Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
And now...
Its with fear
and trepidation....
that I hand over to my Best Man
and new step-son Harvey
just before Harvey - who is the Best Best Best BEST Man
I do notice
that there's a lot of young ladies lining up to watch him do this!! Harvey!!
ok
I've never done anything like this - so please excuse me if its a bit... (I don't know)
ok...
When Neil came and asked me to be his Best Man
..You know - get him to the Church on time
and then say a few nice things about him at the Reception
I told him that although it was a 'Great Honour' to be asked..
I kind of felt that he might be better off with SOMEONE ELSE!!
then he offered me Twenty quid!
I said - I'm not THAT easily bought you know!
then he offered me FORTY QUID...
sooooo
Good Afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen
Boys and Girls! As most of you know my name is Harvey and it is my pleasure today to be Neil's Best Man.
I've tried to memorise this speech, BUT unfortunately
I HAVEN'T!!
so please excuse me if I have to look at my notes every few seconds.
Firstly
on behalf of the Maid of Honor - Mel
and Mum's other helping friends, i'd like to say 'Thanks' to Neil for his kind words
you...
have all done a great job today and look fantastic! Nearly as Amazing as my Mum!
I think my Mum looks stunning today
whereas Neil just looks STUNNED!
I'd like to propose a toast to the Maid of Honour and friends
...or 'Usherettes' as Mum's been calling them!
so - Ladies and Gentlemen - The Maid of Honour and The Usherettes!!
The Ushers - Spen and Neil have also done a good job today,
having a wash! Putting on a tie!
and remembering to shave!!
So - Ladies and Gentlemen - THE BOYS!
I think my duties as Best Man are getting Neil here on time,
which is deffinately a FIRST!
Sober! Which is deffinately UNUSUAL! and Smart! Which is UNHEARD OF!
Well
I think I've been successful
on the first and last one!
I was ACTUALLY given a Best Man's Checklist
but after reading it through
I have to admit that some of the
things mystified me a bit
A!
Help the Groom get dressed!
Thanks but No Thanks! If he hasn't learned how to do it himself by now then there is no chance...
B! Ensure that Neil goes to the toilet... Again - I refuse!!
Make sure that his face and hair are in good order... Well God couldn't do it - so what chance do I have!!
D!!
That his flies are done up! (I feel perhaps his Mother would be more suited as Best Man) - Sorry Eth!!
So for those of you who don't know Neil so well, I will try and give you a little overview of what he's about...
For those of you who do know him well - you have my sympathy!
Neil was born at a very early age, about the size of a baby,
on the 14th of August 1976
at Frimley Park Hospital
in Frimley.
I did ask his Mum and Dad if they had any cute photos of Neil to show everyone here today.
There was one of him laying naked
on a sheepskin rug
in front of the fire
eating a chocolate biscuit and dribbling!
I was going to bring it and show you all
but i thought it might have been a bit too embarrassing
as he was 21 years old at the time
Neil was a slow starter,
at play school he was different to the other 5 year olds - he was 11... Its fair to say that Neil was NOT one of the Teachers Pets!
One of his old school reports says
Neil was an IDEAL pupil who EXCELLED in most subjects!
Oooops! No - Sorry! That should read
Neil was an IDLE pupil who was EXPELLED from most subjects!
His friends started to worry about his music tastes
after finding
in his possession - A favourite of his
'STAR GIRL' by McFly!!
If you ply him with enough alcohol tonight - you may be lucky enough
to witnesses his rendition and choreography!
Leg slides included!!
When Neil left school he joined his Dad for an apprenticeship in printing
where he excelled at his job
in fact is such a hard worker I believe he is described as GOD at work
this is because - no-one ever sees him, he makes his own rules... and it's a miracle if he does any work!
But all that aside
as my Grandpa said
Me and my Mum are very proud of him going back to college to retrain as Super Mario!
