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stop.
i can't sleep.
no ***.
i just keep thinking about death.
oh, jesus,
not again.
i'm 38.
i'm almost
halfway there at best.
please.
just go to sleep.
okay.
i mean, i'm really
*** scared of dying,
of just being
nothing forever.
i'm going to not exist way
longer than i've existed,
and when i picture that i can't breathe.
i'm just paralyzed.
you're not going
to stop, are you?
i saw this dog today, he
was walking down the street,
and i thought, "that dog
is going to die someday
and he doesn't even
know it.
he's so lucky.
"
or is he?
is it better that he doesn't
know or that he does know?
*** dog.
i just wish
there were some way--
are you still thinking about death?
no.
no.
no.
"lucky louie" was
taped before a live audience.
please eat
something.
i don't really
care for it.
can i have dessert?
yeah, why not?
- hey.
- hi.
- hi, mama.
- hi, baby.
oh my god,
what a horrible day.
you remember pete, my
morbidly obese patient?
it took two hours
to move him.
- where did you have to move him?
- the morgue.
my back is
killing me.
oh, don't give her that yet.
she's barely eaten anything.
yeah, papa.
i've barely eaten anything.
- hello?
- what's up, pumpkin?
are you going to lady
bulldog's game tonight or what?
aw, is that
tonight?
- i don't think i can go.
- what?
you're going to miss the women's
college basketball division iii finals?
what kind of a sports fan are you?
no, you're right,
i should go.
you know what?
i'll be there.
i've just
got to clear it with kim.
well, get it cleared.
tailgate party
starts at 6:30.
i don't want to
miss the pep rally.
hang on.
tina's got something.
now, louie, i know you guys
are going to be out late
- and there's going to be a lot of drinking.
- yeah, probably.
well, have
a good time.
mama, i'm cold.
well, go get your
sweater in the bedroom.
hey, uh, it looks like
the lady bulldogs
are in the championship.
that's pretty great.
oh, okay.
wow.
so i guess mike and rich
are going or something.
oh, they're going?
yeah,
or something.
huh
apparently, there's like
a tailgate party too.
i don't know.
sounds stupid.
yeah, it does.
so are you saying
you want to go?
i don't know.
maybe i should--
right? --'cause it's a work thing.
and mike is my boss, and
it's always good to network.
so you think
i should go?
oh my god, yes, go.
whatever.
- mommy?
- what, sweetie?
- my tummy hurts.
- okay, i'll be right there.
oh, honey.
i'm going to take
her to the bathroom.
will you deal
with that?
oh, jeez, you going
to be all right there?
poor kid.
okay,
i'll see you later.
where are
you going?
i'm going
to the game.
- really?
- what? you said i could go.
what are you, nine? you're
daughter just threw up.
all right, fine.
hey, mike, bad news,
i can't go.
yeah, the wife
won't let me go.
what?
don't tell him that.
this is not me
not letting you go.
oh, i guess she
is letting me go.
what is wrong
with you?
something's wrong with me.
i've got to call you back.
am i going or not?
you need me to tell
you? i worked all day,
lucy's sick and you want
to go to a tailgate party.
so you're not
letting me go?
no, i'm not
doing this.
- what?
- this,
that thing where you force me
to make the decision for you,
and i'm the bad guy.
it's ridiculous.
you're an adult.
make a
decision and live with it.
you want me
to decide?
that's really
what you want?
that'd be great.
are you ***
with me right now?
jesus christ.
all right.
i'm going to decide.
that's what you
want me to do.
uh-huh.
okay.
here's the decision:
i'm going, and i'm going
to have a good time.
bye.
whoo!
how great was it when they
went to the zone defense,
and shut those ugly ***
out for eight minutes?
yeah, nothing i like better
than watching a pretty young lady
taking it hard
to the hole, huh?
mike, mike, mike, slow down,
slow down.
check these guys out.
excuse me, fellas.
we're a little lost.
could you give
us erections?
"erections"?
come on, man.
how do you
even know these guys are gay?
i don't think they're gay.
i'm pretending that i'm gay.
it's funny to act gay.
what's wrong with you, lou?
all right,
i'll try it.
here, check these
guys out over here.
excuse me,
gentlemen, yes.
can you tell me how to
get to sycamore street?
go to the light and make a left.
oh, thanks.
that wasn't fun.
those
guys just think i'm gay now.
eh
uh-oh.
