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Back in the day there was a quick, easy way to get your product noticed by the young whippersnappers.
Back in the day there was a quick, easy way to get your product noticed by the young whippersnappers.
Not controversial enough to cause outright public outcry, but just enough
so the kids would say to one another "Dude, you gotta play this game!"
"This guy totally says the '***' word in it!"
Yup - gratuitous swearing has moved many a merchandise & at one time I was no exception.
Divide By Zero put this out in 1995 and the demo tickled my ears
in the most inappropriate manner.
in the most inappropriate manner.
It even came with a 6-page comic book about how the protagonist was
the sole survivor of an attack on his ship, and the resulting physical & mental wounds
that ultimately drove his son to run away and his wife to suicide.
This may be a tonal shift from the Innocent Until Caught series that the studio were known for
but it doesn't change much; it just means all the laughs are unintentional... and there are laughs.
So - thirteen years later, I can actually afford and legally buy the game
so let's see if there's anything to this other than the profanity tornado
I witnessed so long ago.
The game begins as it means to continue - with all the urgency of an alcoholic snail.
We see an unknown pilot heading towards what I believe science defines as a
'galactic space ***'
To be honest, at this point I thought I'd put the trailer for Playmobil Universe on by mistake.
He then heads up towards a nearby probe.
unfortunately someone left the automatic flash on, which blinds Playmobil Joe
sending him careening out of control and down into the ***-y abyss.
Soon after the tragedy a giant backwards plasma rifle comes
into orbit around a matte painting
and a scout ship is sent to escort a cargo container over.
I don't know why it's called 'Tanuki' though, it doesn't look anything like a raccoon.
On board is Playmobil Joe's estranged father, Devlin McCormack.
He's come to the station to attend the funeral as that's where his son was working when he died.
But he soon runs into some antagonism, courtesy of Security Chief Ward.
Irish?! Devlin's irish accent is about as good as Dave Perry's!
Irish?! Devlin's irish accent is about as good as Dave Perry's!
From here, we head to the funeral.
Ha, classic Ward!
After the funeral, Paddy McCormack is sitting in his room when
he gets a note under the door saying that his son's death was no accident.
DEVLIN IMPRESSION: "A meaningless accident is far more comforting."
DEVLIN: "But if it is, I swear I will KILL whoever was responsible for Danny's death!"
DEVLIN: "But if it is, I swear I will KILL whoever was responsible for Danny's death!"
Woah! Don't stress yourself emoting now, Devlin; we haven't even started the game yet!
Woah! Don't stress yourself emoting now, Devlin; we haven't even started the game yet!
So it's time for Devlin to find out who killed his son using his crack detective skills.
...yes, well done.
It's at this point you'll realise the interface got re-designed to somewhere
between 'minimalist' and 'dipshit'.
Whilst games of this type normally give you a set of verbs to use on things,
clicking on someone in The Orion Conspiracy only brings up a list of verbs relevant to that character.
clicking on someone in The Orion Conspiracy only brings up a list of verbs relevant to that character.
For example: if you never have to give an item to a character
you'll never have an option to do so.
If you do have to give them something, you'll have a Give option every time you interact with them.
If you do have to give them something, you'll have a Give option every time you interact with them.
Even if you don't necessarily get the item you need until hours later.
Even if you don't necessarily get the item you need until hours later.
This does save time and frustration by not having to try everything on everything else, but not abstract everything on
This does save time and frustration by not having to try everything on everything else, but not abstract everything on
but it often gives away the answers to puzzles before you can get a chance to
realize there was a puzzle there.
Yet the inventory items are done completely differently
If you have to use an inventory object in the world, it doesn't display the option
until you actually have the actually item that you need
Why don't they do that for both?
Also, free tip;
if you get the chance to talk to a corpse, don't. I'll explain why later.
if you get the chance to talk to a corpse, don't. I'll explain why later.
So now we have to go ask every character the same set of questions.
It does give us at least one instance of the same voice actor talking to himself.
DEVLIN IMPRESSION: "...daddy?"
He doesn't advance the plot but we do learn that the base is separated into two complexes
run by competing companies.
Kobayashi (the company McCormack's son worked for)
and Mogami-Hudson... the other one.
What bearing does this have on the actual plot? A lot less than it should.
So Devlin goes to the Kobayashi scientists for some info.
Talking to Rowland, however, just gives you the information that he's a whiny little cuntsponge.
