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Kids, in the spring of 2007, everything
was great between me and Robin.
So we decided to try
and make it even better.
We decided to move in together.
So, I can have the moving
truck here by 8:00 am.
Does that sound
good to everybody?
By the way,
what are you guys doing with Ted's room?
Cause if you need help with the rent,
I'll take it.
Why would you want
to live with us?
I don't call what
you guys do "living."
Here's the deal,
I need a room closer to the bar.
It takes me exactly 23 minutes
to get a girl from the
bar back to my apartment.
A lot can go wrong
in 23 minutes.
This is going to be so hot.
She's paying.
I swear, if he
doesn't call me back
I'm going to go
through with this.
Please hurry, sir.
I want to do dirty
stuff with you.
Stuff I won't let him do.
Every red light run
is an extra $20.
Baby?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
It was all my fault.
I am so drunk.
When I'm this drunk,
I go crazy!
I bet you do.
Check this out.
What up NYPD?
So close.
See? If I had a room here all I
have to do is get them upstairs.
Come on, guys. It'll be great!
We'll come in after
you guys are asleep
and I'll be gone
before you wake up.
So, you get to have sex and we get to
wake some skanky girl up in the morning
and kick her out?
God, Lily.
Some guy just told her that he loved
her then pretended to go to the bathroom
and never came back
you can't make her a cup of coffee?
Real nice.
..: Transcript: Raceman ::..
..: Subtitles: Veitsdance :..
..: HIMYM - S02E18 - Moving Day :..
I put all your heavy jackets
in this box marked "winter."
And all your colorful sweaters
in this box marked "Bill Cosby."
Make fun,
but America loved that guy for a reason.
Wow!
Almost done.
Not so fast.
Take your sword.
Wow.
- End of an era.
- Yeah.
It's a bummer to break up the set,
but you're going to need that sword.
It's true--
my building is infested with dragons.
Looks like our little boy
is finally moving out.
It seems like just yesterday
he was a cute little freshmen.
Discovering Reggae
and ultimate Frisbee.
He did it later than the other
kids but we never pushed him.
We knew he'd get there.
You haven't moved in yet,
have you?
Good. You guys have
to take this quiz.
I found it in a magazine.
It's called the "Are you ready
to move in together?" quiz.
Well, if it's anything like you're
"Are you wearing ***" quiz,
I'm out.
Question one,
Ted, "Do you want to
move in with Robin?"
Mm. Yes.
Oh, you got the
first one wrong.
The answer is "no," you
secretly want to be single
and hang out with your
awesome friend Barney."
Question two.
Robin, "Do you think you can
score a hotter guy than Ted?"
Correct. The answer
was awkward silence.
Question three, "Did I just make
up this quiz to prove a point?"
Yes.
Yes, I did.
Really? You mean it's not from
Old Yellow Legal Pad Magazine?
So? We all agree?
We move Ted's
stuff back up here?
Mm... no.
We're still moving in together.
Why? This is crazy.
Ted you're throwing your life away.
This girl is blinding you.
With her shiny hair and
her boobed shaped ***.
This is bad for you,
too, you know.
How are you going to feel when
he sees you without any makeup?
I'm not wearing
makeup right now.
Holy crap, you're beautiful.
All right then, how will you feel when
you can't sneak the occasional cigarette?
Oh, come on, Robin doesn't smoke.
Wait, do you?
Of course not. Why?
Don't tell me how
to live my life!
Ted, I can't let you do this.
Come on. This is happening.
So instead of fighting it why,
why don't you just help?
- You want me to help you?
- Yeah.
Okay, Ted.
I'll help you.
Can't believe we actually
got him to take a box down.
Maybe he's finally
getting on board.
Where's the truck?
Where's Barney?
Wait for it.
I can't believe this! Everything
I own in the world is in there.
Except for this
box of pot lids.
And the sword.
I'm going to kill him.
I swear to God I'm going to kill him!
Right. Maybe I'll just hold on to that.
