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♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
Alright I'm gonna go pick up these print outs...
...I got fives on the computer.
Hey, you can't call fives!
Time is money Hobbit...
...and you don't have either.
Hey. HEY! I am soooo much taller than a Hobbit!
ANNOUNCER: In the city that never sleeps...
Hank and Alex are looking for a place...to sleep.
They made a bet to live rent free...
but what they didn't know...is what it would cost them!
Three rules:
1. No paying for housing...
2. No staying with friends...
3. And you can't leave Manhattan
Two wiseguys...
One stupid solution to a housing problem.
Squatters.
♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
Hey dude, guess what!
[clap]
Awwww, you don't mean that.
It's like your entrance music now.
Check it out!
Not now-
Ta-daaaa! I call it "The *** Bag."
So now you're merchandising.
Dude, this duffle has everything I need.
What? What happened to the rest of your stuff?
Sold some of it...
This whisk was made on the side of a mountain...
just outside Bejing. It was hand-crafted...
out of the igneous rock that forms that very mountain!
I'll sell it to ya for $10.
Um, they sell that at Ikea.
Do you have any change?
Erin, how could you? Ooooo is that Marky Mark's greatest hits?
It has to be!
Here's a 20 for both of us...
my number's on the back.
The rest I put in storage.
Oh, you mean like a RENTED storage space?
Yeah.
You're not sleeping there are you?
Ha, you wish.
Hey, naps count.
NAPS DO NOT COUNT!
Dude, I can't schlep all my junk everywhere...
total deal breaker for the ladies.
Hey, do you still have that George Foreman Grill?
Nah. Oh, yessssss? Yes I do.
Are you sure? You don't seem sure.
I was confusing it with this girl I sold the waffle maker to.
She had her hands on a FEW of my appliances...
if you know what I mean.
I wish I didn't.
If you KNOW what I MEAN.
No, I still go it.
You see, cause her hand was down on my-
SOOOO you really keep everything in that bag?
Just the necessities. Condoms, toothpaste, deodorant...
two pairs of jeans, condoms, t-shirts and...
my retainer.
How do you shave?
♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
Wow! Look, I gotta get back to work.
Ha! You don't work!
I'm serious! They've paired me with like the Clark Kent
of graph making. We have to share the cubicle.
Home field advantage!
That's exactly what I said, but it's like he's-
Faster than a speeding bullet?
No.
More powerful than a locomotive?
This is serious! The guy I swear doesn't eat or...
take bathroom breaks. He's doing stuff with power point...
that NASA hasn't even come up with.
It's like Gladiators for Geeks.
If I don't out-perform him by the end of the day...
I'm going to lose my job!
Ooooo, maybe they'll feed you to a lion.
(O.S.) What's this Alex?
THIS IS SPARTA!
I'm Robert. I work here.
I'm Hank. I don't.
Alright, this cubicle isn't big enough for the two of us.
Hey! You, me and baby makes three!
Oh, bet you think you're going to win this cubicle back.
We're not the kinda guys you want to bet.
♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
[fart noise]
Duck...duck...***!
[laughter]
Love it! Hey, nice work there Hank. Loooove it...
Alex, you got those bar graphs for me?...
...Hard and firm, I hope!
Yeah, you'll have them before lunch.
Alright. Robbie, what about that thing we talk about?
Your taxes have been filed...
2 seats, center court for Friday's game...
Oh, and here's that old power point presentation...
...you asked me about. Almost forgot. [laughter]
(Alex, have you ever noticed you never see Robert...)
(...and Superman in the same place at the same time?)
[laughter]
Alright, Hank. I wanna see those *** on my desk by noon!
Already in your inbox.
Keep. It. UP!
Are you looking at ***?
It's craigslist.
I thought you were job hunting.
I got distracted. Alex...
These are the personal ads. Women seeking men...
It's like a database of all the girls who DON'T want to...
...have sex, but want a full time guy.
I am not comfortable with this.
