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Just the man I want to see.
Coffee, please.
Niles, Niles, please...?
You will not believe
the morning I've had..
.
Would you be terribly offended
if I asked you
just not to talk about it
and sit quietly?
Can I at least tell you...?
Shh-shh. Please, I do not have
time for your folderol today.
I am meeting Charlotte
for lunch,
and I am planning my strategy
on how to win her over.
I thought you said she has
a boyfriend,
this environmentalist fellow.
Yes. Frank.
Well, so...
Thank you.
What's your plan
to get around him?
I'm merely going to present
myself as the anti-Frank.
Ah, so you're going to be
not rugged and not handsome.
No.
You also could be
not passionate
and not committed.
Very funny.
Maybe she'd
like you
if you were not interesting
and not informed.
Niles!
Well, you said my
day was folderol!
Sometimes it is!
I don't believe you.
Well, it's true.
My roommate and I used to listen
to your show every day,
just for you.
We fell in love with your voice.
Really?
(soothingly) :
It's just a voice.
Well, all the guys on my floor
listen to you.
To our show?
Yeah.
Boy, things sure
have changed since
I was in college.
Mmm. Well, it wasn't exactly
college. More like prison.
Oh, so was mine.
So, where'd you go
?
.
Prison.
Oh.
So...
(soothingly):
you fell in love
with my voice?
Hi!
Oh!
Charlotte, hi, hi.
Hi.
You remember
my brother, Niles?
Yes, Charlotte.
Oh, hello!
How are you?
Hi.
Well, frustrated.
I've been selling
this guy all over town,
but no one's buying.
Oh, well, perhaps if
you'd throw in a toaster.
Oh!
I just have to call Frank
before we head out.
Oh, right.
So, everything's settled
between the two of you?
Oh, yeah, he came over
last night.
I don't even remember
what we were fighting about.
(laughs)
You know what that means,
don't you?!
They had a long night
of acrobatic makeup sex.
I just thought of another way
you could be the anti-Frank.
Niles?
Hmm?
Keep an eye out for her,
will you?
What are you doing?
Research.
Frasier! Frasier! Foul play!
All is fair in love and war.
That's interesting.
An anthology of Irish plays.
It's perfect!
What do you know
about Irish plays?
Nothing, but not for long.
There's one area where no man
has ever bested me, Niles.
Homework!
Oh, uh,
Charlotte, listen.
I was just beeped
by a patient
who's-who's desperate
to see me.
So, do you mind
if we just switch
Iunch for dinner?
.
Actually, that's better for me
I have four new clients
coming in.
Just think,
the woman of your dreams
may be sitting in my office
this afternoon.
Indeed she may.
(chuckling)
Oh, Monsieur, it is so nice
to see you again.
Your special table
is ready for you.
And the wine?
As you requested,
Monsieur.
Right. And the roses?
I'm so sorry,
Monsieur.
I felt that the scent
would distract
from the wine's
distinctive bouquet.
You forgot them, didn't you?
Yes, forgive me.
For God's sake, Georges!
Send a busboy out to pick
some wildflowers, please.
Very good, Monsieur.
Gee, you kind of sprinted
ahead of me there.
I'm so sorry.
Listen, I just wanted
to make sure that we
could get a good table.
Here, come and sit.
This place is kind of fancy
for a working dinner.
Yes, well, after the rigors of
your camping trip with Frank,
I thought that you deserved
a little elegance.
Thank you.
So, good news.
I met this great
woman today.
How do you feel
about dating someone a
little taller than you?
How much taller?
I don't know exactly,
but I did have to turn
off the ceiling fan.
Well, let's just put her
in the "maybe" pile, shall we?
Hi, sweetie.
Sorry to interrupt.
I know you're working.
Oh... Frank, you
know Frasier.
Yes, yes, of course.
Nice to see
again, Frasier.
Good to see you, Frank.
I just need the keys
to your apartment.
I left
my blue field notebook there,
and I want to double-check
some old whale songs
I copied down.
Oh, sure.
Been in a boat all day
recording whale songs,
and I think
we might have had
a really big
interpretive breakthrough.
Oh! You must tell us
about it sometime.
That's a great wine.
Can I steal a glass?
?
.
Yeah, here.
You don't mind, do you
N-No, no.