***.
mike, look out!
jesus.
boy,hat guy's
lucky to be alive.
no ***.
hey, buddy,
you almost died!
*** you!
hey, man, are you
okay to drive?
not in the least.
well, here let me drive.
pull over, let's switch.
no no, let go.
i don't like
anyone else driving when i'm drunk.
come on, man.
that's stupid.
let me drive.
just pull over.
come on.
all right.
fine.
you want to drive?
let's switch.
go ahead.
switch.
wait a minute.
wait a minute.
***.
ah! ah!
you're on my ***!
lift up so i can
slide under.
i can't.
i trapped between
the dashboard and your ***.
ah!
push the ***
seat back.
ow!
legroom, faggots!
ugh.
oh, ***.
well, pull over, ***,
you've got the wheel.
would you let him go,
officer? it was my car.
you were both driving.
you
both failed the breathalyzer.
you both get to go to jail.
use that to make your call.
so this is where i'm supposed
to get *** in the ***.
all right.
i've got to figure
out how to tell kim what happened.
hello.
hey, how you doing?
- oh, hi.
- listen, uh
i'm just calling because i feel
really bad that i left you there.
i just-- i just really
wanted to say that i'm sorry.
yeah, okay.
no, really.
i just feel like
i should have been responsible
and i should have given you a
break, and i hope you can forgive me.
it's all right.
thank you.
listen, could you
come pick me up?
what do you mean,
come pick you up?
it's just that
i'm downtown
and i've got to
get home.
well, what do
you need me for?
i don't have a car.
yeah, i know, but it's just
that i'm in a place where
in order for me to leave,
they need you to give them
bail.
you're in jail?
yeah, i got busted
for a d.
u.
i.
i'm sorry.
you're only sorry
because you're in jail.
well, that's the point
of jail.
so, can you
come get me?
hmm.
it looks like i have a
decision to make here.
do i wake up sick lucy
and put her on a bus
to come bail you out,
because you had to drink your
face off at a basketball game,
or do i let you sleep for a
couple of hours on a jail floor?
so which one are
you going to do?
good night, louie.
***.
do you want
to call tina?
yeah, sure.
why not?
- hello.
- hey, honey.
i'm in jail
on a d.
u.
i.
honey, are you okay?
what happened?
well, i was swerving
all over the place,
then louie jumped
on my lap.
it sounds like
you guys had fun.
anyway, listen.
i'm
going to sleep it off here
and i'll see you
tomorrow, okay?
all right.
bye, poop.
oh, well.
hey, you'd better
move over.
i've got
pretty bad aim.
good morning.
oh, hi.
don't you want to know
about my night in jail?
not really.
are you even curious
if i got ***?
'cause i got rap.
louie, i'm sick.
i think i got
whatever lucy had,
so just tell me what happened
and let me go lie down.
well, i got
a $1,000 fine,
and i've got
to go to a.
a.
awesome.
hi, papa.
hey, sweetheart.
how are you feeling?
good.
where were you last night?
i was in jail.
what's jail?
it's a place where
they put bad people.
are you
a bad person?
no, i'm not
a bad person.
then why did they put you in jail?
'cause i'm
a bad person.
do you want
a cookie?
- okay.
- okay, i'm going to have one too.
you shouldn't have a
cookie 'cause you were bad.
hey, louie.
hey, mike.
hey, jerry.
you come here?
yeah, this is
my wednesday meeting.
it's good
you're here,
and don't worry--
anonymous.
yeah, thanks.
hi, welcome, guys.
i'm leading tonight.
my name's jeff.
- hey.