Oh no - wait... I'm sorry
I mean a Plumber. It's easy to get confused, especially when you see him in his blue dungarees and little cap!
I'm still not quite sure where my Mum met Neil
but I do know that she is an animal lover...
and is always the first one to come to the aid of some poor helpless creature... which I guess is why we are here today!!
Neil somehow managed to secure a first date
and unbelievabley my Mum agreed to go out with him!! I don't know where he took her on their first date
He hinted at me that it was an expensive restaurant
an he wants to keep it a secret so the place remains special only to them...
but I know
that night he wood Mum with that immortal line...
"If you were on the menu here - you'd be McGORGEOUS!!!!"
Let's be fair though, Neil does have his many good points
and one of those is that he can always take a joke
Mind you - so can Mum...
as she's taken Neil!!
Neil also likes to think of himself as a strong, brave and manly Man...
well... I can let you into a secret or two
as this will probably be my only chance.
As most of you know, the three of us went travelling a couple of years ago and saw some amazing sights
and fabulous places...
One of the places we went to
was to Queenstown, New Zealand - which is the home of adrenelin junkies!!
What better place to show off your manly aura!!
Mum and Neil decided to bungee jump!
The longest one in the world and newly opened - The Nevis Arc Swing.
which falls from a platform
precariously balanced over
180 meters above a canyon.
I stood up on the safety of the platform
watching them get themselves harnessed up
Neil still acting
BIG and BRAVE and MANLY! Then it was time to go.... THE DROP!!!!
Neil's face was not only a picture -
Neil SCREAMED like a GIRL
not just a little scream, but all the way from the top of the platform to the other side of the canyon
In fact, he even had to take a breath halfway down - to CARRY ON screaming!
I do in fact have video evidence of this if anyone fancies a laugh later...
Also, Neil fancies himself as a bit of a fisherman
..apparently better than Robson Green's Extreme Fishing... (apparently anyway!)
He told me how he could teach me a thing or two
and so, on New Years Eve in 2008 we set off on a little boat, just off Daydream Island
in Australia.
In short, he caught
NOTHING
And I, having never fished before,
caught TWO!!
and when it came to getting them off the hook... again...
He SQUEALED like a girl!
There is also video evidence of this with the backing track of Mum laughing her head off...
I've had to put up with Neil for nearly 3 and a half years now! Sometimes annoying,
a willing watcher of the Simpsons
and old repeats of Only Fools and Horses!
often a 'Partner in Crime' ...and today, with pride, Neil's Best Man!!
In that time I have come to realise for me he is
someone you can rely on
(apart from time-keeping and fishing)
and he's a good friend.
Now I was told I should add some words of wisdom for the happy couple! Quite difficult
considering I'm ONLY eleven and Neil is now my ROLE MODEL!!
So I looked up a little bit of advice in a book...
for both of you...
There's two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1 - When you're wrong - ADMIT IT!
2 - When you're right - SHUT UP!!
Before I go I'd like to ask Neil and Mum to participate in this little speech now.
Mum if I can ask you to put your hand
out flat
Yes that's it palm down - well done
all right
Neil if you would please your hand directly on top of Mum's... YES just like that!
There we go Neil
i wanted to make the most its moment because it's probably the last time you will
have the
UPPER HAND!!
Good Luck to my Beautiful Mummy, especially for agreeing to marry Neil.
I can assure you he snores like a hippo with a cold, and she's agreed to put up with it
for the rest of their lives together!!!!
So Mum - I have a little present for you.
...some nice ear defenders!
...and Neil - there is a present for you too!
It folds out! It's fairly comfy
and it comes with a duvet and pillow - and you'll find it already made up ...
in the CELLAR!
On that notice
I would like to thank Neil - its been an honour to be your Best Man!
My Mum - for just being My Mum! And I wish both of you every happiness for the future!
So - Ladies and Gentlemen, may I now ask you to raise your glasses in a toast to Neil and my Mum.
We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage. To Neil and Sam !!
excited
and