For now.
Marshall, we live alone.
This is so great!
We can finally do all the things we always
said we wanted to do if we lived alone.
Oh, I know what I
want to start with.
So, here we are, right?
Sitting around the
apartment naked.
- Awesome.
- Yep.
It's not as awesome as
I thought it would be.
- My butt itches.
- I'm cold.
I noticed.
Yeah, like you're
one to talk, Pointy.
Barney, I don't know if you
got my other 47 messages,
but if my stuff isn't here within
the hour I'm calling the cops.
This is the last time
I'm calling you.
Because my charger's in
the back of the truck.
Don't worry, it's Barney.
He'll bring the stuff back.
No, it's just... I was really looking
forward to settling in, you know?
Maybe setting up my TV.
Watching a movie in bed.
What?
Do we really want a
TV in the bedroom?
I thought we did.
I'm not sure that we do.
Well, where else
would we put my TV?
We could just put it in our
storage unit in the basement.
But wouldn't we miss my TV?
- Would we?
- Yes, we would.
We've had that TV
for a long time
and we would feel more at home
if it were setup in our bedroom.
- We need wine, don't we?
- Yes, we do.
Should we, um,
move this to the bedroom?
Why?
Ted doesn't live here anymore.
We can do it wherever we want.
You know what else?
We don't have to
be quiet anymore.
We can be as loud as we want.
Okay, I think we need to
lay down some ground rules.
Just because we can be loud
doesn't mean we have to be loud.
And although it
might turn you on,
you screaming, "I'm the best,"
doesn't do much for me.
Well, it's a lot better than yelling,
"Ted's not here," over and over again.
Well, at least what
I said is true.
Well, that was unnecessary.
Well, since I only have one box I
figure I might as well unpack it.
Mm, where do you think
we should put it?
Well, unless you have a separate pot
lid room, I was thinking the cupboard.
What?
Uh, the thing is my
kitchen is kind of small.
And, um,
I already have a bunch of pot lids
and mine come with pots, so...
You're saying there's no way to make
room for the single box of stuff
I try to move into our place?
Well, why don't you just
take it down to the...
Do not say storage space.
I was going to say dumpster.
Damn it, Robin,
this is all I have left in the world--
eight pot lids and a sword.
Yeah, about the sword.
Hello.
Put on the suit, Mr. Mosby.
Barney, I know it's you.
Where's my stuff?
It's not me.
If you want to see your
precious possessions again,
put on the suit.
What suit?
Ding-***. Oh, what's that?
The doorbell.
That's the suit
I'm talking about.
I haven't gotten
to the door yet.
Oh, okay,
let me know when you get there.
Okay, I opened it.
And there's a suit there.
That's the suit
I'm talking about.
- Barney ....
- This isn't Barney.
But I hear that guy's awesome.
All right.
Listen very carefully.
You will get your stuff back if you are
able to complete a series of challenges.
Number one, put on the suit.
Number two,
meet me at McClaren's in an hour.
How will I know who to look
for since we've never met?
I look like Barney.
Oh, Hey, Ted.
Suit and sneakers.
A little Ellen DeGeneres
but you pull it off.
I don't have any other shoes
because you stole them along
with everything else
I own in the world.
Where's the truck, Barney?
Barney.
People's whose trucks I'm not
holding for ransom call me Barney.
I think you should
call me The Commodore.
- I'm not calling you...
- You're not getting your stuff back.
Can I please have
my stuff back...
The Commodore?
No.
Here's the deal,
Ted, you're my bro.
And you're about to become a henpecked,
beaten down, shell of a man.
So tonight, we are going to have one
last awesome night together as bros.
It's a bro-ing away party.
A special bro-casion.
A bro-choice rally.
Bro-time at the Apollo.
Oh, bro me.
Well, so what do I have to do?
No, it's not what you have to do,
it's what you want to do,
and you want to
have a good time
before you go take Fun Ted
out back and shoot him.