- hi.
hey, can you sign
this for us,
so we can prove
that we were here?
this is
an attendance form.
i don't sign this
until the meeting's over.
oh, we're not
alcoholics.
we're just here
because we got a d.
u.
i.
maybe you could just
sign this so we can leave.
guys, i know it must
be hard to admit that
you might benefit
from something like this,
but what have you got
to lose? an hour?
yeah, an hour.
all right, we'll give
it a shot.
thank you.
okay.
okay, all,
let's get started.
my name's jeff,
and i'm an alcoholic.
hi, jeff.
five years ago,
i was an airline pilot.
one day after
i flew a plane
to los angeles.
the problem is my
destination was san diego.
but then i started
working the steps,
and today, by the grace of
god, i've got my 18-month chip
and i'm an assistant
manager at wal-mart.
has it been
an hour yet?
yeah, i'm cal.
hey, cal.
i'm what you call
a blackout drunk,
so sometimes i'd wake up
five states away
from where
i started drinking.
and i'd be married,
often while i was
already married.
i never even touched alcohol
until i met this girl at the beach.
patty.
god, she was
something.
- cal?
- anyway
god bless you all.
one day at a time.
how'd you like to be that sack of ***?
guys, no crosstalk please.
- i'm jerry.
- hey, jerry.
four years sober.
i enjoy dating
senior citizens.
so one day
claire and i,
we're sitting on
a park bench
and we're making out.
and she falls asleep,
so i start rifling
through her purse,
'cause i want
money for ***.
but i realize that jerry
don't feel good about jerry
when jerry's
doing this.
that's when
i decided
to stop drinking
and start thinking.
and today when i date those old ladies,
i don't steal their money,
so i'm a winner.
well, at least
that was entertaining.
seriously,
no crosstalk.
jesus, this guy really hates crosstalk.
you know what,
mike?
you act like
you're above this.
you say you don't
have a problem.
no, not really.
well then,
tell us about it.
tell us how drinking has
made your life so great.
o kay
i'll give
it a shot.
well, i guess the main thing
is that when i feel bad
i drink, and i don't
feel bad anymore.
and when
i feel good
i drink
and i feel better.
but, i know i drink a little
bit too much sometimes--
way too much-- and the
next day i don't feel good.
i get the runs.
i've got to pop
a lot of aspirin,
maybe take a half-day,
but, you know,
hey, big whoop, huh?
being drunk is fun!
my name is mike,
and thanks for listening.
i never thought
about it like that.
okay, apparently, these guys
haven't learned anything today.
well, i learned
something.
oh, really?
well, let's hear that.
it's kind
of personal.
well, you should
give it a try.
it felt good
to share my story.
yeah, go ahead, louie,
you're in a safe place.
yeah, come on.
well, all right.
i guess i'm relating
to a lot of your stories.
i mean, you guys all made
some really bad decisions
'cause you were drunk.
well, last night i decided to
go to a women's basketball game
instead of taking care
of my sick daughter.
that was
a bad decision.
the thing is,
i was stone-cold sober.
honestly, i wish that
alcohol were my problem.
god, that'd be great.
but, unfortunately,
i'm not an alcoholic,
i'm just
a *** ***.
you know, i made a lot of bad
decisions before i drank too.
maybe i'm just
a *** ***.
yeah, i think i'm a *** *** too.
everybody, please,
this is just
the addict talking.
ah, come on, jeff.
you know
you're a *** ***.
hey, we're all
*** ***, eh?
and this
*** ***
is buying all you
*** ***
drinks.
come on.
- hi.
- hey.
uh, listen.
i'm really sorry
about everything.
i had kind of
a breakthrough.
i know you want me
to be an adult
and make decisions
for myself.
right.
well, that ain't
gonna happen.
that's your
breakthrough?
yeah, look, i-- i tried,
but it didn't work.
i think it's going
to have to be you.
but here's what
i'll give you in return.
i won't complain anymore
or-- or make you the bad guy.
just whatever you decide,
i'll just do it.
no.
what do you
mean no?
no, you still have to
make your own decisions.
but i made one decision--
it was a total disaster.
sure it was.
it was awful.
i mean, i knew it
was going to be bad,
but wow.
yes, so stop me before i do that again.
do you remember when lucy
decided to put glue in her hair?
she was bald
for a while.
but now she knows
that was a bad idea.
that's how
you learn.
okay, you're 37,
so you're starting
a little bit late.
but you'll be fine.
and you're
already bald.
so
i can make any decisions i want
and you won't
complain?
get the ***
out of here.