Not at all.
Although, as the lrish say,
"A man takes a drink,
"the drink takes a drink,
the drink takes the man. "
That's very good.
"As the old *** crows,
the young *** learns. "
Yes, well, wasn't it
O'Casey who once wrote:
"The Irish treat
a serious thing as a joke
and a joke as a serious thing"?
Well, you'd really have to ask Frank about that.
He's the one who loves
Irish literature.
He lent me an anthology,
but I haven't made
much of a dent in it.
I'm sorry, honey, I'm trying.
I know you
are, baby.
The flowers
as you requested, Monsieur.
I'm sorry. I thought
you were to bedeux.
Yes, well,
now we are trois.
Thank you, Georges.
Uh, could you bring us
another glass, please?
Yes, I understand,
Monsieur.
It is most sophisticated of you.
Frasier, you ordered
these flowers?
Well, the table
just looked so bare.
These are great choices, man.
These are all
Washington wildflowers.
Remember, from our hike?
Foxglove, fine-tooth penstemon,
harsh paintbrush...
Ah!
Remember this one?
Oh, it's on the tip
of my tongue...
Monkey flower.
Monkey flower.
Yes, often confused
with the chimp pansy.
(laughing)
Frank made the same
joke this morning.
Oh!
Yeah. Great minds.
Ah, yes, yes, yes.
(speaking French)
(speaking French)
Oh.
Terrific.
Hey, how you doing?
Hi. Hey, look at you,
Mr. Handsome.
Oh, thanks.
We're going to go hear
Ronee sing at the Rendezvous.
And then afterwards,
I am going to give her
her engagement ring.
Oh! Let's have a look.
(chuckles)
Oh, Martin, it's beautiful.
She's going to
love this.
Oh, thanks. You know,
I forgot I had it.
I bought it years ago
for Sherry,
but then we broke up.
You can't give Ronee a used ring.
Sherry never even touched it.
It doesn't matter.
Ronee deserves something
that you picked out
just for her.
Well, she'll think I picked this out just for her.
id.
But you didn't.
But she'll think I d
But you didn't.
You'll have to sell that one
and buy Ronee a new one.
Niles, come on.
Back me up here.
You can't be serious.
Oh, geez.
Fine.
Back in the vault.
(chuckles)
Some vault!
It's an old cigar box
with a bunch of silver dollars
and Eddie's baby teeth.
Oh, hey, Roz.
What are you doing here?
Oh, hi. I was just
shopping around
the corner.
Thought I'd stop by.
Oh, gosh. Well,
unfortunately, I have a date.
That's okay.
I have one myself, with Steve.
Oh, yes,
your convict friend.
Do you think
that's wise?
The man made one mistake.
Besides, I don't know any guy
who's not a little fascinated
by fire.
Yes, and a felon now knows
where you live.
(cell phone rings)
I'm not at otalidiot.
Hello?
Oh, yeah, hi,
Steve.
I'm grabbing my coat.
I'll be right down.
You--
So, you have
a date tonight?
Yes, yes, actually,
Charlotte and I have been out
three times this week.
We have been wine-tasting,
beach combing,
and we actually
shared a blanket
in a horse-drawn
carriage.
I take it Frank's off
in the mountains again.
Oh, no.
He was there, too.
Let's go.
You mean, it's been
the three of you all week?
Well, it's not exactly
how I want it,
but the more time
I spend with them,
the less time they get
to spend alone together.
It doesn't bother Frank, you
tagging along on their dates?
Frank? No. In fact,
he's quite taken with me.
Doesn't even occur to him
that I might be a rival.
Galling, yes,
but it does give me more time
to work my magic
on Charlotte.
In another week, you can
kiss Frank good-bye.
Maybe we'll wait
till there's not a line.
Hi, guys.
Hello.
Gangsta!
What it is!
(chuckles)
So, what's going on?
I thought we were
meeting downtown.
I know. I'm sorry.
But can we stay in tonight?
I've got to get up early
and catch a flight to Chicago
for some divorce stuff,
and Frank's beat.
Yeah, I was at
the beach all day
cataloguing the
stomach contents
of a dead elephant seal.
It was like all-you-can-eat
down at The Lobster Pot.
(laughing):
I'm sorry.