So... first thing
on the docket...
- get me that girl's number.
- Absolutely not.
Mm. That's too bad.
Hey, hypothetical question:
if I was all your stuff,
would I rather be at the bottom
of the East River or The Hudson?
Hey, look,
world's strongest man is on.
Ooh, it's the one where
Lou Ferrigno pulls the bus
from the Partridge
family with his teeth.
It's the best one.
Hey, Ted, get in...
- We live alone.
- Yay.
Well, I win.
You need to give my
friend your phone number.
Wow, I really didn't think Lou
Ferrigno could pull that bus.
Are you sure this is live?
It looks pretty old.
Yeah, that's 'cause the,
uh, TV is old.
So, I'll, uh,
call you tomorrow?
Yeah. Um, not too early.
I have church.
You were impressive, buddy.
Nice work.
All right, next challenge.
No. No next challenge. Look, this is
my first night living with Robin.
She's probably pissed I'm
spending it out with you.
This might be our last hurrah,
my little friend.
Marshall, I am gonna cook you
the best dinner of your life.
How would you like a...
one-egg omelet with
some ketchup and film?
Guess Ted's the one
who did the shopping.
Ooh, look, a microwave pizza!
Guess the microwave
was Ted's, too.
Yeah.
So were all the towels.
Turns out that everything that was
useful in this apartment was Ted's.
Everything that was a Foghat poster we
bought ironically in college was mine.
Marshall.
Yeah, Baby?
Ich miss Ted.
Is it too soon to call him?
No, we shouldn't.
I don't want to interrupt his
first night living with Robin.
Ha, nice shooting.
You know, if we win this one it's free onion
rings at the Intergalactic Snack Shack.
What a bargain.
We only had to spend
20 bucks a game.
Admit it, you're having fun.
Maybe.
I mean, it was pretty funny when that
little girl fell over that space barrel.
Nice... We win.
Oh, walk of shame, walk of game--
what up?
Okay. Let's go one more.
- I don't know.
- You know you want to.
All right, let's do it--
I just got to call Robin real quick.
Oh, so that's what it's
gonna be like from now on?
No. Okay, okay. You call your old
lady and ask permission to have fun.
Me, I will be at the Snack Shack eating
our victory onion rings Han style.
Solo.
- Hey, Ted.
- Hey, sweetie listen,
I'm really sorry but I'm gonna be
pretty late, so don't wait up.
Oh, it's totally fine.
You do what you got to do.
Thanks. You're the best.
I love you.
I love you, too. Bye.
Hey, sorry about that.
Thanks for holding.
Um, so if you could go ahead and cancel
my subscription to Guns and Ammo,
that would be great.
No, it's a great magazine.
Really great.
They've printed
three of my letters.
It's just that my
boyfriend is moving in
and he kind of doesn't approve
of the whole gun thing.
A free hand grenade phone?
You know what?
Let me give you my work address.
I did it, Baby!
I got beer. I got food.
We don't need Ted anymore.
I am the provider of|this apartment now,
and I have provided!
"Provode "? Provided.
Anyway, I got us
everything we need.
Could you toss me
the toilet paper?
Be right back, baby. Sit tight.
Hey, I got to admit, um...
I didn't think I would, but, uh...
I had a really
good time tonight.
You're a good friend, Barney.
Hey, man, why don't you, uh...
why don't you tell me
where my truck is.
No, I don't think so.
Where's my Truck?
Do you know why I haven't given you
any of your possessions back yet?
Uh, because you're Admiral Jerk
of the British Royal Douchery?
Because you don't
want them back.
You could've left at any time tonight,
but you didn't, Ted.
Why is that?
Because I didn't want to go back
to Robin's without my stuff.
False. You know what I think?
I think you spent one day with
her and it already sucked.
I think you didn't like being there,
she didn't like having you there
and you both realized that
you made a huge mistake.
And that's why you spent your
first night living with Robin
out playing laser tag with me.
