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Got something. I've got something! Ha! Come to Papa Moon. That's it, come on.
Hi there. Who are you?
I'm Old Gregg. Pleased to meet you. What do you want?
Maybe I should ask you the same question. What you doing in my waters?
Just taking the air, you know. Not fishing! Then how come this hook's in my head, fool?
It's nothing to do with me, sir. It's attached to your rod, motherlicker!
Don't kill me, I've got so much to give. Old Gregg: Easy now, fuzzy little man-peach,
hmm? You ever drunk Bailey's from a shoe? What?
Wanna come to a club where people wee on each other?
No? I'm gonna hurt you.
Excuse me? I like you. What do you think of me?
I don't rightly know, sir. Make an assessment.
I think you're a nice, modern gentleman. Don't lie to me, boy!
I'm not lying! I know what you're thinking. Here comes Old
Gregg, he's a scaly man-fish. You don't know me. You don't know what I got. I got something
to show you. (bright light shines) You know what that is? That's Old Gregg's ***. I've
got a mangina! I'M OLD GREEEEEEEEGG! What's happening?
I'm Old Gregg. What?
I'm Old Gregg! Where am I?
Gregg's place. You've been asleep. Do you want a little drinky? I'll get you a drink.
You like Bailey's? Mmmm... creamy. Soft, creamy beige.
Mmmm... delicious. Do you like Old Gregg's place? I've got all
things that are good. You've done some nice things with it.
I've got this. This is good. That's nice.
You can have it. I'm fine, thanks.
I'll keep it here for you. Well, is this the way ... out? Uhm, I better
be scootin'. Got meetings and a friend of mine is waiting, so perhaps I should be...
Why are you going? We got everything we need here. We got Bailey's... creamy. And everything
we need. I'll get you another Bailey's. I'm fine, thanks.
I do watercolors. Do you?
Let me show you something. I call that one Old Gregg. And then that one I call Old Gregg.
And this one, you know what I call that one? Old Gregg?
Yes sir, thank you sir. I got some more. I got these too. That one's Bailey's. That one's
Bailey's a bit bigger. And that one's as close as you can get to Bailey's without your eyes
getting wet. Mmm, that is quite a portfolio you've got
going on there. But I really should be heading off, so it's been good.
We could do some watercolors together. You and I.
Well, that sounds like great fun. Let's do it in the week then Gregg.
What do you mean? Well, you free Thursday at all?
Why can't we do it now? Well, you know, I'm a busy man, Gregg. You
know, I got things to do. Howard Moon, man about town.
Do you love me? Oh dear.
Do you love me? Umm, gonna have to pretend I didn't hear that,
Gregg. You think you could ever love me?
Uh, it doesn't really work like that, Gregg. How does it work? Tell me how it works.
Well, you get to know someone, you hang out, you see where that goes. This, that, the other,
eventually... you know. I don't know you! You know me, hmm? What about the boat times?
That wasn't really a time, was it, Gregg? That was more of just a... an exposure.
That was our first date, hmm? You pulled me up with your strong arms!
Oh dear, look, Gregg, I don't know you! Oh, you know me. You've seen my downstairs
mix-up. Yeah, I didn't ask to see that, did I?
What did it mean to you to see that? Did it mean you love me?
No, It didn't. Could you learn to love me?
No, I couldn't. I don't love you! You do love me.
No, I don't! You do love me.
No, I don't. You love me and you've seen me and you know
me. I'm Old Gregg! Yeah, I know you are. You've told me 89 times
now. You must love me exactly as I love you.
Well, I don't love you and to be honest you're starting to get on my nerves a bit now. If
anything I find you slightly pathetic, so deal with that!
Maybe I will deal with it. Hmm? Maybe I'll deal with it the way I dealt with Curly Jefferson!