The collapse of our coastal
fisheries is no joke.
I'm just punchy.
We brought some movies.
We couldn't agree
on which one to watch,
so you break the tie.
Well...
Hmm.
"The Perfect Storm... "
or"When Harry Met Sally. "
.
I guess I'm going
to have to go for When Harry Met Sally
Yes! He'll have
what I'm having!
Oh, hi!
Hey.
We keep passing
each other.
Yeah.
We have some dessert here,
if you want to stay.
Oh, no thanks. I've got to cat
an early flight,
?
.
but tell Frasier I'll call him
Sure.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Do I know her?
Yeah, she's the woman
Frasier's been after.
She has a boyfriend
already, but maybe
something happened.
I'll say! You don't get
that hairstyle sitting up.
Aw, geez.
Well...
so long as he's happy.
(doorbell rings)
MARTIN:
Oh, hi, guys.
Hey, Dad.
FRASIER:
Hey, Daphne, Niles.
Listen, the opera tickets
are right there by the phone.
Wish I could use them myself.
Well, if you'd
gotten a third,
you could take that
couple you've been dating.
Yes, that's very droll.
Frank injured himself
on our hike,
so I've got Charlotte
all to myself this evening.
I'm not going to waste
this opportunity.
I'm going to make her
a romantic dinner
and then tell her
how I feel about her.
Wow, really?
Are, are you sure
she's ready for that?
Well, I don't know,
but I can't stand
this ridiculous threesome
anymore.
You know, the worst part
is how completely unthreatening
Frank finds me, as if I'm
some sort of a harem eunuch.
How'd he hurt himself, anyway?
Well, he strained his back
carrying me over a brook.
You wounded him,
and you're stealing hi
s woman in the same day?
Well, I didn't ask the m
an to carry me.
He simply hoisted me
over his shoulder
before I could stop him.
That's not something
you get used to,
no matter how many times
it happens.
Don't you worry about it.
You just do what you gotta do.
Thanks, Dad.
Wish me luck.
I'm making her beef bourguigno
from a new recipe.
MARTIN:
Good luck.
Flour the beef.
Mm, you're looking
very sharp.
Oh, I got
the new ring.
Oh, let's have a look.
I sold the old one
and got this new one
this morning.
Oh.
Dad, it's huge.
Oh, it's
beautiful, Martin.
Yeah.
Hi.
Hey.
What's going on?
Nothing.
Oh, you look
lovely tonight.
But, you know,
I think
your hand is kind
of underdressed.
Oh, my God!
Marty, it's gorgeous.
Oh, I love it,
and I love you.
In that order.
Thank you.
Listen, I've got
to go wash my hands.
I was eating Cheetos
all the way over.
I love this lady.
.
Oh, it's brilliant
Oh, you had it
inscribed.
I did?
"Lil Q-Pid.
Til def do us part. "
What is that?
What?
Let me see that.
Isn't Lil Q-Pid
that obese rapper?
The one
they arrested for drugs.
Where did you
get this ring?
At an auction.
A police auction.
You can't give
that to her.
Well, I can't take it back.
She loves it.
What are you
gonna tell her?
Well, just relax,
I'll handle it.
Well, there's my lil cupid.
All beautiful
and clean.
All you need is a bow
and arrow, lil cupid.
Why are you calling me that?
Well, I always call you that.
No, no, you don't.
Oh, well, maybe I mostly say it
when you're not around
Oh, yes.
It's always "l
il cupid said this"
or "lil cupid
did that. "
It looks
beautiful on you.
Thank you.
Now promise me
you'll never take it off, lil cupid.
Okay, okay, I promise,
if you'll
stop calling me that.
Deal.
I'm going to go look
at this in the mirror.
How did you get it
to fit her?
Lil Q-Pid's as big
as a house.
Keep your
voice down.
It was a toe ring.
n,
Here we are, beef bourguigno
with saut?ed fiddlehead ferns,
and walnut
chutney.
.
It's my own recipe
It's exactly what I need
after the day I've had.
Well, maybe I could
give you a neck rub
while it cools.
Oh, you're the best.
I'm so sorry you've had
to put up with
all this business
with me and Frank.
What business?
Well, you know.
Just all this tension
between us.
There's tension?
He's a great guy.