So you're more comfortable with THIS?
So you think they're going to GIVE you sex-free housing?
You can find anything on craigslist.
Including syphilis.
Too late for that.
What?
Seriously? You've been breathing on me for an hour!
Dude, I can't do one night stands when I'm on the meds.
YOU'RE ON MEDS?!?!
Look, Drunk Girl Julie's got me covered on the weekends...
...but I need some weekday wenches.
Oh, you mean like FRIENDS.
What is wrong with you people?
No! Wouldn't you pay off Captain America here...
...if you could sleep in the cubicle tonight?
Hey! Not so loud!
I'm just saying...you gotta ease up on the rules.
What the hell is going on here?
Okay, look, uh...THIS isn't really working out.
I got an idea. Do you have a laptop?
Uh, yeah.
I will give you $50 right now if you sneak out...
and work from home. We'll both get more work done-
AND you make more money without putting on pants.
What if I don't want to?
[cough]
Okay. You have a deal.
Just leave you name tag here...
I'll clock you in and out every day.
I'm not so sure man. I really can't lose this job.
Listen ***.
MY NAME IS ROBERT!
What did I say?
***!
You have a girlfriend?
YES!
You camp out here, you're never going to have sex again.
(EXCEPT WITH ME!)
Alright, can I get today's up front?
Sure, totally man. I got two twenties on me.
That's not what we agreed on.
He keeps a six pack in the fridge.
Deal.
You really think no one's gonna notice me sneaking out?
I'll cover you.
Alright. Cover me!
Did you really have to give him my beer?
Dude, it beats the other guy stealing it!
♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
Hey...Sam?
Hey! You must be Hank...
I'm just going to grab my jacket and then we can go out.
Actually, uh...I was thinking...we could eat here.
What?
Uh, well...I know you're "ex never did anything...
...romantic like cook or listen to you," but you know...
a special, beautiful girl like you deserves a...
home cooked meal.
Wow, it's so rare that guy actually listens...
...and understands me.
Yeah, well, I know that you're just "wanting a guy that...
"...can take things slow, be friends first and, you know..."
"...do more around the house."
Wow, I just didn't think guys like you existed.
We dont! [laughter]
Where's you're kitchen?
Well, it's right over here and...you brought groceries?!?!
Look, I'm gonna be honest. I haven't been in the kitchen...
...in a while. But I'm up for the challenge.
Awww, well I want to see that.
Look, I'll make you a deal...
You like what I cook up...
...we do some cuddling for dessert.
OH! You like to cuddle!!!!
♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
(O.S.) You know we don't pay overtime anymore...
...right, Alex?
Yessir! I just get more done at night.
Yeah, well Sam can be a little much.
Yeah, he really takes *** harassment...
...to a whole new level.
Mmmm, it's a cheap way to weed out the secretary staff.
That can't be legal.
Speaking of which, where's your partner?...
...I don't see him working into the weekend.
You know...to be honest...
...I haven't seen him for a few days.
He hasn't been here?
Nope! Weirdest thing...
...even left his I.D. badge and everything.
Well, looks like that problem took care of itself...
Good work Alex! Guess you can make yourself at home.
Oh, I will.
♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
Oh sh*t, the directors there [laughter]
You mean like a rented storage space?
Ha! You wish!
Um, kinda sorta cut me off.
Oh... [laughter]
Hold on...you WISH it was rented!
Pfff! They GAVE it to me a**hole. [laughter]
Keep it UP!
Oooo!
Ah!
Ow!
Ugh!
Mmm..
Keep it up! Don't look at me. [laughter]
Bet you think you're going to win your cubicle back, huh?
We're not the kinda guys...you wanna SLEEP with.
I'll be the judge of that.
Cut! [laughter]
You're awesome man! Woo..Mmm..
...Pound it...explode it...bring it back in...
...bring it back out...[laughter]...
We'll get it. We'll get it later.
Toad Hop.
Toad.
Hop.