You know what Gregg? Maybe I was being a bit hasty there, uh, when I said I didn't love
you. Perhaps now in this light with you in the tu-tu and the water playing off your...
seaweed. Maybe I could love you. Maybe I was lying because when you do love someone sometimes
you say you don't because you're playing hard to get, playing a game.
Games? Yeah, I was just playing a game with you.
Love games? That's right, love games, Gregg.
Love games? Do you love me?
Are you playing your love games with me? I just want to know what to do, 'cause I need
your love a lot, oh come on now. Do you love me?
Are you playing your love games with me? I just want to know what to do, 'cause I need
your love a lot, oh come on now. Moving too fast, this isn't a race.
Mmmmm baby, back off, and lower the pace now. Slow it down and give me some space, mmmmm.
Moving too fast, this isn't a race. Do you love me?
Are you playing your love games with me? I just want to know what to do, 'cause I need
your love a lot, oh come on now. Moving too fast, this isn't a race.
Mmmm baby, back off, and lower the pace now. Slow it down and give me some space, mmmmm.
Moving too fast, this isn't a race. I'm Old Gregg!
I know, I think you saaaaid. Come on, don't make me beg now.
Cause I'm not your regular guy! Don't be shy! Do you love me?
Well you put on a nice spread, Gregg. I did home economics.
Really... I got an A+. I did a crumble. The teacher
said mine was the best one. Well I'm very pleased for you.
You don't look happy Howard. You're picking up on that, are you?
I could make you happy Howard. If only you'd let me.
Oh, not another watercolor. You're a musician, yeah?
Yes I am. Butchya ain't very good, are ya?
I'm one of the best in town. Come on, I read your reviews. Hmm? You know
what your problem is? What?
Ya ain't got the funk. You're all rigid. Hmm? You're like a breadstick. You got no rhythm.
Yeah, well I've heard all this sort of stuff before thank you.
Well maybe I could help you. I got the funk. Yeah I know, you're very funky Gregg.
No, no. You don't understand. I mean, I got the funk, right here. It's in this box.
You see, the funk is a living creature. It's about the size of a medicine ball, but covered
in teats. Came from another planet. Landed on Bootsy Collins' house. Back then Bootsy
was just a simple farmer, but he took one look at all those moldy *** and lost his
mind. He began to milk the funk. Made himself a funk shake. He began to feel fizzy inside.
He found he could see around corners. Suddenly, he passed out. But when he came to, baby,
he was slappin' a bass guitar fast and loose like some sort of delirious funky priest.
Two months later, he was world famous with his band Parliament, and everybody wanted
a piece of the funk. Rick Wakeman, even the Bee Gees. One day, Parliament were traveling
on the mothership, foolin' around with the funk, when George Clinton, kicked the funk
clean overboard. And that was July the 2nd, 1979, "the day the funk died"... Two weeks
later, I found the funk, in bed with a conga eel. At first I thought it was a sea anenome,
but under closer inspection I realized it was a funky ball of *** from outer space.
I offered to take him back to Parliament, but he said he was done with dat ***, and
that they never listened to him anyway, and were only interested in his funky bra juice.
So I let him live down here with me in this cave.
That was a nice story Gregg. What's it got to do with making me happy, exactly?
I've got a proposition for ya. Hmm? We could take the funk, make ourselves some tasty shakes,
travel the world, in a band. We'd become famous. We'd be the Family Funk.
What? And we can get out on dry land and get out of this place?
Yes sir. Well let's do it, let's move. Come on!
Okay. Let's do it!
Just one condition. What?
That you take my sweet hand in marriage. Oh god...
Think about it Howard. Funky freedom for marriage. You get what you want, Old Gregg get's what
he wants. Hmm? A strong man to hold me at night when it's raining outside.
And we can get out of this cave forever? You bet your life. Do you accept?
I do. Great. You've made me very happy. Old Gregg's
gonna pick himself out a nice wedding dress. That's right. Crack open a fresh Bailey's.
I'm Old Gregg!