don't love."
Kaathe: "Now! Back to being ambiguously evil..."
Artorias: "Yyyyup. Looks like there's a clog further up the pipe, near Oolacile."
Artorias: "If I don't call back by Thursday..."
Artorias: "...just go ahead and do what need'st be done."
Artorias: "...Thou'st!"
Ingward: "Oh yes! Of course, of course!"
Ingward: "Finally, he's gone..."
Ingward: "New Londo Waterpark opens today!"
[ Torrent of Water Washes Clean the Sins of Man ]
Artorias: "Bad news, Puppy Sif!"
Artorias: "My arm's broke as hell for... some reason."
Humanity: "You came to the wrong neighborhood, ***!"
Artorias: "HEY!"
Artorias: "That is RACIST!"
Humanity: "I'm sorry..."
Artorias: "Take my weird *** shield, Puppy Sif!"
Artorias: "It'll protect you from... urban violence!"
[ Puppy Sif Barking Continues, Unabated by Urban Violence ]
Artorias: "Wish me luck!"
Artorias: "I'm off to fill Manus' man cavern with my estus flask!"
[ Fog Gate Noise ]
Artorias: "All right, Manus! It's time to - "
[ Grabbing ]
Artorias: "Oh! Oh no, oh god!"
Artorias: "He's putting his Abyss in my Catacombs!"
Generic *** 1: "Ugh. These undead are becoming tiresome."
Generic *** 2: "Maybe we can find a solution in Lordran?"
Generic *** 1: "Just send them all to that decaying Asylum, in the meantime."
Undead Warrior: "We're not all bad!"
Undead Warrior: "As long as we stay motivated for life, we can keep our humanity!
Peon: "Sir, the latest patch maladapted your stat alignment!"
[ Hollowing ]
Peon: "Ahh! So easily!"
[ Pooting Noises ]
[ Let the Body Hit the Floor ]
Player: "Ah, dead body!"
Oscar: "Psst!"
Oscar: "I'm letting all the undead out of their cells, to fulfill an ancient prophecy."
Oscar: "There's a key on that corpse."
Player: "Why did you just throw me the key, ***?"
Player: "Eugh."
Oscar: "Perhaps you should find your own answers."
[ BOSS BATTLE ]
Oscar: "DEMON ON THE ROOF!"
[ DEMON HAMMER ]
Narrator: "All of history has led up to this moment!"
Narrator: "Will you rekindle the Age of Fire, and bring prosperity to the world for another thousand years?"
Narrator: "Or fulfill your ancestor's wish, and become the Lord of the Dark Soul?
[ BUHHHHHH ]
Eli: "I can't wait for the sequel."
Eli: "Thank you for watching the cartoon. I nearly died making it."
Eli: "Again."
Eli: "Feel free to explore the body of my horrifying Youtube work, while I prepare for my inevitable death by stroke."
Eli: "Praise the sun!"