And that's why
three seconds ago
you didn't call it "my place"
or "our place" or "home,"
You called it "Robin's".
You know what?
You can keep my stuff.
- Hey.
- Hey, did you get the truck back?
No.
Why not? What happened?
Oh, he pissed me off so much,
I left.
Anyway, I just wanted to come back here,
space out and watch a movie.
Do you anything that
wasn't made by John Woo?
Why, do you?
You know, forget the movie.
I just want to sit.
What?
It's just I eat at that table.
Fine, I'll take my shoes off.
You know, why don't you just
throw me down in the storage space
where you have room for me.
- Ted, come on.
- Nein, you come on.
I had to jump through
hoops all night for Barney
and then it took me an hour
to get home because his place
is so far away from the bar.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
I know where Barney
put my truck.
Let's go back to my place.
I bet you my place is closer.
Here we are.
You live in the loading
dock behind the bar?
I don't live here, baby.
This is just my ride.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not getting into any van,
I've seen Silence of the Lambs.
Oh, my God. We're drinking champagne
in the back of a moving van.
Why, yes, Sara. Yes, we are.
Those other Rockettes who
called you slow are crazy.
Oh, my God. I knew it.
You're kidnapping me.
- Help! Help!
- No, no, no, no.
I can explain.
Hello?
Enjoying the ride?
Ted? Ted, you let us out of here.
You let us out of here this instant!
This isn't Ted.
But I hear that guy's awesome.
So I took Sara home and I took
Barney to a bar near his apartment.
Apparently, that strategy
had never occurred to him.
That poor girl must've
been so confused.
Yeah.
Well, at least Barney
learned a valuable lesson.
You do not want to get scissor
kicked in the groin by a Rockette.
So, uh,
I guess we should get you unpacked.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess we should.
Lily... deep within the
Amazonian rainforest,
there is a type of tree that only grows
around the body of an existing tree.
It cannot survive
without this tree.
It is supported...
by this tree.
Lily, we are that tree.
- The inside tree or the outside tree?
- The outside tree.
- Shouldn't there be three trees?
- You and I are one tree.
Okay, look, Lily,
the point is that we grew around Ted
and without him,
we're slowly dying.
What do we do?
I think we can
marry each other.
But we also have to marry Ted.
I'll tell you right now, my Dad is
not gonna pay for that wedding.
Ted!
What are you doing here?
Robin and I aren't gonna
move in together after all.
What happened?
I thought we decided
we were ready?
I know.
How did we come to that again?
I don't remember.
We were fighting?
- It's all so blurry.
- Yeah.
The "let's move in together"
sex was pretty amazing.
I know.
I did that thing with no hands
I normally need both to do.
You know...
I'm really happy with you.
I really happy with you.
The way things are.
Maybe we shouldn't
mess with that.
I don't know that we should.
Hey... I hear the "let's not move in
together" sex is pretty incredible.
Let's go back to my place.
- Ooh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
- No, thank you.
- You'll be very happy.
Look, I know you guys are really excited
about having the place to yourself.
Until after the wedding, I mean,
if it's not too much of an imposition...
God, this feels so right.
Never leave us again.
Guys, Robin's down in the truck and
there's actually a lot of boxes,
so maybe we should...
Do we have time for this?
Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my
hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list.
The category: top ten things
I would've called my truck...
It was never your truck.
...if Ted hadn't been a
jerk and given it back.
It was a rental.
Number ten, "The Winne-Bango".
Number nine,
"The Pick-Up Truck".
Number eight,
"The Ford Explore Her".
Number seven,
"The You Scream Truck."
You Scream.
Number six,
"Feels On Wheels." Hello!
Number five,
"The Ride Her Truck."
Number four, "The 18-Squeeler".
Number three, "The Esca-Laid".
Number two, "The Slam-Boney".
and... the number one thing
I would've called my truck
if Ted hadn't been a jerk
and given it back...
"The '69 Chevy."
Sorry.