Talking to Rowland, however, just gives you the information that he's a whiny little cuntsponge.
Anyway, Devlin's first clue comes when he talks to Technician Bernard.
BERNARD: "I'm CHIEF technician" Sorry, sorry.
She tells you the purple swirly thing outside is called the Devil's Gate,
which actually makes galactic space *** a great euphemism.
Also, check the balls on this lady;
*** out her subordinate when he's standing right *** there.
*** out her subordinate when he's standing right *** there.
ROWLAND: "Damn! If I didn't have my hand stuck in this poorly defined contraption"
"I'd totally slap your *** face... damn!"
Since Bernanrd doesn't know what could've caused the 3-megawatt flare that caused the accident
the obvious choice is to go and see the station's engineer.
Yeah, you sure dodged THAT bullet...
So Meyer here tells you that the only thing that could cause a 3-megawatt flare
would be a concussion charge.
Everyone denies such a thing would be on board, but Rowland he'll tell you.
You go see Chandra the cook and he offers to make you a dish.
This won't get him away from the pie in the kitchen, naturally,
so you have to go capture a rat in the caves and come back... yeeeeeeah.
By this time your meal is finished and waiting for you in the Rec room.
Dunk the rat in the chicken korma, call Chandra through and voila! He stands and stares dumbly
while you go raid his pantry for delicious pie.
I guess it's a good thing he didn't try and make ratatouille! *PUN*
You get the pie over to Whiny McCockMop and he tells you that Raman was working with explosives.
You get the pie over to Whiny McCockMop and he tells you that Raman was working with explosives.
Ah, there she is.
DEVLIN IMPRESSION: "i can tell by some of the pixels and from seeing quite a few uniforms in my time." seem quite a few uniforms right
Normally she would deny that she was using such things, but...
Do you remember who Jay is? I sure as hell don't.
Do you remember who Jay is? I sure as hell don't.
Raman tells you that concussion charges ARE used,
but they're labelled as Gauge-3 Wrenches on the inventories.
You find last week's inventory just lying around and you have to compare it to the previous one
which you get by talking to LaPaz, the frenchie lady who welcomed you on board.
She's one of those strange characters who just wanders about the place and
always seems to be leaving a room just as you enter
or hiding behind a pillar so you can't *** select her
or you accidentally click an exit and leave the room.
And that's another thing; you never know where you're going in this game is just labelled 'Exit'
And that's another thing; you never know where you're going in this game is just labelled 'Exit'
rather than location it leads to.
This wouldn't be so bad if you didn't have
three identical floors of corridors to navigate.
I would've probably had another two hours of footage if I hadn't made a map
and the last time I had to do that I was playing Scorpion Swamp!
So you talk to LaPaz...
LAPAZ: "O, hai."
Christ... even in the future Tommy Wiseau is a meme.
Anyway, she gives you the latest supply inventory and quelle ***' surprise
a concussion charge was stolen from the armory a day before Danny died.
Only the Captain and Ward Texas Ranger have access.
Roland suddenly comes down with a bad case of plot convenience
and the doctor gets called away.
allowing Devlin to rummage around on her computer.
You find out from this that LaPaz is pregnant
meaning Devlin can ignore who the obvious culprit of his son's death is
and go coerce LaPaz into giving him access to Danny's possessions.
Did I already mention this guy drove his son to run away and his wife to suicide?
LAPAZ/WISEAU IMPRESSION: "You are tearing me apart, Devlin!"
LAPAZ/WISEAU IMPRESSION: "You are tearing me apart, Devlin!"
Searching Danny's possessions turns up love letters from one of his co-workers.
Steve Kaufman, yes!
The man who has had no bearing on the plot whatsoever up until now!
Kaufman is suddenly angry as Danny told him all about being estranged from his father
Kaufman is suddenly angry as Danny told him all about being estranged from his father
and automatically assumes that Devlin is an industrial strength homophobe.
He storms off.
DEVLIN IMPRESSION: "Did you hate me so much that you turned gay?"
Not that Danny being gay would or should
have any effect on his father's opinion on him.
have any effect on his father's opinion on him.
I mean, Devlin had quite obviously driven him away long before that
so it obviously had nothing to do with it.
Devlin turns in for a snooze only to wake up to the disturbing news
that Kaufman has been murdered...
...and not well.
