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I stand before you tonight, as very happilly married man.
So I can recommend being married to you,
I cannot however recommend, getting married.
There's something I need to tell you about this wedding,
that your family will not tell you...
...your friends, will not tell you,
only I.
Your strange little TV friend.
I find myself in this unique position,
that I might be the only person you do know,
that can tell you the straight up honest truth,
which is this: Nobody wants to go to your wedding.
We are not excited, like you are.
Most of us to get in these invitations, we going: "Oh it's on a Saturday!"
No, I don't want you to get the wrong impression,
I don't want to think we are not happy for you,
because we are.
We all think it's great.
You two have met,
you want a be together,
you want a go off and do whatever you want a do in life, just do it.
Why is it necessary to ruin the day of a hundred and fifty other people?
We are not really part of this
can you leave us alone?
But they cannot, they will not leave us alone.
They agonise over every name on the guest list:
"Oh we have to invite them, they'll be so upset"
No they won't.
They'll be clicking their heels,
because they don't have to go to the bad party,
it's a bad party.
It's long, expensive, boring, unconfortable.
Every person in this room is been to a good party,
you all know what a good party is like.
If you gonna plan a good party,
would you invite all the oldest people you know.
The bride of course is the engine that drive the wedding.
The bride is into it,
the bride reads "Bride Magazine",
wich is the thickest, heaviest most frightening magazine on the planet.
The Bride Magazine cause the bride to get a bright brain
and the bright brain has a lot of ideas
ideas like:"honey I think I'm gonna need twenty more feet...
...that just dress that just drags of the end of my dress".
Cause I'm the damn bride, that's why".
I drag you till altar, I might as well drag this too.
The tuxedo is an outfit designed by women for man
at weddings as a wedding safety device
for the bride
in case the groom chikens out
everybody takes just one step over
and the ceremony can proceed,
as it was.
That's why they don't say, "do you take Bob Johnson
to be your lovely wedded husband?"
they say: "do you take? this man"
Then the reception.
At half way through the bride and the groom they come downstairs,
they've packed and they've changed:
"Well we'll see you later
we're going to Barbados to have sex
you enjoy the dry cake and our relatives".