We just seem to be...
I don't know...
Fighting?
Growing apart?
Not clicking?
(knocking)
FRANK:
Charlotte?
Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.
It's my watch. It's caught.
Here...
Should have known.
The minute I'm laid up,
you're over here
making my lady dinner.
You're true blue, buddy.
Hi, baby.
Hello, Frank.
Walnut chutney.
That's daring.
Were you giving her a backrub?
Was I?
Well, yes, yes,
I suppose I was.
Would you mind doing me?
I took an aspirin
after our hike,
but my neck's stilI a little tight.
So tell me all
about Chicago.
How was it?
I'll tell you later.
Oh, that's nice.
Frasier,
stop rubbing his neck.
Sit down.
Why can't he rub my neck?
Because when
you came in,
we were just sitting
down to dinner.
You could
have called first.
Well, I didn't know I needed
to get clearance. Geez.
You're as touchy
as a Hermit Thrush.
This is typical of you.
You come in here,
you expect me
to change my plans
because you're
suddenly available.
It's insensitive.
Oh, I'm insensitive?
I've been tracking
a pod of humpback whales
for a week, and they've been
talking their *** off,
but have you once asked me
what Bonnie has to say?
Or Robert or Grace?
They're whales!
They're my friends!
Stop yelling.
Look, you're
upsetting Frasier.
I didn't do anything.
I came in, kissed you hello,
and you jumped down my throat.
What is your problem?
You are
driving me crazy.
Do you
believe her?
Don't you drag him
into this.
You know what? I can't
deal with this tonight.
When can you
deal with it?
I'll call ahead an
d make an appointment.
I think you
should leave.
Fine.
Come on, Frasier.
Let's go.
Times like this, a guy
really needs his buddy.
(soft knocking)
Mm...
Hi.
Just wanted to see
how you're doing.
Tip-top.
How's your friend?
He went someplace dark.
I couldn't follow.
Him and his moods.
No, no, he climbed
some kind of pine tree.
Look, I'm sorry
about all that.
I think this is it
for Frank and me.
Really?
It's just not working.
I think I was always attracted
to the idea of him
more than... him.
This may seem
inappropriate,
but I'm not entirely s
ad to hear you say that.
What do you mean?
I would think my feelings
were obvious by now,
all the time we've bee
n spending together.
I just thought it was because
you were hitting it off
with Frank.
Are you kidding?
The man smells
like a chum boat.
You, you're the on
e I wanted to be with.
Look, um...
I realize you're i
n a vulnerable state,
and you probably need
some time to process this,
.
so I'll just, uh..
Don't go.
I've been thinking a little about you, too.
Really?
(chuckles nervously)
Well, then...
Oh, God,
I'm uncomfortable.
.
I'm sorry.
I'm rushing things
No, no, I'm just...
I'm laying
on a wine bottle.
Good morning.
Oh, dear God.
Please tell me nothing
happened last night.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
(chuckling)
I'm glad you stayed.
Me, too.
Hey, guys.
You're in my robe.
I guess you got caught
in the rain, too, huh?
Yes, I did.
What happened to your hand?
(groans)
I was so mad
last night, I...
I punched a raccoon.
.
God, I'm a ***
You're a good guy
to come check on her.
I never understand
why women don't like you.
Can we talk?
Yeah, I think
that's a good idea.
Uh, my clothes
should be dry by now.
?
.
So what's going on with us
Oh, come on, Frank.
I think you know
it's not working.
Yeah.
And, anyway, there is
something else you should know.
When I was in Chicago,
my ex told me
he's moving to New York.
So I bought
the old business from him.
I'm moving back home.
(sighs)
You sure about this?
Yeah.
I mean,
I know Chicago.
I have friends there.
Seattle just hasn't
panned out for me.
I thought you should be
the first to know.
Well, I know
you'll do great.
So will you.
Ah...
Uh, I should
be going.
That's okay.
You stay.
I'm going.
You know this isn't
your fault, right, partner?
You be good, buddy.
I know I should feel
sad for Frank,
but I can't help
feeling happy.
Frasier, I...
Listen, I'm late
for about three things,
so can I see you
later this afternoon?
Maybe after my show?
Okay.
After your show.
Perfect.
Uh, look, I hate
to jinx this, but...