Of course Devlin gets blamed because two people who weren't there said so
and the same person you just blackmailed refuses to come to your defence.
Ward locks you in the observation room until the next supply ship comes.
Now, the puzzle in this room is what served as the game's demo
so my pre-adolescent ears were delighted with this opening salvo.
Although Ward also says this...
And yet it's here that Devlin says what is probably the best line in the game
And yet it's here that Devlin says what is probably the best line in the game
Let me set this up for you;
The door is locked, but since this room isn't a real prison cell,
Devlin can block the only ventilation pipe into the room.
The ship's computer can't let the air run out while somebody's in there
so it opens the door to restore the supply and frees Devlin.
To which Big D says...
Anyway, time to investigate Kaufman's body for clues. *Pheonix Wright 'Investigation' music*
I'm just kidding. There's nothing useful at all in here, you can't even examine the body
TO SOMEWHERE ELSE!
Back in the cargo freighter which brought you in the first place
Devlin discovers the cocoon from Aliens
...but then the doctor comes in.
Suddenly, aliens! Devlin is about to run and tell everyone, when...
Oh ***, RUN AWAY!
... oh god.
Buggering HELL that was stupid! I... I need a minute.
Meyer doesn't want to warn the crew yet as he thinks the captain will use this as an
excuse to get him fired.
And he still has a few hours to fix the engines without anyone realising.
But Rowland overhears them from the next room... somehow...
and flees on the cargo freighter with the cocoons on board.
Devlin needs to somehow stop that ship.
Devlin needs to somehow stop that ship.
At least no-one was nearby to hear the explosions, scream, shuttle departing or any
Oh! I... um... oh.... ah, ***. *whistles nonchalantly*
Devlin then heads for the command centre and destroys the freighter
with the station's laser turret
preventing the spread of deadly aliens throughout the universe and also getting rid
of the most annoying dickweasel in the sector.
Before Devlin can so much as do his pantsless victory dance
the captain comes in brandishing a gun.
Now, remember the comic when Devlin's crew got killed and he survived?
Guess who else was on that ship?
To get revenge he requested that Danny be be transferred to the station
so that when the Captain killed Danny
Devlin would know what it's like to lose the last person that meant anything to him.
Devlin goads him into pulling the trigger, apparently as sick of the game as I was
at this point. But then...
With that out the way,
you get back to fix and station's engine
A part needs replacing and the only spare is out on the probe that killed Danny.
Despite the fact his lungs might give out in zero-G, since they were torched in the accident,
Devlin goes to fetch... I'll let Meyer tell you.
Now, I didn't do so well with Physics; can someone enlighten me as to what
part of a wrench is based off gravity?
That would necessitate a zero-G version of the tool?
...anyone?
Before I forget, I have to mention that 'talking to corpses' thing from earlier.
You can still click on the captain once he's been shot.
and he's got options to keep a Look at or Talk to him.
If you pick Talk, your cursor disappears.
Permanently.
Even if you save and reload this point; once you click that talk option,
you are totally ***.
I mean, kinda spoilers for later in the game,
but this is the only corpse you have this problem with.
...not the only OBJECT you have a problem with, but I'll get to that later.
After he gets the
*sigh* ...zero-G wrench attachment...
LaPaz appears and Devlin explains the situation.
She takes it well.
The other problem is that Ward's gone nuts; he's shouting about monsters and he's already killed two Mogami-Hudson people.
The other problem is that Ward's gone nuts; he's shouting about monsters and he's already killed two Mogami-Hudson people.
Devlin's obvious expertise at human relations is needed so they go to try
and calm him down.
We find him holding a grenade and pointing his gun away from any people
straight at the wall
...right into the camera OH *** HE SAW US!
Devlin does a surprisingly good job at talking him down, even managing to slip
his middle name in there.
Unfortunately, this *** *** it all up.
Yeah. the plot's gone a bit Hamlet at this point.
Ward is dead, the pilot is dead, Raman is pinned under debris and Chandra chooses
to die with his fiance when the corridor inevitably decompresses. Devlin and LaPaz leave
with the dead pilot in tow and seal the corridor.
Corridors blow, dead bodies go whee.
With that unpleasantness over, Devlin heads out in the scout ship
to retrieve the engine part.
Five minutes of dull FMV later he gets the part from the probe and starts
heading home when he blacks out.
heading home when he blacks out.
So when Devlin gets back he's told that Mogami-Hudson hacked into the station
controls and shut off all life support their own lab.
They put their heads together to come up with a plan, probably getting in touch with Mogami-Hudson,
explaining what they know about the aliens, negotiat-
Meyer, if you get out of this I want you to look up the word 'diplomacy'.
The funny thing here is this;
if you picked up both concussion charges from the armory earlier
Devlin just walks straight back again
saving you a fetch quest. And I like that they give you the option to do it that way
but really; who plays a point 'n' click adventure and DOESN'T try to pick up
every object with a name label?
So Devlin goes and bombs the lab
murdering everybody in sight.
It's just been that kind of day. Anyway, remember that bug with the captain's corpse
that stops you moving?
The exact same *** thing happens when you talk to LaPaz here.
She's not even dead!
It wouldn't be so bad if her husband Lowe didn't tell you...
So the game deliberately drives you toward a game breaking bugNEARRAHGAH
So now we go to loot the corpse-I mean check for survivors - of which there is one.
Turns out they discovered the shape-shifting aliens in the asteroid.
Dammit Devlin, let the woman talk! She's not got long left!
*sigh* ...too late.
Well, some crazy *** told me to bomb the plac-HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYY!
Devlin, having no official authority and isn't even meant to be on the station
orders evacuation.
But Meyer points out that the shuttle's nav computer is still wiped.
It's here tha LaPaz reveals - get this -
that a backup is implanted in the pilots head.
You didn't just keep it on disk somewhere? Your pilots have to undergo SURGERY to keep secrets safe?
Ignoring the fact she could just be captured and have it ripped out of her skull,
No encrypted disk that's useless without a password? Not sure that's the dumbest thing in the game
but by GOD that has to make the top five. You go to get the chip
then head over to the shuttle.
only for Meyer to tell you it's ***-trapped as part of the captain's plan to kill you.
I guess when he came down to kill you himself, he'd just gotten antsy.
Meyer gets to work defusing the bomb and Devlin goes to fetch the others.
We should go hide from the shape-shifters until the bomb is safely defuse-
...did I already mention this guy got his entire old crew killed?
The plan is to hunt them down and kill him with a fluid developed by Mogami-Hudson
which I'm now going to call 'magic acid'
because it dissolves the cells of the shape-shifters but is harmless to humans.
They grab the net from the basketball court and drape it over this door in the gardens.
Then you get to use LaPaz as bait!
You get back and Meyer tells you Lowe was a shape-shifter
and he's still on the loose. Devlin surmises that he'll go for the laser cannons to prevent them leaving, but...
That didn't occur to the two people that have actually been on the station before?
Hell, maybe Devlin should've been in charge after all.
So he goes to the control room, sets the countdown and heads back but he finds
that the countdown was reset before he even got there.
Good plan,
I mean that would only occur to anybody who's actually used that item before
and saw the place verb!
Y'know, everybody has already played this game!
But do they let you plant a mine the first time? Do they ***.
Okay, back we go; set self-destruct, place mine, new camera angle,
rubbish explosion effect, Devlin running animation,
last minute swearing
And they leave at last
off into the expense to contemplate the ethical quandaries of corporate espionage
interfering with unknown specie-oh no wait, the game just ends there.
*** sake, did Obsidian make this or something?
So that's The Orion Conspiracy; a tale of the hurt from losing loved ones, and how your response to that pain
defines you as a person.
Also, aliens. But one question... what was the conspiracy?
Was it the captain getting revenge on Devlin for the loss of his wife?
Was it Mogami-Hudson secretly reviving an unknown alien species?
Or the aliens themselves infiltrating society via shape shifting?
If anything, it should've been called The Orion Conspiracies.
And that's where the game fails in my opinion. It's not the worst ever, not by any means
and I do appreciate they were trying to do things differently
but the things you don't do differently, you have to do WELL.
Like having a title that makes sense
although once you've got their money that doesn't matter so much
and maybe not directing players directly into the path of a motherfuckinggamebreakingbugARRGGGH
And remember that this was in the hayday of Lucasarts, the stiffest competition you were ever likely to see.
And remember that this was in the hayday of Lucasarts, the stiffest competition you were ever likely to see.
And if you weren't going to step up to that you were destined to be forgotten.
So there you have it; the reasons to play it back in the day were
swearing and FMV.
The reasons to play it nowadays are
nostalgia and masochism.
...confuses the *** out of me. Goodnight!